I have come to realize that when I was first diagnosed with cancer, there was shock and life felt like it was unraveling on many levels. I lost my job, my health, and my future was all a blur. Yet, many people lined up to help me, called me, sent cards, offered to bring meals, and I was inundated with so much love and attention that I never realized how that really carried me through much of those days of uncertainty, chemo, nausea, surgery, radiation, and all the bag of nails that comes with it. And, of course, anyone who knows me, knows how my faith in God was my rock, my purpose, & my security.
Yet, today, on May 26, 2017, I woke up feeling depressing thoughts. I really hate to admit that because, well, when one is depressed, it's not a very fun conversation and I think it's not a conversation for others to want to listen to either. Nor one I want to actually admit as depression is not something I care to have. And, as a Christian, I KNOW in my head that I am loved and have value and purpose! As John Wonderly's wife, I never doubt the tender love and devotion to me as his precious and treasured wife! He daily assures me of his desire for me despite my deformed left boob, loss of sex drive, ugly duckling hair-do, unwanted weight gain, and being gainfully UNemployed! Swipe Left! I even know in my head that my children, family, and friends genuinely love and care for me...but seriously, it IS my reality that I am feeling a little sorry for my self today, aka depressed.
So why write about it? Why not just wait for this to pass? Because it's not all cupcakes and sprinkles.
It may be due to the fact that I am not supposed to drive my car for 6 weeks post shoulder surgery so I am stuck at home more than ever! So I 'get' to organize my closets, pull weeds, cook and clean...(insert sarcasm)! Yeah, I know I should be thankful, but doing that everyday, day after day, and having nothing solid to return to as a job makes me wonder if I'll ever really fit in somewhere where my expertise and knowledge is valued like it once was? I have no dental hygiene job just sitting there waiting for me in a couple months when I recover and I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied at another office as much as I was in the culture and times as in the past at Dr. Henize's again! This is my reality as I awoke...I sit in doubt of my neededness and future.
While I'm on a roll with whining about my life right now, I might as well get it all out! I also have contact dermatitis on my hands and Athlete's foot on my foot that's not going away and I don't rest well at night due to 'sleeping' in a sling and bolster for my shoulder recovery. AND I take chemo pills daily to stave off all estrogen from ever entering my body which may make me moody, depressed, fat, have hourly hot flashes, and have no particular interest in romance despite how patient, loving, loyal, and tenderhearted my beloved spouse is (those ladies who have fully entered the blissful menopause stage in life know exactly what I'm talking about!) Violin anyone?
So what do I do with ALL my free time in my little home in Springboro, Ohio? A little bit of this, a little bit of that...The melancholy of this song is pretty much accurate for my current mood today. But here is what I do: make tea, read Jesus Calling devotional, read from VOM book and do house chores, walk a mile or three, prepare food, physical therapy, and tinker with potential future work ideas! I have toyed with writing a book, too, but there are millions of books out there. Who needs another? And besides, my story is no more interesting or unique than anyone else's out there (Ok...anyone who knows my story might say it is a bit more unique than most, but my point is that everyone has a story. Everyone.) Days fly off the shelf of life faster than the Tickle Me Elmo dolls in 1996! I wake up, and it seems like minutes later, I need to go to bed and hardly anything truly productive or worthwhile was accomplished. But I can say that I did organize my shoes in my closet today!! I know, it's impressive.
Perhaps tomorrow will be different. After all, I have read The Positive Dog by Jon Gordon recently and learned the specific action items I can do daily to feed that positive dog in me. Thankfully, I have a few faithful and understanding friends that I reached out to and they encouraged me as much as possible, for which I'm grateful!
This is truth...Sickness changes everything. But I am strong and we have a God who knows how I feel today and it's okay to tell Him. Even if I choose to sit in this boat of yuck, pity, and sadness a little while I know I won't stay here long. I must remember all those things He has taught me in the past year and rejoice!
