Some PG13 & a Little Rant

 I really REALLY hate chemo!

Today I thought I’d be feeling more normal since last Tuesday’s infusion. But I’m not. I don’t feel like myself. It’s an out of body experience. It’s like I know I’m me but I don’t think like old me. It’s messing with my thinking. Plus my body is just working altogether wrong or differently this afternoon. My mouth is dry and tastes bitter all the time. I’m tired all day long. I don’t have energy to talk about much. 

PG-13 comment: I can’t have sexual relations with my husband normally because my skin in all those tender places are messed up. I have a burning tongue, the corners are cracked on my mouth, my nose bleeds or is sore and cracked every day. I now have diarrhea after just 6 days instead of 20! Food tastes terrible. I mean really terrible. Water tastes bitter. Not good when one needs to stay hydrated.  I can’t comprehend normally when reading so I don’t read much anymore. Chemo isn’t for sissies!

I want to feel like myself, but I’m keenly aware that I’m not. I think it should be just short-term because I’ll only have Taxotere for 4-6 more treatments. But what if my brain doesn’t go back to thinking like it did? What if it’s not the Taxotere that’s making me feel strange and it’s the other 2 drugs that I’ll take for the REST OF MY LIFE?! I don’t really want to be around people as much as before because I’m not me inside. Plus I’m just tired all the time. I’m trying to think and act like the old me but it’s not working well. My thought life is getting so strange. I’m off. And I don’t know what to do. I called the oncology office and they informed me that all those things are normal from chemo and some of the symptoms will get worse with each infusion!

This morning all I did was bring my friend to her mammogram appointment and I wasn’t a great support for it, at least not like I wanted to be. 

When I got home I napped for hours in anticipation of my cousins coming in from Illinois. Thankfully as the evening went on, I did begin to think and feel more like myself and so I’m hoping tomorrow will be a great day! Tonight they brought us dinner and we had a camp fire in our Solo Stove. A lovely night with some of my favorite people! 

Sitting outside by myself now & waiting for the fire to die down and I’m worshiping my Heavenly Father before I go off to bed. Praying and hoping Tuesday will be a better day.