A Hard Week

Certain experiences at the beginning of last week put me in a place of wrestling with my own burdensome emotions and thoughts. Thankfully, even though I felt sad, defeated & disappointed…Yahweh is always faithful to search after me, find me and hold me close. There have been some deeply sorrowful moments recently, relationally, ones I won’t share here and…AND there was God, faithfully showing up for me and instructing me how to handle it, what to do with it so that it doesn’t stay stuck inside me causing damaging physical effects in my body. I love that this photo is of a bonfire we had a couple weeks ago for a Christmas Gathering in our woods!

There were so many helpful words in the Jesus Calling devotional this week that continue to remind me of where I need to focus my mind in order to remain connected and listening to God’s Presence so that I don’t get caught up in my own destructive thoughts of fear, worry, anger, disappointment or sadness.

The mental healing finally began on Friday morning while showering and listening to this random YouTube video. Following that I played this long worshipful video again which put my entire being into a place of powerful and authentic worship and shifted my thoughts from my situation and woes to God’s goodness! The Spirit of God found me, filled me, and then healed me. As I heard Truth and believed it, I was changed and my fears were gone, my sadness turned to joy and my defeat shifted to victory!

Friday night my dear friends, Lynn and Doug, poured love into me for hours as we shared life, drank tea and I was given several meaningful gifts. One of them was Hyssop oil for the purpose of healing so the three of us prayed over and anointed one another with prayers of healing. I know my Father heals. I’m already a recipient of it and prayed for it to continue in all of us! 

New Year’s Eve was a totally uneventful day and night and it was really not like a holiday at all but just any ole Saturday of cleaning, cooking, watching a movie and going to bed by 10 pm. On New Year’s Day I thanked God for another year of life then read Matthew chapter 1. My goal is to read a chapter every day until done. I then spent most of the afternoon with a dear friend who always hears my heart and understands my need for a cup of tea and a healing hug. I love how God has placed certain people in my life to be my friends. Thank you, KR! 

It’s now evening on New Year’s Day and I’m re-reading the beginning of this week’s blog and realizing the pattern of experiencing relational stress, sadness, disappointment and a feeling of deep loss that has taken up residence within me once again.  I listened to this video by John Gottman to guide me, then to soothing music to calm my racing thoughts after a very stressful evening. Not sure it helped. I tried reading a book but my grief was too powerful to continue after skimming just one chapter. I went to sleep only to wake frequently plagued by my thoughts of grief. If God’s Word and worship helped before, I must go there again. I literally can feel the negative effects within me physically as I wrestle in this situation. I’m weighed down, feeling trapped and heavy hearted tonight. 

All my solutions of listening to worship, reading scripture, and praying didn’t shift me into a freed mind this time. I woke up still feeling fractured and exasperated emotionally.  The enemy is like a destructive lion prowling and waiting to devour and poison relationships. AND yet, I will not be destroyed! I have an army of angels on my side, fighting, battling, and holding me. I am loved. I am a warrior. I am a daughter of the Most High King! I rose from my bed and chose to embrace my day in love and doing things with people who bring me life like a hike with LillyMae! It doesn’t get much sweeter than that!

And by the evening on Monday my entire being shifted. I felt empowered by God’s spirit to move forward in strength with a knowing that it’s gonna be alright! And voilà!!! One more of those million little miracles happened right before my very eyes! The SHIFT within me, a shift in the universe, a healing of my broken heart. And I thank God, my YHWH, for this gift of holding me in His arms until the storm is gone!

It’s now 5:30 am on Tuesday and I’ve been awake for 2 hours!! Perhaps because of my very long ToDo list today, or because I’m so excited to get to Florida this weekend and be with my daughter and son-in-law & hold my granddaughter once again, or maybe because I’ve started packing for my upcoming winter hiking/camping trip on the Ice Age Trail with my mountain biking friend and coach, Brenda, and LillyMae! 

Before my 4 mile hike today with LillyMae, we stopped at friend, Jodi ‘s for LillyMae to deliver a little gift! I just love it how God puts people in my life that bring such joy!! Here she got an impromptu lesson in disc golf!! Life is just fun!

The hike at Caesar’s Creek was in 60 degree weather and after 2 hours it made my feet very fatigued and my body exhausted so sleep will come easy tonight. All this in preparation for my upcoming 4 day winter hike and camp next weekend in Wisconsin. And check out this glorious sunset we got to see on the way home!! 

God is good. So so good. Hallelujah!