This journal entry may end in a couple days when the results from my biopsies come back as negative. In that case, I will gladly forget about this blog and carry on in life loving others, loving life, and continuing to love Jesus more and more.
I really don't care if anyone ever reads this. It may be my own 2nd healing journey journal that is never seen by another soul. Yet tonight at 3:26 am, it is what I need to do. One thing I sure learned from my first marriage was that I processed much better when I journaled. In fact, in all my 'infinite wisdom' in that area, when women come to me for love, support, and guidance when it comes to dealing with an unfaithful spouse, journaling is one of the most helpful activities I can offer.
So let me document some thoughts and facts a little first. 1. There is no breast cancer in my family. I'm told that's a good thing and my results are much more likely to be negative. 2. I just had a mammogram 10 months ago, so it's my hope that if there actually is cancer, it's early. Unfortunately, the radiologist told me that the lymph node under my armpit was 'slightly thickened' so she snipped a bit of that too...just to be sure. 3. I'm 49 and have the most amazing husband, the most beautiful marriage, a church family that simply rocks, and 2+2 young adult children that I adore and want to continue being their mom til I'm 100, guiding them, encouraging them, praying for them, laughing with them, crying with them, holding their babies, and watching them grow into the adults that God designed them to be. 4. My dear friend, Jordan Pieniasek, was tragically killed a week ago and as I witnessed how his life was so impactful to those around him, hopefully more in his death than in his brief 31 years, I have a vivid perspective on my own journey. My life is not my own. Period. Also, my life is fragile and as I round the corner to 50, I am aware of its brevity so much more so than when I was just 25 (last week). So whatever happens this week, when I get my diagnosis, I ask you Jesus to continually remind me of my purpose...in all things to give you glory. Shine your light where ever I am. Tell others of your goodness, forgiveness, everlasting and over the moon love for each one of us.
How I got to this point: A couple months ago John noticed that my left breast had a dimple, an indentation, a puckering...however you want to describe it. Basically, my boob wasn't round at the bottom when I lifted my arms up. I looked in the mirror and saw what he saw, but brushed it off to my nipple area getting cold...you know when the areola skin tightens and pulls the nipple. Now I knew that that was not how it should look, but I wasn't terribly concerned.
Fast forward to my partially torn rotator cuff. Yes, I need surgery. Yes, I am stalling on getting it done. I can function well enough at work and if I can just get some good PT in and take some anti-inflammatories, then I can stave off surgery until October, AFTER my wilderness vacations with my sweet hubby. But last week, I was getting ready for bed and remembered I did not do my PT, so I was already undressed for bed and in the bathroom, so I did my exercises in front of my mirror. Immediately, I saw it! That puckered left boob was pretty obvious when I moved my arm a certain way. This was on Wednesday, May 4th, 2016.
I went to work on Thursday and since I had a couple hours at the end of my schedule where I had no patients, I called the B North Breast center and scheduled a mammogram. I told them I would love it if they could get me in right away...like now. In God's amazing way, they 'happened' to have time to see me. So I got in at 4 pm that day. Unfortunately, the sweet lady at the breast center had to tell me that they could only do a screening mammogram, not a diagnostic one, which is what I needed since I had a symptom of a puckering in my breast tissue. I needed a doctor's order for that.
I hopped in my car, called Dr. Julia Lee (my OBGYN) and said I needed to see her stat and could she see me today (it's now 4:15 pm). They said if I could get there soon, she could see me. In 20 min I was in her office getting a breast exam. She saw it and said that it would be best to just start with a breast surgeon and gave me Dr. Jacquelyn Palmer's name. I called there (4:54 pm) and said that I needed to see her stat. They gave me an appointment for 9:45 the next morning, Friday, May 6th. Also the day we had our Celebration of Life services for Jordan. So I was set... I knew I'd get my mammogram and an ultrasound and figure this out.
I was actually thankful I had much more important things to do that night. God distracted me from worrying. I went to Liz', helped love on her, played with her kiddos, talked to her family that was in town, and got to listen to her practice reading her love letter she would read the next day at Jordo's service. I absolutely had no further thought about my boob that night. Since I was closer to the doctor's for my 9:45 am appt, and I was privileged to drive Liz and the girls to Mitchell's to get their nails done for their daddy's Celebration of Life service, I stayed at my new friend, Megan Lubbers, house. I did share with her in the morning what my 'doctor's appointment' was for and we prayed before I left.
The actual appointment was so surreal. I just wanted to get the mammogram and ultrasound over so I could drive 45 min home, brush my teeth (did not get to do that since I stayed unexpectedly the night before and was not prepared), change clothes, and go to Jordan's service. I wanted to be close to my Red Door family and continue with the needed closure that I knew this unfuneral event would have.
The breast surgeon saw the dimple, agreed to have the 2 tests done. I went in, squeezed into that machine in a few positions...done. Thankfully, mammograms are not uncomfortable to me, so it's totally no big deal to do that. Then I was escorted to the ultrasound room. It was easy too, however, I could easily see the mass on the monitor as she slid the warm jelly-covered wand over my breast. No surprise, since I knew something had to be causing the dimpling.
She got the radiologist, who was very competent and sweet...I just can't remember her name...Dr. Angus or something. She also used the ultrasound and explained that indeed, there was a mass and that the lymph node was slightly thickened so it would be best to do a biopsy.
I check the clock...11:00 am. I ask if I'll need to take time off work. Yes, a couple days. Check. That means I'll need to do it on a Friday. The next Friday I have off is in 2 weeks. I don't want to wait that long. So I ask how long it would take to do right now. She says 1.5-2 hours. I could be done by 1:00. The service is at 3, I need to be there by 2:30. "This is possible", I think. She says that they have time if I want to do it. All I want to do is get this over with so I can go be with Liz and my Red Door family. I do believe I was so much less concerned about my circumstance in light of losing a friend and being consumed with grieving for him and wanting to support his family and our friends.
In fact, I texted Megan after I decided to have the biopsy done and told her what I was doing. She asked me if I was ok and who was I with and if I was alone. I knew without a doubt, that I was indeed not alone. I was with Jesus. He is my all in all. When everyone else fails me, He is there. When it's late at night and nobody can hear me, He listens. When I feel tempted to fall into my emotions, He graciously reminds me of His Truth. I find rest in that. I clearly had a vision that, just like Jordan was always on mission, always realized that every person, every place, every activity was to build the Kingdom of God...this was no different. I realized that God could take one bad boob and turn it into an opportunity to share and love on those in the hospital, the surgeons, the techs, the whomever He wanted to cross my new path on this journey. If I say I'm willing to go wherever, then I need to perceive this as my wherever.
I was reminded of Pastor Wurmbrand's book, Tortured for Christ. He said that his mission was to share Christ with the prison guards and he saw it as his mission field. May I be like him and remember that this life is not my own and it is fragile and brief. I must use what time I have here to love others, share the Truth, and not forget my purpose.
Then came the biopsy. It was weird. No pain, just a strange sensation. The radiologist did it. She got me numb, which was the most odd feeling. A little pinch of the needle, then just pressure as she moved the needle all around and was pulling and pushing my breast tissue with the needle to get it numb. Then with the sound of a paper punch, I heard them clip pieces of the mass and lymph node out. I also felt the warmth of the blood down my side as they did it, but it was totally pain free!
I had not only not brushed my teeth since the morning before, but I had not eaten all day either, so I kinda was a little woozy, but stayed with it. The sweet nurse who helped assist was like an angel. She put her hands and arms on my leg and had a very healing touch. I told her so. She was there as a comforter from the Lord. She explained everything that would happen and we chatted about the accident with Jordan and his life and his love for Jesus. They all knew I was heading to his service so they were moving mountains to get me in and treated. They even bumped me in front of another patient to do it! After I was all cleaned up, they got me some food and lots of extra ice packs because they knew I would not be home for many hours. God is so good.
I made it to the Celebration of Life service by 2:35. I changed clothes in John's van, did not brush my teeth, but got gum and carried on.
This was my day.
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