Day 30 Mixed Emotions...Weird Day

Today is weird.

Church today was outside in a beautiful setting with some of my favorite people on earth. Yet, on the way to church, I had one of my first bickering conflicts with my amazing husband and had my feelings really hurt. Mostly, he said something that was a huge trigger for me and it hurt deeply. We resolved it before getting to church, however, my feelings were still raw. Then I felt like I had my head bit off by someone when I was just trying to say something nice. Then my sweetest friend, Liz, who recently lost her husband was also having a crappy day and it makes me so sad to see her deep pain. Then someone else shared a story about her breast cancer and it reminded me about my diagnosis of cancer and the upcoming surgery/chemo. Not that it's a bad thing for people to share, but my head wasn't really in that space.  I wanted to just enjoy the day and feel normal and sing and have a picnic and laugh. (By the way, if you are the person I mentioned here, no worries...I was just not in a good space. I know you did not mean it and I know your intentions were good.)

Then after all that, I enjoyed the fact that I WAS with so many caring and loving friends, I do have a God-sent husband, I am alive, and one of my favorite worship songs was sung by my little friend, Mic. I loved that. I also was able to see John's grand-daughters in a dance recital...too cute! I love those little girls' hugs.

But when I was driving home from church and sitting at the recital, I felt like I was having this new shooting aching pain in my lower back and sciatic area.  My mind raced to the thought that I'm dying and my body must be full of cancer! Stupid. I know. But when you just don't know what all is happening,  you get scared sometimes....this felt like a legit fear and thoughts can race.

So today I feel sad. And mad. Today I am not so strong.

I came home and checked out Facebook and watched a video of a young man who thought he was having a 'bad' day and then he saw a woman who was in her car reading...and she was bald. He felt suddenly moved to go buy her flowers. So he did. She was touched and cried. He had a new perspective on his 'bad' day and found thankfulness as he realized that our 'bad' day could be much worse. Then I realized something else that hit me...I may soon be THAT woman. In a few weeks, I may be bald. It's all too weird.

I was doing so great before today...I felt so ok with all this and accepting of whatever comes my way. I know I have a good God. I know He loves me. I know that He'll never leave me and He is in control. However, my emotions are fragile today and my heart is heavy.  I just want to crawl in my bed and hold John and pretend this is not happening.

This is my weird day.