Dealing With Grief & Major Photo Dump

It’s 4 a.m. in Colorado. Waking up and lying in this soft bed…just thinking and praying.

So many thoughts run through my mind as I begin to wake up. The 5 stages of grief is something I know exists and while I believe I live in the stage of acceptance pretty often, I find my mind vacillating between anger and denial when I think back on the answer I was given by Dr. Cody… my first oncologist at the Christ Hospital in Cincinnati back in April 2022. Although I am no longer under his care, his comment after viewing my initial PET scan of having 3 to 5 years to live IF the treatments work well continues to bubble up in my mind on occasion. This morning is one of those occasions.

If that is true, my mind also drifts to what that will look like in the next 3 to 5 years… 

How does my body go from being capable of mountain biking to not living? What does it look like to experience what feels like normal life to daily life being consumed with the unraveling of one’s body? What will it be like to spend my hours in the reality of that time when it feels like an unstoppable freight train of physical break down? It can all be so surreal, but will that be my reality in the next few years? I don’t like to think about it because I do not want all the loss that comes with that reality. It would make me grieve the loss of time with so many of my family and friends. This long photo series doesn’t even come close to all those who have loved on me, prayed for me, invested in my life, sacrificed for me, and touched my life in some way! I’m sorry if I’ve missed your photos here but you all are in my heart!!

My BFF, best husband, and adventuring partner

4 generations with mom, daughter and growing grand daughter

The sweetest, bestest son

Alex, my dearly beloved Chinese son

The one & only, Aunt Ro

The fantabulous women of my Rockford family

Luke, Connor, Sarah, Jonathan & Alex

My beautiful Korean Daughter, Jumi

More of my favoritest cousins, Pam & Todd

Oh how I Love these Fav Cousins

Former SIL, kindred spirit and dearest friend, Debbie

Dearest niece and favorite oldest sister, KJ with my Love

The very best hubby, daughter and son in law!!

Brooklyn, one of my many beautiful best of friends

The loving SMA ladies

Just a few of my treasured work friends at AD

THE Margaret gave blood on my behalf

Trace and Deb, our loving gifts from God 

Mike and Andrea, dearest Hamilton friends 

Former co-workers and really awesome friends, Jess & Courtney

Loving friend, Lynn

One of my favorite cousins, Sarah who holds a special place always!

Bestest Neighbor from 20 years ago and dearest friend, Cindy

The ❤️ Girls, Liz and B

My favorite human, Wendy

A beautiful soul and my kindred friend, Doni

The loveliest, Godly friend Karen

No one like Mich! The young friend Tribe!

Angel Brenda and dear young friend, LillyMae. BAMBCs!

Dearest daughter Sarah & her adorable hubby, Connor, in Florida

My Love

Then there is my dearest Liz, for whom there are no words. 

My faithful long time friend, Aimee from Wisconsin

Sweet sweet Younger Binder Family

A surprise visit from Emily, Austin and my son, JP

The best boss I have ever had! Friend Eric!!

Sweet sweet Elder Binder Family

Long, long time friend Kathy from AZ!

When your sis gets to brush your hair again since childhood!

And again, I know I’ve missed posting photos of so many others who are precious to me!

More of my sweet family

My daughter’s amazing MIL, Lorna

The 4 Charlie’s Angels and my best sisters ever!!

These girls are such a gift!

Hiking buddies Jodie and Lynn

Columbus friends from the dental community! My fun DHE gals!

I am so blessed to have this woman as my mother! 

A sweet couple to hang with in Topher & Chloe from work

Love these kids with all my heart. The best Mother’s Day!

This processing of the stages of grief I feel this morning before the sun even rises has me feeling angry at the potential loss of time to be spent seeing my granddaughter grow up into a young woman and my daughter become a mother. And possibly more grands to follow as well in the future…I hate the thought of knowing my own children would lose their mother so young. I hate the thought of my husband having to say goodbye at the very beginning of our dream life in the WonderVan and losing a wife who isn’t even old, saggy, wrinkly, and gray (ok, so I’m mostly gray and a little wrinkly, but still too young in my opinion!)

Today I am allowing myself to sit in that space and process the reality of grieving all that. But I choose not to let those thoughts consume me and rob me of the present moment I can have where I choose peace with God, acceptance of the reality before me, and the fact that I can breathe and feel well right now in this moment! That is a gift I want to be present for. I realize that for me the stages of grief like denial and anger are not welcome to stay here long if I want to look for the Million Little Miracles and find the Gratitude that is all around me right now, today! For anyone who isn’t familiar with them, the 5 stages of grief are:

• denial
• anger
• bargaining
• depression
• acceptance

So it’s now 9 p.m. and I’m going to bed. After I woke up, Brooklyn and I enjoyed the beauty of the Colorado mountains and fresh air as we went on a hike and I got to soak in the sun‘s rays, the smell of pine, and the glorious creation all around me.

I’m very thankful for this day where I could be honest about the fears, thoughts and feelings that can come with all this and at the end of the day still be grateful. It’s only because of Jesus that I can do that!