Tonight I would like to fall asleep and not wake up until tomorrow when I am hoping to not feel like chemo drugs are pulsing through my veins. I don't much want to blog tonight, but I now know that I have some very special folks who wait for my blog all day. Crazy that at the end of my day, my life has turned into a stream of my thoughts and a report of how this disease has ransacked my life.
I must start with how thankful I am that today was far more tolerable than the previous 2 days. I did not have to take any anti-nausea meds to get me through the day, which is a huge plus. The side effects of them do make me feel less nauseous, but also so doped and zombie like, plus give me a headache, that I sit and hold it before taking one of those dastardly little pills, wondering if it's worth it. But then I hear that nurse's voice in my head every time I feel nauseous, telling me to stay ahead of the nausea. So even though I did not require them today, I still do have chemo effects lingering on: lack of any energy, chills when I'm not under a blanket, borderline headache and queasy feeling, along with the general lack of appetite, and the chemo brain feeling. It's like my brain feels the drug in it, and I feel an uncomfortable wave sensation. I hear my pulse in my ears, reminding me of the drugs coursing through, hopefully killing the cancer along with the cells that I'm quite fond of...hair, nails, skin, white blood cells, etc.
I had a friend stop by who is a breast cancer survivor and we talked 'shop' and she gave me some valuable tips on how to cope with all I'm dealing with. Unfortunately, it looks like I can expect to feel worse as time goes on with each treatment. She did remind me of God's goodness in it all, which I know is true, but today, I struggle to see goodness. I really hate cancer. I can't believe this is happening to me, and it really angers me that it's robbing me of my health and the life I knew before May 10th.
But then I remember my friends and family who pour out their support and love to overflowing as they come along side me to show their genuine kindness and goodness of the human spirit. For example, another one of my dear patients made a very generous donation to my gofundme account today and I ask myself how can I use this dumb cancer to be a light for God in a dark world? God whispers that He will show me His care for me in many ways, if I just look and not focus on the disease. Ok, God, I want to do that, but it's really hard on days when I feel so awful.
My foggy brain is kicking in, so I am signing off now. My stubble on my head kind of hurts and I just want to sleep now.
Good night, Connor. See you tomorrow with my girl.
Friday, July 8, 2016
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Day 62 Chemo Recovery Blahs
Today, I don't really feel like blogging. The reality is that the side effects of chemo make you feel crappy. My entire day yesterday was spent managing a headache, nausea, fatigue, and hunger. I did get to talk to some friends and family on the phone and FaceTimed which was really nice. I did have a short burst of energy in the morning and went to try on my wig. My daughter Sarah suggested naming this wig so if anyone has a suggestion, feel free to let me know your thoughts. At this point all I can tell you is it's long dark brown hair and the official color is cappuccino and the official style name is Brandi. I'm not much of a "name my wig" kind of a person, but I guess we can try to have fun with this to brighten my day!
I don't really have much energy this morning to say anything else other than the only thing that's worth talking about right now is how much I love my mom! Happy birthday Mama!
It's now many hours later and today has been not good. I've been sick in the bathroom or nauseous or have had a headache the entire day. Unfortunately the antinausea pills make me feel really loopy, but they also knocked me out. I have had two today and done nothing but sleep for the most part. When I wake up I'm struggling with a headache and feeling like I have the flu.
Thankfully, my son, Jonathan, stopped by for a little while this morning and made me breakfast before I passed out until around 2 o'clock today. That's when I had to call my neighbor Bonnie, and she was able to come over and save me from dehydration. I literally can't even get up off the couch due to weakness. I'm so thankful for neighbors!
Then my friend, Liz, came over and comforted me, got me blankets and made me some sweet potato soup. She's a good friend and I'm thankful she found away today to come visit me. After she left I simply fell asleep again and probably will lay on the couch until my husband comes home from hockey. I pray tomorrow I'm stronger.
I don't really have much energy this morning to say anything else other than the only thing that's worth talking about right now is how much I love my mom! Happy birthday Mama!
It's now many hours later and today has been not good. I've been sick in the bathroom or nauseous or have had a headache the entire day. Unfortunately the antinausea pills make me feel really loopy, but they also knocked me out. I have had two today and done nothing but sleep for the most part. When I wake up I'm struggling with a headache and feeling like I have the flu.
Thankfully, my son, Jonathan, stopped by for a little while this morning and made me breakfast before I passed out until around 2 o'clock today. That's when I had to call my neighbor Bonnie, and she was able to come over and save me from dehydration. I literally can't even get up off the couch due to weakness. I'm so thankful for neighbors!
Then my friend, Liz, came over and comforted me, got me blankets and made me some sweet potato soup. She's a good friend and I'm thankful she found away today to come visit me. After she left I simply fell asleep again and probably will lay on the couch until my husband comes home from hockey. I pray tomorrow I'm stronger.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Day 60s Blog on Day 61 CHEMO DAY #2
Too busy or too gross feeling to blog yesterday.
Started my day with my neighbor, Bonnie Thompson, driving me to Cincinnati for my chemo round #2. I love it how God can use unwanted situations in our lives to provide opportunity for people to get to know each other better.
The chemo went pretty much the same as the first time. Two bags of IV anti-nausea meds, followed by the Adriamycin aka Red Warrior, followed by Cytoxan. My blood work came back good, in fact, excellent (WBC 13! due to the Neulasta), I wasn't looking forward to the Cytoxan as that is the drug that really gave me immediate unwanted side effects like a headache and odd sensations in my nose and eyes that made me just want to hold my face and squeeze my eyes closed until it passed. The 2-3 hour appointment lasted 5 hours, mostly due to things at this facility seeming less efficient and the nurse slowed the Cytoxan down as she administered it, hoping it would be received better.
Afterward, I began feeling better, so I wanted to celebrate and offered to take Bonnie to one of my favorite restaurants, Asian Paradise, to eat one of my favorite meals, a temptation roll and seaweed salad, despite the fact that none of it is on my acceptable diet. We oohed and aaahhed with each bite. Then, God blessed me again as she refused to allow me to pay. (Remembering my friend, Deb Slanaker's sage words of advice to allow people to give and be better at receiving.)
Then upon arriving home, I started slowly getting the headache and flu-like symptoms throughout the evening and they just got worse until I went to bed. Again, I kept questioning whether my stomach was nauseous or hungry. Thankfully, every time I had that sensation, I ate, and indeed felt better. So lots of little meals is the ticket for my chemo recovery days. Sadly, not much sounds good so I find myself eating what sounds good, even if it's not on my strict self-imposed diet.
My first Springboro friend, Susan Muterspaw, came to stay with me in the afternoon and was such a trooper. I had to ask her to do somethings I would never ask of anyone, but I knew I shouldn't. My little 3 year old friend, Zoe Pieniasek, slept over the night before and unfortunately got the tummy flu and vomited while here. So I asked Susan to wash ALL the bedding, scrub the bathroom and wipe the surfaces in the bedroom where she slept. She is one of those friends who will do anything and did not hesitate. Thank you, Jesus, for Susan's servant heart!
Since it's Tuesday, and would normally be my day to coach Special Olympics with John at the Lebanon YMCA, I couldn't go, but Graham and Monica Binder have joined in on the coaching, followed by a sleep over at the Wonderly's! So they came home with John and we all enjoyed fellowship and love of such dear friends that are so willing to serve me. Thank you, again, Jesus, for the pouring out of love that I so badly need right now!
Despite the fact that we had the Red Warrior Head Shaving party the night before, I realized that the length of my hair, while short, was still long enough to poke me as it continued to fall out of my head and get stuck in my clothes, so I asked Graham to take it down more, not ALL the way to the scalp, but as close as possible. So now I look more like an Auschwicz survivor and less like a GI Jane Demi Moore BA. Oh well, it's so temporary until I go bald, it does not matter. The funniest dew rag I have accumulated was last night. I have all these cute turbans and scarves to wear, but when sleeping, I need something satin like that all the little hairs will get in vs on my pillow case and in my bedding. When Monica was helping me fold laundry, I saw a new pair of John's silky, black and gray, camouflage, underwear boxer briefs! The leg hole fit perfectly over my prickly scalp and the other leg and waist band hung behind my head like a nun's habit, so for sleeping, I am Huntress Mother Te-ricia.
Since I got worse and worse feeling, I went straight to bed and had the sweet Monica and Graham tuck me in, pray with and on me, literally, and slept decently. I did wake up with a bit of a headache and starving, so I jumped up and ate breakfast. Now for Day two after chemo. Much rest and nausea management planned for the day and that's about it.
Oh, one of my highlights of last night was when I took a shower after my second shaving. The hot water felt divine so I stood in the shower until all the hot water ran out, raised my arms in the air and sang worship songs of praise to my Lord and Savior, then knelt on the shower floor to pray for all the people God is 'showering' me with through this trial. God is Good, Good, Oh-woah. I love to praise, You, Lord, in the midst of trials as it turns my heart and mind and body to pure worship and off myself.
"I will seek You in the morning, and learn to walk in Your ways, and step by step, You'll lead me, and I will follow You all of my days."
Started my day with my neighbor, Bonnie Thompson, driving me to Cincinnati for my chemo round #2. I love it how God can use unwanted situations in our lives to provide opportunity for people to get to know each other better.
The chemo went pretty much the same as the first time. Two bags of IV anti-nausea meds, followed by the Adriamycin aka Red Warrior, followed by Cytoxan. My blood work came back good, in fact, excellent (WBC 13! due to the Neulasta), I wasn't looking forward to the Cytoxan as that is the drug that really gave me immediate unwanted side effects like a headache and odd sensations in my nose and eyes that made me just want to hold my face and squeeze my eyes closed until it passed. The 2-3 hour appointment lasted 5 hours, mostly due to things at this facility seeming less efficient and the nurse slowed the Cytoxan down as she administered it, hoping it would be received better.
Afterward, I began feeling better, so I wanted to celebrate and offered to take Bonnie to one of my favorite restaurants, Asian Paradise, to eat one of my favorite meals, a temptation roll and seaweed salad, despite the fact that none of it is on my acceptable diet. We oohed and aaahhed with each bite. Then, God blessed me again as she refused to allow me to pay. (Remembering my friend, Deb Slanaker's sage words of advice to allow people to give and be better at receiving.)
Then upon arriving home, I started slowly getting the headache and flu-like symptoms throughout the evening and they just got worse until I went to bed. Again, I kept questioning whether my stomach was nauseous or hungry. Thankfully, every time I had that sensation, I ate, and indeed felt better. So lots of little meals is the ticket for my chemo recovery days. Sadly, not much sounds good so I find myself eating what sounds good, even if it's not on my strict self-imposed diet.
My first Springboro friend, Susan Muterspaw, came to stay with me in the afternoon and was such a trooper. I had to ask her to do somethings I would never ask of anyone, but I knew I shouldn't. My little 3 year old friend, Zoe Pieniasek, slept over the night before and unfortunately got the tummy flu and vomited while here. So I asked Susan to wash ALL the bedding, scrub the bathroom and wipe the surfaces in the bedroom where she slept. She is one of those friends who will do anything and did not hesitate. Thank you, Jesus, for Susan's servant heart!
Since it's Tuesday, and would normally be my day to coach Special Olympics with John at the Lebanon YMCA, I couldn't go, but Graham and Monica Binder have joined in on the coaching, followed by a sleep over at the Wonderly's! So they came home with John and we all enjoyed fellowship and love of such dear friends that are so willing to serve me. Thank you, again, Jesus, for the pouring out of love that I so badly need right now!
Despite the fact that we had the Red Warrior Head Shaving party the night before, I realized that the length of my hair, while short, was still long enough to poke me as it continued to fall out of my head and get stuck in my clothes, so I asked Graham to take it down more, not ALL the way to the scalp, but as close as possible. So now I look more like an Auschwicz survivor and less like a GI Jane Demi Moore BA. Oh well, it's so temporary until I go bald, it does not matter. The funniest dew rag I have accumulated was last night. I have all these cute turbans and scarves to wear, but when sleeping, I need something satin like that all the little hairs will get in vs on my pillow case and in my bedding. When Monica was helping me fold laundry, I saw a new pair of John's silky, black and gray, camouflage, underwear boxer briefs! The leg hole fit perfectly over my prickly scalp and the other leg and waist band hung behind my head like a nun's habit, so for sleeping, I am Huntress Mother Te-ricia.
Since I got worse and worse feeling, I went straight to bed and had the sweet Monica and Graham tuck me in, pray with and on me, literally, and slept decently. I did wake up with a bit of a headache and starving, so I jumped up and ate breakfast. Now for Day two after chemo. Much rest and nausea management planned for the day and that's about it.
Oh, one of my highlights of last night was when I took a shower after my second shaving. The hot water felt divine so I stood in the shower until all the hot water ran out, raised my arms in the air and sang worship songs of praise to my Lord and Savior, then knelt on the shower floor to pray for all the people God is 'showering' me with through this trial. God is Good, Good, Oh-woah. I love to praise, You, Lord, in the midst of trials as it turns my heart and mind and body to pure worship and off myself.
"I will seek You in the morning, and learn to walk in Your ways, and step by step, You'll lead me, and I will follow You all of my days."
Monday, July 4, 2016
Day 59 FREEDOM on July 4th
I woke up this morning wondering how long until my hair falls out. Of course, I was hoping that with all my nutritional supplements and healthy eating choices for the past several weeks, I just might be that 1 % that does not lose my hair with this specific chemotherapy. So, I looked up online how long until I can expect to see my long brown hair begin exfoliating and most people said between 10-17 days. Today would be day 14 since my first chemo infusion.
As per our normal daily routine, John sweetly washes and conditions my hair every day as we shower. Today was no exception. I will say that my head did feel a little more tender/sensitive than usual, but it's not much different than when I wear a pony tail for a couple days without washing it and my 'hair hurts'. He gently scrubbed and it still felt kinda tender, but then after a minute, it felt good and I did not see anything crazy happening. But, BUT when I did the final rinse of conditioner, I noticed a huge wad of tangled hair at the ends and I immediately knew. This was the beginning of the balding. I wasn't upset, really. I expected it. I am prepared for it. My wig is ordered (for those days I just want hair) and I have some pretty turbans ready to wear, thanks to Janet Busick, Gayle Pluta and Cindy Ashby. These ladies wasted no time getting them to me and boy am I thankful today! Why? Because tonight is special. Think Braveheart...FREEDOM!
My sweet friend, Liz Pieniasek, who lost her husband, Jordan, to the tragic motorcycle accident on May 1st, offered to shave my head when it was 'time' using Jordo's clippers (as he shaved his head daily). Well, I knew it was time. I called Liz and she smartly suggested a shaving party. Well, since it's July 4th, a day of celebrating our freedom, I decided to invite some friends for a Red Warrior Shaving Party. So tonight, I will experience freedom from my hair for several months.
I remember a couple weeks ago how God put on my heart that when my head is bald, it will be exposed and vulnerable...just the way He loves my heart to be toward Him. I will wear my vulnerability and be reminded of how God wants my attitude to be...exposed and vulnerable. This humble visual demonstration needs to be recontextualized from something that could easily upset me to something that God can use to make me more Christ-like.
So, tonight I will no longer have long, dark brown hair. In fact, I may never have brown hair ever again as I understand that hair usually grows in curly and gray. I don't plan on coloring it ever again, so another chapter in life slips by.
Lord please remind me of this verse....
Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
I will admit that while I'm mostly accepting of this, I do have some anxiety. At least I'll have some of my closest friends nearby supporting me.
Before they get here, I think I'll go make love to my lover one last time with long brown hair.
It's almost midnight now and the Red Warrior Shaving Party is over. Had lots of fun and I did well with it. Heck, I kinda like it! Now please pray for tomorrow. It's #2 chemo day.
As per our normal daily routine, John sweetly washes and conditions my hair every day as we shower. Today was no exception. I will say that my head did feel a little more tender/sensitive than usual, but it's not much different than when I wear a pony tail for a couple days without washing it and my 'hair hurts'. He gently scrubbed and it still felt kinda tender, but then after a minute, it felt good and I did not see anything crazy happening. But, BUT when I did the final rinse of conditioner, I noticed a huge wad of tangled hair at the ends and I immediately knew. This was the beginning of the balding. I wasn't upset, really. I expected it. I am prepared for it. My wig is ordered (for those days I just want hair) and I have some pretty turbans ready to wear, thanks to Janet Busick, Gayle Pluta and Cindy Ashby. These ladies wasted no time getting them to me and boy am I thankful today! Why? Because tonight is special. Think Braveheart...FREEDOM!
My sweet friend, Liz Pieniasek, who lost her husband, Jordan, to the tragic motorcycle accident on May 1st, offered to shave my head when it was 'time' using Jordo's clippers (as he shaved his head daily). Well, I knew it was time. I called Liz and she smartly suggested a shaving party. Well, since it's July 4th, a day of celebrating our freedom, I decided to invite some friends for a Red Warrior Shaving Party. So tonight, I will experience freedom from my hair for several months.
I remember a couple weeks ago how God put on my heart that when my head is bald, it will be exposed and vulnerable...just the way He loves my heart to be toward Him. I will wear my vulnerability and be reminded of how God wants my attitude to be...exposed and vulnerable. This humble visual demonstration needs to be recontextualized from something that could easily upset me to something that God can use to make me more Christ-like.
So, tonight I will no longer have long, dark brown hair. In fact, I may never have brown hair ever again as I understand that hair usually grows in curly and gray. I don't plan on coloring it ever again, so another chapter in life slips by.
Lord please remind me of this verse....
Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
I will admit that while I'm mostly accepting of this, I do have some anxiety. At least I'll have some of my closest friends nearby supporting me.
Before they get here, I think I'll go make love to my lover one last time with long brown hair.
It's almost midnight now and the Red Warrior Shaving Party is over. Had lots of fun and I did well with it. Heck, I kinda like it! Now please pray for tomorrow. It's #2 chemo day.
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Day 58 Don't Google Images About Breast Cancer! Downer Day!
So after such a lovely week of feeling chipper, John and I lazed in bed ALL morning just cuddling and talking. I treasure these moments when I feel well and know I'm so loved just the way I am. I am very thankful that he can hold me in his arms and tell me how much he loves me. We briefly talked about my upcoming lumpectomy that I'll have after chemo. Just out of curiosity, I Googled "Breast Cancer Lumpectomy" and began viewing the multitude of images. I began to feel sick to my stomach and overwhelmed with sadness and it was just too much to take in. Literally, it depressed me and I couldn't shake it. Tears gently flowed from my eyes as I imagined my body being disfigured by surgery. So my word of strong advice is to NOT look at images on Google when you have a disease! Seeing those pictures of so many women and the mutilation of their beautiful bodies was angering. I hate cancer!
Then I couldn't stand the negative, sadness anymore so I got up, showered, put on one of my pretty new turbans, applied a little make up, and big funky earrings and John and I had a lovely lunch together and I'm feeling better now.
Tonight we have friends coming for dinner, Trace and Deb Slanaker. Deb is a recent leukemia survivor and we have much to talk about, plus she is the most positive cancer survivor I've known, considering she almost died several times with her aggressive treatment. I'm looking forward to their time in my home as we will share a mutual burden, and yet, we both are putting our trust in God for our identity and future hope, regardless of what happens to either of us.
I think the gloomy weather is part of my gloomy feeling today. I think I want sunshine now.
Then I couldn't stand the negative, sadness anymore so I got up, showered, put on one of my pretty new turbans, applied a little make up, and big funky earrings and John and I had a lovely lunch together and I'm feeling better now.
Tonight we have friends coming for dinner, Trace and Deb Slanaker. Deb is a recent leukemia survivor and we have much to talk about, plus she is the most positive cancer survivor I've known, considering she almost died several times with her aggressive treatment. I'm looking forward to their time in my home as we will share a mutual burden, and yet, we both are putting our trust in God for our identity and future hope, regardless of what happens to either of us.
I think the gloomy weather is part of my gloomy feeling today. I think I want sunshine now.
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Day 57 Another Amazing Day
If I did not have this plastic port stuck under my skin, I would not even know I was in treatment for cancer! I feel great, have tons of energy, and feel like my old self. I understand it may be a gift for a short while, but however long it lasts, I'm very thankful!
Tonight we had another Red Door couple over for the first time, Zach and Brittany Thurman. Those are some quality people! Something about this church that attracts the most genuine, interesting, kind-hearted, pleasant people! Again, John and I are so privileged to get to have them in our lives. Of course, John treated us to his master grilling delicacies with lamb chops and grilled veggies!
I continue to receive so many very lovely cards from patients, friends, and family. Thank you again and again for thinking of me and praying for me!! And so many people have continued to help financially as my work has literally come to a complete halt. I honestly don't know how we are going to make it for a year without me working as a hygienist, but I am learning to trust God in it. He is showing me the kindness of many that I never expected would be reaching out. Again, I pray individually for each person who has blessed us, and I am humbled immensely. Thank you.
I plan on enjoying each day this weekend until Tuesday at 9 am when I have my next chemotherapy.
Tonight we had another Red Door couple over for the first time, Zach and Brittany Thurman. Those are some quality people! Something about this church that attracts the most genuine, interesting, kind-hearted, pleasant people! Again, John and I are so privileged to get to have them in our lives. Of course, John treated us to his master grilling delicacies with lamb chops and grilled veggies!
I continue to receive so many very lovely cards from patients, friends, and family. Thank you again and again for thinking of me and praying for me!! And so many people have continued to help financially as my work has literally come to a complete halt. I honestly don't know how we are going to make it for a year without me working as a hygienist, but I am learning to trust God in it. He is showing me the kindness of many that I never expected would be reaching out. Again, I pray individually for each person who has blessed us, and I am humbled immensely. Thank you.
I plan on enjoying each day this weekend until Tuesday at 9 am when I have my next chemotherapy.
Friday, July 1, 2016
Day 56 all is well so this will be short and sweet
Yesterday Lynne Albrect kindly gave me hours of her time to help me get some things done around the house. It was great spending time with her. In the evening, I was able to get together with some young ladies to continue our book study, Rare, A Young Woman Who Fears the Lord. It was great seeing everyone again. I feel very privileged to be in the company of these mature young ladies who love the Lord so much.
Had a great night sleep and today spent most of the day preparing and cooking food for the upcoming week after my chemo, when I won't feel much like cooking.
Tonight, John and I enjoyed spending the evening with his granddaughters and swinging at the park with them.
Once again, we are sitting in our gazebo in beautiful candlelight closing out another great day of feeling excellent.
Again, thank you to everyone for your prayers and support in so many ways.
Had a great night sleep and today spent most of the day preparing and cooking food for the upcoming week after my chemo, when I won't feel much like cooking.
Tonight, John and I enjoyed spending the evening with his granddaughters and swinging at the park with them.
Once again, we are sitting in our gazebo in beautiful candlelight closing out another great day of feeling excellent.
Again, thank you to everyone for your prayers and support in so many ways.
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