Tonight I would like to fall asleep and not wake up until tomorrow when I am hoping to not feel like chemo drugs are pulsing through my veins. I don't much want to blog tonight, but I now know that I have some very special folks who wait for my blog all day. Crazy that at the end of my day, my life has turned into a stream of my thoughts and a report of how this disease has ransacked my life.
I must start with how thankful I am that today was far more tolerable than the previous 2 days. I did not have to take any anti-nausea meds to get me through the day, which is a huge plus. The side effects of them do make me feel less nauseous, but also so doped and zombie like, plus give me a headache, that I sit and hold it before taking one of those dastardly little pills, wondering if it's worth it. But then I hear that nurse's voice in my head every time I feel nauseous, telling me to stay ahead of the nausea. So even though I did not require them today, I still do have chemo effects lingering on: lack of any energy, chills when I'm not under a blanket, borderline headache and queasy feeling, along with the general lack of appetite, and the chemo brain feeling. It's like my brain feels the drug in it, and I feel an uncomfortable wave sensation. I hear my pulse in my ears, reminding me of the drugs coursing through, hopefully killing the cancer along with the cells that I'm quite fond of...hair, nails, skin, white blood cells, etc.
I had a friend stop by who is a breast cancer survivor and we talked 'shop' and she gave me some valuable tips on how to cope with all I'm dealing with. Unfortunately, it looks like I can expect to feel worse as time goes on with each treatment. She did remind me of God's goodness in it all, which I know is true, but today, I struggle to see goodness. I really hate cancer. I can't believe this is happening to me, and it really angers me that it's robbing me of my health and the life I knew before May 10th.
But then I remember my friends and family who pour out their support and love to overflowing as they come along side me to show their genuine kindness and goodness of the human spirit. For example, another one of my dear patients made a very generous donation to my gofundme account today and I ask myself how can I use this dumb cancer to be a light for God in a dark world? God whispers that He will show me His care for me in many ways, if I just look and not focus on the disease. Ok, God, I want to do that, but it's really hard on days when I feel so awful.
My foggy brain is kicking in, so I am signing off now. My stubble on my head kind of hurts and I just want to sleep now.
Good night, Connor. See you tomorrow with my girl.
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