Day 86 Final Day Of Jackson Vacation

Today is coming to a close as we are packed and ready for a very early morning back home.

We were supposed to go up in my friend's hot air balloon today, but after the balloons were half inflated and everyone was getting excited about going up, Margaret said that the weather coming in unexpectedly looked unsafe to fly, so everyone's trip was canceled. The funny thing was, we saw another double rainbow over the balloons! Others were disappointed, but I was very thankful they are so cautious, especially in light of the fact that just yesterday the worst US history hot air balloon accident killed 16 people. I'm perfectly fine not taking chances. But we did get to help the crew fold up the balloons and then we all went out to breakfast. Afterward, Margaret's uncle, Andy Breffeilh, said that the weather cleared so nicely shortly after the balloons were put away, that he really wanted to get up in the sky. But instead of ballooning, he asked me if I wanted to go up in his motorized glider! A couple hours later, I was flying in a 2 seater glider next to the Tetons. We did not stay up long at all though because he felt like the engine was getting too hot from waiting on the tarmac too long for the commercial jets. Again, I am most grateful for his safety concerns.

It was another hot day here in the Jackson Hole valley and after being outside for hours and on a hot tarmac waiting for our turn to lift off, I admit, I was getting a bit overheated. When we got home, I slept and felt a bit woozy. After hydrating and napping, I was fine. I have to be very careful about staying hydrated and I have enjoyed using my glass water bottle every day along with sleeping with the softest blanket every night that I got from my step daughter, Kasey.

We had a pleasant evening with Linda and Burr and now are packed and ready to head home.

What an amazing 10 days! Playing and resting with friends, realizing potential new work contacts for John, meeting Dr. Mary Neal, and 2 days of double rainbows...it's been a restful time.

I am a little worried that I may not have all the people lined up next week after my chemo treatment, but I trust the Lord will provide exactly what I need.  I also admit that I have some anxiety about Tuesday's treatment. It makes my stomach sick to think of it and how it will make me feel.  I will try not to think about it and distractions do help!

Thank you for all my dear friends who have wished me a great respite and for all who have supported me on this one an only trip I'll see in the next year. It's been a huge blessing on many levels. We take off super early tomorrow morning and will be home in the afternoon.

Day 85 The Miracle of Meeting Dr. Mary Neal

Today I had the privilege of meeting someone who significantly changed my life and I am most thankful. As I mentioned before, she is someone who the folks we are staying with knows, and she wrote a #1 NY Times Best seller book, To Heaven And Back. She graciously was willing to meet with me this morning and gave me an hour and a half of her time. She has talked with thousands of people regarding her near death experience, she has been on Dr. Oz, Oprah, etc and she is the most down to earth, humble, genuine person you'd ever want to meet. I just had to thank her for being willing to share her story as it has impacted me in a way I never really expected. She even brought me a copy of her book, and after we talked and I also shared about Jordan and Liz Pieniasek, she wrote a personal note in the book and we will give it to Liz as she will hopefully be very comforted to read about someone who personally has experienced death, not only herself, but has experienced deep loss when her 18 year old son died.

As a part of our adventure for the day, Burr and Linda own a white water raft and Burr has been a professional white water guide for years as a young man, so they took us on a long river ride down the Snake River! It was wild, wavy, and lots of fun. We laughed so hard when the boat dove down into the river and splashed us..no drenched us! Then when we came up and were laughing with the thrill of it all, I jokingly said that the wave was so big, it took my hair right off! Gotta laugh at this crazy situation I'm in, bald and all.

Then tonight, we had another gift from God. As we were making dinner, we heard a little rain drop sound on the roof. We went outside and noticed a rainbow starting across the mountain behind the river and in the next 20 minutes, it formed the most vivid colorful rainbow, in fact, we got a double rainbow and the entire arch stretched across the sky right in front of our eyes. It was magnificent! Such a promise from God that all His promises are true.

Heading off to bed as we will be getting up very early for a surprise hot air balloon ride.

Day 84 Answer to So Many Prayers & Wildlife Galore

Today and yesterday were awesome in many, many ways.

First, I was having a conversation with our friends out here and Burr shared with me about a woman in Jackson, WY who is an avid kayaker and had the most amazing thing happen to her many years ago.  So after some details of her and her son's death, I looked her up on Google because what he shared about her was unbelievable! There were several Youtube videos about her and when I watched a particular video, I would say God definitely supernaturally used her life's story and near death experience to help me understand a completely different context of my breast cancer, of my sweet friend, Jordan Pieniasek's death, and the critical nature of sharing that video with every single person that reads my blog and Facebook page. Her name is Mary Neal. If you are reading this, I would ask each person to take an hour out of their lives and invest in understanding God, illness, life and death in a whole new way.  It rocked my world and I consider this the greatest gift I have received to date. I would love to share it with you, too.  After watching this twice now, I have been also blessed with the gift of being able to meet with Mary Neal personally tomorrow. She knows Burr and Linda from church and Burr has taught her other children in school, so he simply called her and asked if she would be willing to meet with us so I could share how impacted my life has been because she was willing to share her experience.  Please take the time to watch this: https://youtu.be/fHXW1erHMtg.

Next, today the wildfires in the area are causing some real issues with smoke completely impeding the view of the mountains, so we laid low in the morning and went for an afternoon activity instead. Thankfully, by late afternoon, it cleared enough to enjoy some scenery. The first activity was going to a raptor rescue center where we saw bald eagles, a great grey owl, peregrine falcon, and golden eagle. Driving past some forest land, we saw a herd of elk. Then tonight while were were sitting on our friend's deck eating dinner, we witnessed an osprey with a trout in its talons being chased by a bald eagle, chased by a blackbird. They all went around the house and over the Snake River in their back yard for 3-4 minutes until the bald eagle won and got the fish from the osprey. Amazing to watch God's creation in action like that!

I am thankful that I am feeling so great now! I am fully aware how tired I get with minimal activity from being so sedentary in the past 6 weeks! But I feel wonderful, finally!

Lastly, I am wondering if any local friends are interested in hanging out with me to Tricia-sit for a few hours next week while John is working and I am recovering from my next chemo session? Please let me know if you are at all interested. I'm pretty boring, but want to be sure I have someone to just sit with should I need help.

Day 82 and Day 83 Low Key Still But Feeling Really Good

I went to bed yesterday realizing that I did not even think of blogging about anything because I really had nothing too concerning regarding cancer to report. PTL! However, I did have another very uneventful day, which was lovely.

I stayed at our friend's house the entire day but felt good. I realized that I had more dairy when we first got here than I usually have and that may have been a part of my tummy upset because 2 days ago I decided to lay off the dairy and noticed how much better I felt. Then yesterday morning we made Chugwater Chili and of course, I put a big dollop of sour cream on it. Within 5 minutes I felt unwell and needed to lay down. After an hour's nap, I woke up and was better. Hmmm. I definitely think it's the dairy, so I will lay off until my GI is better.

Linda and I went through John's laptop's photos of our trip to Quetico in 2015 and China in 2013 as our afternoon entertainment.

John came home after another long day meeting with builders and architects and wow! he had a hugely successful day! Once builder even gave him a set of blueprints to made a bid on a staircase that they are doing right now! Another builder texted him after his presentation and told him how impressed everyone at their senior staff meeting was with him and his professionalism and they can't wait to work with him. This is a huge answer to prayer! Now we just need to let things unfold.

In the evening, John grilled us all dinner and then we retired to their campfire area 10 feet away from the Snake River and we talked and sipped peppermint tea and listened to the river's flow. How beautiful, once again!

Today, I think I should be feeling well enough to go out on a little adventure. While John continues to meet with more builders and project managers in Wilson, WY, Burr, Linda, and I are going in to town to take the chair lift up Snow King Mountain and walk around a little bit.

One really exciting gift I just received news about is my other friend here in Jackson, Margaret Breffeilh whom I used to work with in Chicago at a dental office, IL, got ahold of me and we will get together this Sunday!  The treat is this...she owns her own hot air balloon and is part owner of the only hot air balloon company in Jackson...she offered to take John and I up on a ride Sunday morning! I decided I'm not going to tell John, but just say we are meeting Margaret early Sunday (6:15 a.m.) for breakfast because she has to be somewhere. Then I can't wait to see his face when I tell him she is taking us up in a hot air balloon! God is so good to us!

Day 81 Peaceful Day and Still Recovering from the Chemo (sad face)

Thank you to all my friends and family who sent me private and Facebook messages encouraging me from yesterday's upset. I am humbled by your kindness and love and even one who went above and beyond to make a second huge donation to my www.gofundme.com/triciawonderly account! Lee Doll is a patient of mine and has generously gifted me again. Please take a minute and look her up on Facebook 'Lee Doll Ministries'. She has a huge God story to tell and I hope everyone gets a minute to know her story.

Starting out this morning at 2 a.m., I woke to the most brilliant moon shining into our bedroom. The air here at night is a cool 45 degrees and the Snake River flows 75 yards from the house and our bedroom looks directly on it, so when the light of the moon is as radiant as it gets here, it's something to behold! I do have to sleep with a hat on because we sleep with the window cracked and 45 degrees makes for goose bumps on my scalp! Thankfully, it warms up to 80s in the day.

Also, I need to always keep a snack next to my bed, as I wake up starving and if I don't feed the monster, I get chemo brain and nausea pretty fast.

When we woke up, John left for the day to meet with more builders and architects in Jackson and had a very successful day! Praise God...He was even asked by one of the largest home builders in town to do a presentation at 7 a.m. to all their senior partners and project managers to talk about what John Wonderly Architectural Woodworking is all about. He said that they have looked at his website: www.wonderlywoodworking.com and are fascinated by his work! This was such great news!

I, on the other hand, couldn't really go anywhere all day as I had dumb chemo brain feeling off and on throughout the day. But I pressed through and Linda and I did do a really interesting Bible study for almost 2 hours. One of the side effects of this chemo that is pretty consistent but I forgot to mention is the taste of metal in my mouth most of the time.

Finally, I felt well enough to go to the grocery store and we got dinner and came home to grill out. The sunny 75 degree evening was delicious to sit outside and watch the hummingbirds dive bomb each other as they fight for a sip of the nectar Linda makes.

All in all, an uneventful day, which is exactly what I needed. I will say that I did expect to feel better by now on this trip, but it's better to be here feeling a little chemo brain than sitting in Ohio without John feeling a little chemo brain. No regrets in coming out here! This place is stunning.  Hopefully, by the end of the week, I will feel well enough to float down the river in an inflatable or take the tram to the top of the Tetons and look out onto the valley.

Again, thank you dearest loved ones for your encouragement and support!

Day 80 Response to yesterday's anonymous comment

I received an anonymous comment from day 78's blog and after answering it in the comment section, I was told it was too long to insert as a reply to that comment, so I am making that comment part of my blog for today.

Before I copy and paste my reply, I wanted to let those of you who follow my blog to know that I'm still laying low at our friend's house. I do feel well enough today to eat mostly normally, and I haven't had to nap most of the day away like the previous few day from feeling sheer exhaustion. I am very thankful for that. I also called my oncologist and let him know about my incident at the ER on Saturday and see what they wanted me to do. Seems they are not concerned I need to do anything drastic so long as I am not bleeding a lot! As for John, he is actually working out here in Jackson and meeting with many builders and architects all week to see if he can get connected here to increase his business.

Yesterday, Burr took John fishing in their boat. Our friend's house backs up to the Snake River, so they slipped out the backyard into paradise! Although the fishing was unsuccessful, John expressed how thankful he was that Burr offered to take him out. It is such a gift to see John have a time to relax and play a little. Taking care of me and working to provide financially without my help has caused a lot of stress on him and it brings me great joy to see him have some fun with friends.

Now, for the comment somebody made to my post yesterday, I had to really think long and hard how I, and if I wanted to reply. My first response was that that person was quite ballsy to throw a question like that out anonymously on my blog. But I don't know who this person is. They may not know me at all and I'm not sure why they think they needed to ask, as if they are the blog police, but I realized it would be a great opportunity to be totally honest about my vacation and even more, to show just how amazing God is acting in my life. So for that person, here is my reply.

Dear Anonymous,

This personal blog of mine is intended for my friends and family to understand the details of my day to day life as I walk through this journey of breast cancer. I really don't understand why anyone would pose such an indicting question unless you don't know me and feel like you have something to prove to the world, or you yourself would do such a dishonest thing and felt convicted personally in your own sinful dishonesty that you would even think that of me.

Admittedly, your sarcasm and anonymity are a bit unappreciated. Your lack of knowledge of the details of my personal situation is also evident.  I assume you don't know me well, either, otherwise you would not have asked, but since you put it out there, I would love to answer your question because it will shed light on God's goodness, despite your questioning my integrity. If you feel it is necessary to have more details than what I provide for your personal inquisitive satisfaction, I will joyfully provide that and you may personally email me to gain whatever more information you would like. I operate as a straight shooter and with honesty and integrity, and hopefully, next time, you might be more trusting and ask less insensitive questions. But for you, I will gladly oblige.

As I stated in several other blog posts, this vacation to visit and stay with friends who live in Jackson, was planned a long, long time ago, and I purchased and paid for the tickets in April, 2016. These tickets were already totally paid for with my budgeted vacation money I set aside when I was working full time and did not have any knowledge of having cancer. So when I got a diagnosis in May, I actually inquired with the airline about getting a refund or credit for these tickets to see what my options were as there was no guarantee that I could travel. Because I did not get trip insurance, something I'll never do again, I would have lost the money I paid for these if I did not use them. Even getting credit, in part, for them would not have been something I would have been able to utilize due to the fact that this next year I will be enduring chemo, surgeries and radiation. The restrictions on credit for unused tickets limited me to using them by April, 2017, one year from time of purchase. This was something I did not see happening.  So, it was my hope that during my first 8 weeks of chemotherapy, when I potentially have a 7 day window of feeling good between chemo treatments, I would feel well enough to still travel on a vacation I had planned long before my cancer diagnosis!

Now you might be saying that Jackson is a very expensive place to travel to for vacation, even if the tickets were paid for beforehand, and if I was someone else, you might have been right. But we are blessed to have friends who live there, picked us up at the airport, let us use their car, and we stay for free at their house, not to mention eat healthy home cooked meals at their house, which they have graciously provided as a gift to us! So I would never think of using 'other people's gifted money' for a rental car, dining out, hotels, or entertainment! Isn't that great! Therefore,since all this was given to us, I decided that since I will be suffering with all the pain, discomfort, and side effects of cancer treatment for the next year (obviously something you have no sympathy to understand), and I had the tickets already, and everything we will be doing will be at no cost to us, AND we will have the refreshing opportunity to heal for the one week in that 10 day period I will feel well in the next many months, I decided to accept the gift from my Heavenly Father and enjoy His beautiful creation in the Tetons, be loved on by my Christ-loving friends who offer us a respite for 10 days, and not even waste my own money I used to pay for our tickets many months ago. See how God works?! He does indeed take care of me, as you mentioned in your anonymous comment. Hopefully, you now see how I responsibly used my own money and accepted the gift of loving friends who understand the healing power of trying to live life as normally as possible when my days are often filled with feeling pretty awful.

As for the gracious money my friends and family have given to me to help pay for my "bare necessities", it was something I asked people to only do it if God put it on their heart to do as I will, indeed, have no income as a dental hygienist for a year. I would never want one penny of anyone's money if they questioned my integrity on how I used it. God will bless those who have given, as He has blessed me! For this I am so thankful! So you see, I will accept the loving gifts of those who choose to give to me because Jesus put it on their heart to take care of all my needs, whether it be prayer, money, a turban to cover my bald head, a home cooked meal to ease my burden at home, or a free healing vacation in Jackson, WY. All these are gift from a Heavenly Father who lavishes His love on me abundantly and I am not ashamed to accept His gifts. Thank you for helping me glorify His Goodness and giving me a platform to show how He takes care of His children!

Day 79 Still Laying Low and A Quick Visit To The ER

We are still very low key here. Most of yesterday and today my energy is quite low so I nap a lot & eat every 2-3 hours to keep from feeling nauseated.  We sat around and talked with Burr and Linda as our main activity. I was a bit more tired than I imagined, but at least I don't have a headache and I actually feel decent.

Unfortunately, we had a little scare yesterday afternoon that landed me in the emergency room for 2 hours but according to the blood work they drew, I am actually ok. Here is where having cancer gets gross but as I've said before, it is my reality. Read on if you want but it's a gross thing that happened.

So cancer tends to cause GI changes in most people as it kills the fast dividing cells. For me, thankfully, I have not experienced vomiting that many do. I, however, have struggled with needing to go to the bathroom 3-5 times a day! This gets a little rough on one's bottom for a few reasons and I've come to realize that my new normal means there will be a little blood present when I wipe clean. I remember asking the oncology nurse if it was a problem and she assured my that so long as it is on the paper only and not in the toilet, it's not a concern. Well, yesterday I had a huge scare when I looked in the toilet and it was bright red in the entire bowl! I called my doctor's office immediately in Cincinnati and they said I needed to get to the emergency room because my platelets could be dangerously low and I could be in trouble if I didn't have it checked.

So the adventure of our day now included going to the Jackson, WY emergency room. Thankfully, they said my platelets were stable and it didn't concern them so long as it didn't persist and I didn't lose more than 1 cup of blood. Not that I'm sitting there measuring, but I think it was much less than that. So I was released and we carried on as planned.

As we were sitting around the campfire at their house right next to the Snake River and gazing at the billions of stars as we recited poetry and told stories, I was very thankful we were here. It was a good night.

Today John and I enjoyed their hot tub at 6 am and I've been pretty tired all day. We all did a bible study together instead of going to their church. I'm much better off not being around crowds.

John just left to purchase a fishing license and I woke from another nap. I really hope my energy is better by Monday or Tuesday so we can play a little while we are here. But at least I can rest while seeing the mountains and river and stars and being in the company of dear friends.

Day 78 My Home Away From Home

Last night we arrived in Jackson, WY.  This is a vacation we planned back in April and I thought I would never be able to make it, but last night at 10 PM we arrived with the Teton Range greeting us as the sun was setting over Jackson Hole. Our friends, Burr and Linda Storrs, greeted us with love and hugs  and I cannot wait to celebrate living life to the fullest for the next 10 days as we have escaped into a slice of heaven on earth with some of our favorite people. 

 The flight was not bad, albeit, it was a little bumpy coming into Jackson. But my feet are on solid ground now and I'm looking at the mountains and a bald eagle just flew past my window and I can't even think about anything other then the gift this is to me! 

Praise Jesus! I'm so loved and taken care of and I feel it and see it all around me. 

Day 77 Permission Granted To Travel!

So much of my life these days is surrounded by how I'm feeling after receiving chemotherapy. It's tiring living it, so I'm sure it could be tiring reading about it. But today great news was given!

This week was especially important to me, personally, as we had planned vacation months ago to visit friends in Jackson, WY and do some wilderness camping there. Granted, I've been informed that the camping part can't happen due to risk of being injured and not having immediate medical care, but that does not mean we cannot enjoy beautiful Jackson! (It does mean I don't have to worry about being attacked by a grizzly while camping, which was a real fear I had!) My doctor told me that so long as my white blood count was good, I could go. Well, today those numbers were so good, that I almost wondered if they were too good! Seriously! My WBC should be between 3-5 yet with my Neulasta drug to stimulate WBC, mine was 100! I asked if it could be too high and the nurses assured me that it was just due to the drug I got on Tuesday and it would go down. In fact, one nurse told me she could not believe my bones were not in a ton of pain, as that is one of the side effects of Neulasta. Thankfully, I've had none this time. So in 12 hours, I should be packed and loading onto an airplane that will take me to one of my favorite places. It truly is a gift that I can go on this trip and I personally want to thank each person who whispered a prayer on my behalf to be able to enjoy God's magnificent creation in the Tetons.

And a sincere thanks to Michael K. for the sacrificial driving all the way to Springboro, again, to take me to my appointment. There was no way I could have driven on my own. In fact, I shut my eyes almost the entire drive because of car sickness I feel when driving this soon after chemo. Thank you, again!

As for my day yesterday before the doctor appointment, I was given the gift of sweet friendship in the company of Megan Lubbers and her foster baby...a little 5 lb bundle of a beautiful girl! While I didn't feel terrible yesterday, I also was a bit weak and took things slowly. Megan is one of the most loving and beautiful mothers I've ever seen and having them here was perfect for my energy level and needs of my heart.

I also successfully went the entire day with no anti-nausea meds!  None...I found that eating every 2 hours helped stave off that feeling of yuck.

After enjoying a healthy, delicious dinner brought to us by the Chase's, I was surprised that I had energy to pack last night. Jackson will be in the high 80's during the day and high 30's /low 40's at night! I convinced John to bring his fly rod and do some fishing while there. He is a man who needs a vacation in a serious way! I know all this cancer care and constant reminder of this disease has to wear on a person, especially the one who takes the most care of me, like him. He never complains and is the most loving and supportive husband I could dream of!  What a gift I have in John Wonderly.

In fact, I want to thank each person again who has volunteered to help us and care for me during this time. It certainly has not been easy and your love is evident. The prayers, phone calls, cards, flowers, gifts, emails, visits, financial support, meals, etc...thank you for showing us your love! It is not taken for granted.

Day 76 Looking Good For Friday

As I said in my previous day's blog, I woke up with energy yesterday. That's something I'll never take for granted again! However, after I laid back down, I was not so energetic for the rest of the day. I think that one chore used most of the energy I had for the day. I was mostly energy-less and a little woozy  throughout the day. I was still miles better than the previous 2 treatments, so I am grateful.

A patient of mine, Michael K., kindly gave of his time yesterday morning to sit with me and get me soup and water and tend to my needs. It's such a blessing when I see God working in my life like this and how generous so many people are with their time and resources. I'm still blown away at God's Hand in my care and people's willingness to help me in my time of need. God is using you, Michael! I never realized just how much help people needed when going through chemo! It's exhausting to be me right now. I feel badly asking for help but I know I need it, so I have learned to ask for what I need and I'm so thankful for those who can give.

I felt like I napped most of the day yesterday and my energy level got more and more zapped as the day went on. That may have been due to the anti-nausea meds, but at least I got in lots of rest.

A neighbor stopped by for a couple hours to encourage me and serve me and pray with me. Thank you, Janie! I am so blessed to have so many people who display God's love to me!

Last night I was wiped out and in bed pretty early, which meant I was up at 4 a.m. today, but I feel more refreshed today! I've already found the energy to do dishes, make eggs, and blog. Not bad for my morning. I'm hoping I won't need anti-nausea meds today. I am going to get blood work done this afternoon and if my numbers are good, I will get to go on vacation! That would be an answer to many people's prayers! I'm thankful my doctor is ok with me going so long as my WBC count is good. Mental health is just as important as physical health.

5:30 am Time to lay down...feeling a little spent.

Woke up at 7 am out in my gazebo. I love falling asleep out there in the early morning because I get to hear the crickets chirping and I pretend I'm in my hammock in Quetico, Canada. I was a little shaky when I woke up and needed to rest, so I showered and shaved my head, then ate. It's an odd thing to take a razor to my head every morning, but there is just a little bit of hair growth still, so I smooth it all off and put on the Whipped Neem Balm.

Soon Megan Lubbers will be coming over with her foster baby and I am hoping to have energy today to pack for Jackson, WY.

I find myself needing to eat something about every 2 -3 hours or I get too nauseous. Crazy how my life has turned into managing my physical side effects. It's way more consuming than I ever realized.  I'm sorry to all my friends who I usually call upon and check in. My brain isn't working right yet.

Day 75 A really good day considering I had chemo yesterday

 As I sit here on the couch waiting for my antinausea pill to kick in, I'll make a quick report about yesterday's success. I woke up with no headache and feeling great with some good energy. This alone is a miracle. Dr. Roberta McGregor came over  all day and helped clean my house and take care of me. Such a sweet time with her! It made my heart happy when she said she loved to dust. Go for it, Bertie!  My energy levels ebbed and flowed throughout the day and I did have to take some anti-nausea medication which then knocked me out for a couple of hours but compared to the last two chemo treatments, day number two following chemo was pretty spectacular yesterday! It makes me realize that   my chances of going to Jackson Wyoming this Friday are looking very good! My neighbor, Bonnie, came over in the later afternoon and we had a lovely visit followed by Graham and Monica Binder spending the night after helping John with Special Olympics for hockey.

 This morning I woke up again with great energy and feeling really good. After showering and shaving my head baby-butt smooth, I was feeling so good that I decided to tackle cleaning my bathroom and soon realized that it zapped all of my energy. When I got up  from cleaning the floor I got really dizzy and had to lay down. I'm not gonna complain about my low energy and little twinges of  nausea. This is very tolerable for two days after chemo. I'm thankful it's as easy as it is.

 I'm going to lay down now and wait for my care providers to come in today. Thank you everyone for your prayers and support and a special shout out to my cousins Pam and Todd Parmenter for their very generous support of gift! You guys are amazing! God is awesome!!

Day 74 Chemo Brain Prayed Away! Praise Jesus!!

So yesterday I definitely started my evening out with the typical feelings of side effects similar to how they felt the first two rounds of chemo. However, they were a little different and now I think I know why.

This time compared to the first two times, when I had the Cytoxan, my nose got tingly, my eyes felt heavy and they there was some pressure behind them, but I never got that woosh of heavy poison flowing through my brain like before. It's a very uncomfortable feeling and one I hate the most on chemo infusion day! So when I did not get it, THAT was answer to prayer! Also, in the evening this time, I had also felt a headache coming on, weakness, hot and cold flashes, shakiness, stomach churning, and by 7 pm or so, I would take an anti-nausea pill. I used to take Zofran but it made me feel horrible, so they switched me to Phenergan this time. THAT did not give me a headache at all when I woke up throughout the night, nor did I even get a headache beforehand! THAT is another answer to prayer!

Now it's 4 am, which is not too early considering I went to bed at 7 pm last night, and guess what? No headache, no chemo brain, no stomach churning, nothing. I feel a little weak and shaky only! THAT, my sweet Jesus, it a huge answer to prayer!

And what do I think is different from a treatment point of view? People prayed for my doctors and nurses and this is what happened: First, the doctor decided to give me extra fluids this time before giving me the chemo drugs. It's possible I was slightly dehydrated before receiving them in the past and this time they made sure I was well hydrated. Also, the change of anti-nausea meds made a marked improvement. If anyone loves Zofran, I have a few you can have. I'll never touch those dastardly little pills again! They were part of my awful horrible response. Yes, I know it's illegal to give your rx meds to someone else...I'm just sayin...I have some that I'll never use.

So now, I am bright-eyed, making a cup of chamomile tea, am going to sit in my gazebo and listen to and sing along with some amazing worship songs that make my heart happy. I read a psalm the other day that reminded me that a faithful heart worships and I am in desperate need of some worship time. I have not been to church in over a month in order to stay away from all those little buggers lurking on the hands and kisses of so many little kiddos and their parents in a crowded church. And so to protect myself, I have been instructed to stay home on Sundays. Missing my Red Door family, big time! So Lord, here I come...with such a thankful heart!

http://youtu.be/EpqSbKYxd9Y
King of my heart by Sarah McMillan

Day 73 Blogging With Chemo Brain

Yesterday is a bit of a blur right now as I sit here typing with my eyes closed due to the chemo brain feeling that is invading my body right now.

I know John and I went to Caesar's Creek and kayaked and it was lovely. I imagined I was in Quetico and listened to the birds, the swoosh of John's paddle in the water, and felt the sunshine on my face on a cool Sunday morning. Magical moment. I'm clearly missing Quetico right now as I seem to bring it up often. Thankfully, John placates me.

If the afternoon, we went to Victoria Theatre to watch Wizard of Oz with our sweet Binder friends. It was so nice being with them and seeing their smiles and receiving their hugs. As for the show, it was good. I guess I like Wizard of Oz as much now as I did as a kid and to say I liked it, but not loved it would be more truthful. The monkeys and witch still are creepy as a 49 year old. No matter, we were out, feeling good and with friends.

For dinner, we had Mike and Andrea Moorehead come up for BLT sandwiches and a time visiting in the gazebo. So good seeing old friends.

We had such a packed day, that by the time they left, I fell face first into my bed and was asleep in seconds. The best part of a day like that on the day before my chemo, is I don't much think of the upcoming chemo. A huge plus!

Woke this morning to rain and light thunder. I love mornings like that. We hung out in the gazebo and then got off to my appointment. Lynne Albrecht, from Red Door church, came all the way to my house to pick me up, stayed with me the entire treatment, took me to Pies and Pints, came back to my house, made me cabbage rolls and attended to my ever increasing chemo effects as the afternoon went on. I don't have English words to express my gratitude of this magnitude! I feel so loved.

Two answers to prayer: My friend, Deb, who I said was having a biopsy found out it was negative!! AMEN
My chemo dosing today was the best of the three. The Cytoxan usually give me a nasty brain rush of drug that feels wrong in my brain. I hate it. But I only had minor effects like tingling in my nose and a tingling/uncomfortable weirdness in my eyes and brain and strong metal taste in my mouth, but not horrible.  After lunch at Pies and Pints, we got home and now it's starting to kick in. I'm losing energy, getting very foggy brained, and feel a little shaky and a little clammy. I think I will sleep well tonight, but I will probably try that new anti-nausea drug they gave me called Phenogren.

That's all I have energy for today. No promises tomorrow or Wednesday, but please say a prayer that I will be well enough to go to Jackson, WY on Friday afternoon. Thank you, dear ones.

Day 72 Making The Most of Feeling Well Before Monday

I will state that when I feel like I have for the past several days, which is wonderful, I struggle to know if it's worth blogging because sometimes I think it's easier to focus on the negative side effects of cancer ie. nausea, treatment, needing help, etc. But then I remind myself that days like these are what I dream of! All week long I  wait to feel physically well and I need to share that that is part of my journey, too, and the part I'm so thankful for. So I can report that yesterday held all good things again.

I do seemed to think about Quetico quite a bit. This sacred place in Ontario, Canada is where John and I wilderness camp every year. As I am palpably aware that I cannot go this year, I have surrounded myself with memories of it yesterday and today. Last night John and I read two articles in the coveted Boundary Waters Journal magazine we get every quarter. http://www.boundarywatersjournal.com/

We looked at our pictures from last year while relaxing in our gazebo and listened to the water feature that sounds like a waterfall and reminisced about the trip and relived through the videos I took and the plethora of photos I obnoxiously took while we were there. I am absolutely not sorry for 'just one more picture'.

And to top it off this morning, now that we have had breakfast and John has read Scripture to me and we have spent time praying, John and I are dressed and ready to hop in our tandem kayak to paddle Caesar's Creek. Paddling on rivers, streams, and lakes is as close to Quetico as I will get this year. I even am wearing a typical outfit, earrings, and camp bandana that I take with me to Quetico and listening to loon sounds on my computer. We were saying that this is the time of year that we would be feverishly dehydrating food, vacuum-sealing meals, packing our gear and checking our multiple lists to get ready for our September trip of a lifetime. I go to Zup's Outfitter's Facebook page and look at the photos Kathy Zup posts to vicariously live through people there right now who are catching 3-4 lb small mouth bass. http://zupsresort.com/

We have a fun-filled day planned on this last day before my #3 round of chemo. (Ugh...even typing it makes my stomach churn). We will go to Victoria Theatre and watch one of their cool summer series films with the Binder gang, then have Mike and Andrea Moorehead over for dinner.

On a prayerful note, I am continuing to for Deb's recovery from her biopsy and my friend, L.S., as she seeks the Lord for direction about a heavy heart.

Day 71 Friends, Dates, and The Final Shaving...Oh! And it gets a little R rated for those of you who embarrass easily.

Friday was a day that I was showered with love from two dear friends, Sara Godbey and Michaelah Sargent. These ladies drove all the way here with the most delicious fresh salmon lunceon anyone (other than my hubby) has ever made for me! I also got to try fried plantain and loved it! We had a lovely few hours talking about everything from food to Primal Pit Paste to cancer. I was so honored that they gave me their time and I especially am thankful to Sara who gave me some of her spoons. If you don't understand the analogy, then read this article: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

I also went on a date night with my amazing husband to a newly renovated theatre in Miamisburg, OH. I decided to wear my wig for the first time and it was actually odd seeing myself with hair at first, but I got used to it quickly. It  itched only a little and more than anything, was funny when I realized my part was off a little. So instead of combing one's hair to fix it, I just pulled my whole wig over so it looked right. It's really funny and weird, I admit. Thankfully, John honestly does not care if I wear a wig, a turban or just go natural, aka, fuzzy bald. I just kept saying all night how it feels so good to feel good!

Then this morning, I woke up and realized that while most of my hair has fallen out, there was still lots of stubbly, prickly hairs still attached to my scalp and it dragged on my pillow and itched. So, I decided to do a final shave job! Ever since my chemo, my hair has not grown at all. My realization that it's not going to grow, but hasn't all fallen out made me think that if I did one final shaving with a razor, everywhere, it would all feel smooth and stay that way! Sweet! So, I lathered up and took it all off. Not sure when I'll lose my eyebrows and eyelashes, but they are still intact for now. I actually don't mind my head bald! I think I could get used to this. In my vain opinion, the trick to looking and feeling good when a woman is bald is dangle earrings and a little make-up, plus a nicely shaped head helps!

John and I started our morning out the best way two married people who are in love and thankful they are alive and feeling well, can.  I do not take for granted feeling well enough to want to make love and I am not ashamed to say on my blog that we did! Why would I even say that? Let me explain for those of you who question why it's necessary for me to talk about sex on a blog.  When we first talked to my oncologist before I had any chemo, I asked him if having chemo meant we could not be intimate for 5 months! He told me that I could if I felt like it, but that I would probably NEVER feel like it. Take that and dwell on it for a minute. Newly married, madly in love and bam! I'm told cancer will remove my desire and ability to have sex for half a year. Well, I'm here to encourage everyone that is married, whether you have cancer or not...If you feel well enough to make wild, passionate love to your spouse, by all means DO IT! Because you never know when you will lose that precious opportunity due to illness, divorce, or death. Like I said, I do not take for granted feeling good and appreciate those moments when I do.

Day 70 Sunshine On My Shoulders

Yesterday was a wonderful, uneventful, normal, delightful day...finally!

To say I had no side-effects of the chemo would be untrue as I did have to spend much time in my bathroom leaning over my sink, rubbing my hands on my balding head to help along the stubble detachment process, otherwise, every time I turned my head, there were hairs falling on what I ate, where I sat, and over what I cooked. I decided to expedite the process by continuously rubbing and rubbing, round and round, like a crystal ball, my cute little shaped head! While there is still fine stubble, the majority of my head is sans cheveux. (So much more beautiful to say it that way :) But other than that, I had energy, ate well, desired activity, drove all the way to West Chester by myself to visit Josh and Tiffany Lenon, my pastor and his wife, and had impromptu surprise visitors, Jen Dollenmeyer and Brian Rhodus,  to hang with in my gazebo last night.

I am continuously amazed at the outpouring of people's love and kindness to me, even people I don't know! From getting offers to help me when I'm my sickest to receiving cards, phone calls and unexpected extravagant gifts. For instance, yesterday, I got the mail (it was glorious to be able to walk to the mailbox and have the warm sunshine on my skin...oh the little things) and there was a box with my name on it with a letter and gift from one of my son's high school friend's mom! I can't remember if I've ever even met her, but she has been keeping up with my blog because my son posted about my breast cancer. God moved her heart to share her hand-made natural soaps, plus as much as I will need during my healing, and a special scented whipped shea butter & neem balm that will soothe my head and help heal my wounds as I get surgery and radiation. Who does that?! I really need to remember these random acts of kindness and the amazing generosity of strangers and become more like them. It moved me to tears to see how people I don't even know are praying for me and sending me beautiful gifts. Thank you, Ann Post! By the way, I think she has a website that you can check out...these are especially beautiful soaps and my overly rubbed head thanks you for the Whipped Neem Balm! It's truly appreciated, Ann. 
www.annmadesoap.com

More sunshine talk...I  felt well enough to drive as much as I wanted to yesterday, so I ran an errand for my hubs in Centerville, shopped at a local roadside veggie/fruit stand, Treadways, and bought some fresh  summer tomatoes, cukes, and peppers. Oh, I love it when food looks and tastes so delicious! And I drove all the way to a friends last night without getting dizzy! While driving home, I loudly played my John Denver CD and sang even louder every song. When Sunshine On  My Shoulders began, I couldn't help but think how lovely it truly is to be alive and well enough to enjoy sunshine and  tears flowed down my face with thankfulness. I'm sure anyone seeing me cry with my bald head might have thought I was sad, but no...these were tears of such joy and gratitude for the little things in my life.

Day 69 Second Post of the Day (Follow Up re: ENT) And An Encouragement From a Neighbor

I called the ENT and unfortunately, they cannot get me in this week. Thankfully, I have not noticed that weird feeling much today. Who knows, maybe it's all in my head?! They did schedule me for July 27th, which will be 9 days after my next chemo, so I should be able to make it to the appointment, unless, by miracle of all miracles, I feel well enough and my WBC count is good next Thursday. If that's the case, I still plan on going to Jackson, WY to see some friends. We planned this months ago and were going to do some wilderness camping, but instead, if I do go, we will chill in the Hole, while John meets with some builders and architects there to promote his business: www.wonderlywoodworking.com
 I'm honestly not anticipating being able to go, but since I bought the tickets, I hate to lose out on the ticket if I don't have to.

As for the encouragement from Janie, my neighbor, here is an article from Christianity.com

July 14
Developing Faith through Adversity
2 Corinthians 11:23-30
It doesn't seem fair, does it? Paul spent his life serving Christ, and yet he experienced continual suffering. Why would God let one of His most faithful servants go through so much pain? This isn't just a question about Paul; it's an issue we face today. In our minds, the Lord should protect His loyal followers from hardships, but He doesn't necessarily do so.
Maybe our reasoning is backwards. We think faithful Christians don't deserve to suffer, but from God's perspective, suffering is what produces faithful Christians. If we all had lives of ease without opposition, trials, or pain, we'd never really know God, because we'd never need Him. Like it or not, adversity teaches us more about the Lord than simply reading the Bible ever will.
I'm not saying we don't need to know Scripture; that's our foundation for faith. But if what we believe is never tested by adversity, it remains head knowledge. How will we ever know the Lord can be trusted in the midst of trouble if we've never been challenged by hardship? God gives us opportunities to apply scriptural truths to the difficulties facing us, and in the process, we find Him faithful. For example, how would Paul ever have known the strength of Christ if he had never been weakened by pain, persecution, and adversity?

Depending on your response, trials can be God's greatest means of building faith or an avenue to discouragement and self-pity. If you'll believe what Scripture says and apply its principles to your situation, your trust in God will grow, and your faith will be strengthened through adversity.

Day 69 Giving Thanks on Day 8 After Chemo Round #2

The first experience I had with chemo on June 20th led me to believe that I would be feeling really great after about 4 days post the injections. The second experience I had with chemo on July 5th led me to believe that people who say there is an accumulative effect with each dosing, know much more than me. It wasn't until yesterday, Day 8, after my second dose that I had an almost normal day. So, for that I am very thankful. Days when you don't think about all the side effects around the clock are days to be very, very thankful for.

On thing I would say I am more aware of with chemo is my forgetfulness. Typically, I am able to juggle many tasks at once, remember what I am supposed to do throughout the day, and like a pit bull, accomplish much in a day. Nowadays, I will remember that I was going to do something several days later or pull thoughts together enough after several days to finish a task because my brain literally did not think it through all the way. Thankfully, it doesn't upset me, but it does make me wonder what I'm missing as far as bills to be paid, or details that need my attention.

Yesterday I felt well enough to drive 7 minutes down the road by myself to the grocery store to pick up food for dinner guests and to get my new anti-nausea medication, Phenergan. Hopefully, next week when I need it after my chemo #3, it will not make me feel so awful! It was a huge success for me to feel comfortable enough to drive, even if only for 7 minutes. I am very thankful for that.

I got to talk to my cousin, Lara Richardson, for a good hour and it was really nice catching up with her for the first time since all this crazy cancer happened to take over my life. And, last night, we had the parents of one of our Special Olympics athletes over for dinner. I am so thankful I felt so well. Teri, the mom of this athlete lost her first husband 21 years ago to cancer and I think she was shocked at how well I looked and felt compared to what he experienced. Good thing she came yesterday and not last week!

Two more thoughts before I close: One, I need to get my week organized for after my next chemo this upcoming Monday. I now realize how valuable it is to have someone hang at the house with me while John is working. Granted, I sleep most of the time, but in between napping, I could use a  visitor to get my meds, make me a bottle of lemon water, or pour me some applesauce, etc. My Monday is cared for, but Tuesday-Friday has some openings for visitors. Granted, I'm not talking about really us visiting, but more like you bring a book and relax while I get through the chemo drug side effects. I need people who are patient, quiet, and healthy. I don't have a tv and I will be pretty worthless to talk to. But if you have a few hours here or there, please let me know so I can get a schedule going.

Lastly, I will be calling an ENT today to look at my throat. Ever since the beginning of my breast cancer diagnosis, I noticed a tightness or burning sensation on my neck/back of my throat. At first, I thought it was neurological just from the stress of the cancer diagnosis. I experienced this sensation anywhere from 1-6 times a day and it lasted for only a few seconds. But last night I was aware that that sensation, while not sharp and debilitating, was noticeable for much longer stretches and did not seem to go away. I have an appointment scheduled for next Wednesday, but just this morning at 4 a.m. I woke up and realized that that is only 2 days after my next chemo and I will be in no condition to leave my house and see a doctor then! I will call today and pray they will get me in sooner...like today! My fear is that it's more cancer. If this tightness continues, it could block my airway.

Your prayers are coveted. I am most thankful for each person who utters a prayer to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

Day 68 Skip Reading Today If You Don't Want Gritty Details Of How Chemo Wreaks Havoc On One's Body

Today I am blogging about my yesterday. It truly is like being on a emotional, spiritual, and physical roller coaster around here!

I woke up feeling great, again. Made a healthy breakfast and then around 10 am I started feeling 'off' again...like a head rush and a little dizzy. Off and on all day I experienced that stupid chemo brain feeling but not terribly...just enough to let me know the drugs are still there, messing with my brain chemistry. I would have sudden clamminess and feel warm, then feel chilled and need a wool blanket to get comfortable.

As for the tummy and nausea feeling, I don't have it bad enough that I feel like I need anti-nausea meds, but my stomach flips and churns throughout the day and feels like I ate bad pizza, really bad pizza! Then (here is the gross, but real part) I have been in the 'bathroom' at least 6 times today! Supposedly these chemo drugs really mess with one's GI tract, and suffice it to say, it's true! Between a sore bottom, the scare of seeing blood every time I wipe, and my stomach gurgling off and on all day, I'm kind of over this crap (pun intended!)

Then the emotional yuck. I think I've broken down crying 2 or 3 times today as I think of how unpleasant all this is AND I'm only on treatment #2 of 16! How in the world will I be able to tolerate 14 more doses?!

John drove me to pick up my wig, thankfully, because after 5 minutes of driving, I began to feel car sick from the motion of seeing out my window. I literally had to close my eyes the entire drive or I felt dizzy.

The wig looks great. It's long dark brown hair, just like my own and feels comfortable, just a bit warm. So now I have options: wig, bald, or turban. I'm good with any or all.

My appetite is not great still. Food has no real appeal, but there are certainly foods that sound terrible and foods that are tolerable. But to say I have cravings, does not exist. I eat because I should, and that's about it.

My daughter, Sarah, decided she wanted to help me as much as she could and created her own www.gofundme.com/sarahpylesmom account. This way her friends and contacts could help support me, too. I think she did a really nice job!

I was pleasantly surprised last night when my co-worker and friend, Courtney stopped by with her boys and visited and brought me beautiful flowers, a card, and a coloring book with pencils. Thankfully, I felt good at the time and we enjoyed a nice hour or so while watching her boys play with the hose and get wet.

To top off my night, Monica and Graham came home with John after helping coach Special Olympics at the Lebanon YMCA and we all enjoyed a grilled meal, courtesy of Graham and John's grilling mastery!

Just before heading to bed, I began to wonder if I was ever going to lose my hair! I knew a bunch of my long hair fell out last Monday, July 4th, but after it was shaved  down to stubble, I really haven't felt like I was losing any more....until last night. I was standing in front of my mirror and ran my hand over my head stubble and in 3 rubs, my sink was covered in little black and gray hairs! I, once again, knew this was the end of an era of my GI Jane BA look, and onto a balding, but beautiful  Tricia look. In fact this morning, I showered and washed my head 6 times as I saw it falling out. When I emerged from the shower, I was admittedly shocked at how bald I became in those 6 washings. I expect to be a complete shining bowling ball in 2-3 days. At least I'm told I have a cute head shape! Whew, it's always good to know those little things in life! :)

Today, I do have a prayer request. I have a dear friend, Deb Slanaker, who was diagnosed with leukemia a couple years ago. She is in remission! Then a couple months ago, I had the privilege of cleaning her teeth for her and when I did her oral cancer exam, I noticed a growth on the back of her throat that was definitely not supposed to be there! She is in having it biopsied right now, today, as I type. Please pray for her as she is like family to us around here on many levels.

God, you are good. Today, I lean into You for my strength and hope.

Day 67 Request To My Regular Blog Junkies...

Last night after talking with Holly B and knowing that Connor, too, checks for updates almost as often as he looks for Pokeman Go, I began to think that I would love to use my time at home more prayerfully. IF you are one of those people who checks for my blog updates daily, would you kindly send me a text and just let me know, so I can pray for you. If you have a special request, feel free to include that too. If not, I will come up with something as God puts you on my heart. Thank you for loving me and for liking me. If for some reason I may not have your number, please include your name in the text.

You may text me: 937-608-2444

These are the verses that I think of today...especially 17

1 Thessalonians 5:12-16

12Dear brothers and sisters, honor those who are your leaders in the Lord’s work. They work hard among you and give you spiritual guidance. 13Show them great respect and wholehearted love because of their work. And live peacefully with each other.

14Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone.

15See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people.

16Always be joyful. 17Never stop praying. 18Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Day 66 A Scary Start To My Day

When I woke up, I felt great! No chemo brain, no dizziness, no nausea. Alex left today, but he offered to come with me to have my off-week blood testing down in Mason, OH before his flight. I figured it would take, at most, 30 minutes since all we needed to do was draw blood to check my white blood count and platelets, etc.

As we drove to the office, I began to feel a little light-headed, but sunglasses helped at first. Then it became more noticeable once I got into the doctor's office. When the nurse took me back, she asked how I was doing and I mentioned that I was a little dizzy. She checked my blood pressure and it was pretty low: 94/60. She suggested I could be a little dehydrated and they offered to give me IV fluids to rehydrate me once they got blood drawn from my port.

Right away, I noticed it was cold in the room, so I asked for a warm blanket. Then a few minutes later, I asked for another warm blanket because my arms and shoulders were too cold. Then when I moved my head off the chair, I knew my dizziness was way out of control. I almost felt like I could faint, so I told the nurse that I was really dizzy. She suggested laying my chair back to help, since the IV was working to help. I agreed and laid back. Unfortunately, I just kept feeling colder and colder and was shaking, so I asked Alex to get me more warm blankets. I tried calming down and allow the warm blankets to warm me, but I realized I was uncontrollably shaking. All I kept thinking was how cold I was and I wondered if the shaking would stop.

The next thing I knew, Alex must have gotten the nurses and showed them how badly my body was shaking and I heard them ask me how I felt. I just said I was cold and couldn't stop shaking. They immediately took me off the IV drip and got the Nurse Practitioner. I don't think I even opened my eyes but heard her say that she did not think it was a seizure, but something was definitely wrong and she said she would get me a muscle relaxer to help. Within a few minutes of going off the IV, my body stopped shaking and I felt better, but they gave me the drug anyway. It totally knocked me out for an hour while they gave me the rest of the IV fluids. When I woke up, I felt fine. They said it could have been that my electrolytes were off or that maybe the IV fluids were too cold. I don't know what it was, but I knew I felt totally fine when all was said and done. Looking back on it, the amount of shaking was more like convulsing, yet I just laid there hoping to get it under control. The nurse told me afterward that she had never seen anything like it. "Whew! Glad to know I came out of that and it wasn't anything more serious!"

We went home, Alex left for the airport, and I napped off and on but felt normal in my brain today for  the first time since before Chemo.

Tonight a neighbor brought me some beautiful flowers and a card and I got to talk to friends on the phone before heading to bed. It makes me feel so special to hear some friends tell me that they check to see if I blogged all the time and can't wait to read the next entry. I don't know that what I write is THAT interesting, but I am thankful that I have people who think about me and pray for me daily as they learn what a day in the life of chemo looks like. Can't wait to visit with you soon, Holly B!

As for my hair...it's still on my head and I'm sure it's falling out, but thankfully because it's so short, I'm not noticing it much. However, if I rub my head, it kind of hurts and feels warm. I did get to wear one of my pretty purple turbans today, which I really love, Marisa Sobb!

Day 65 Disappointed In My Chemo Brain Still

Once again, I hoped to feel differently by this time after the chemo this week. Started out feeling great and I made a big breakfast, but then it hit me and I was on the couch with chemo brain and fatigue feeling. I stayed on the couch most of the day, which hugely disappointed me, especially with Alex here.

He is such a good guy though, he totally understood and just sat with me and talked and helped John with some projects, including cutting down some trees out back and cooking dinner for us.

On a positive note, I did get to FaceTime with my dearest Liz and Brooklyn and this made my heart happy to see them together in Colorado for a short, sweet visit. It blesses me when the three of us can all talk together and I can't wait until October when we can be together for our annual girls weekend once again, despite the fact that I'll be on my last leg of chemo and probably feeling awful.

Not much else to report...

Day 64 Alex Came To Visit Me From California!

If you read my 4 a.m. post, I obviously had a rough night.

Today I had the joy of my Chinese son, Alex Yan, come to visit me from San Jose, CA. It's so wonderful spending time with people who live so far away and I only see every year or two and knowing that he flew here just to see me!  Unfortunately, his wife, Rita, couldn't come because they will have a baby in a week or two!

I thought I would feel back to normal by the afternoon, based on how I felt last time with chemo, but I'm not quite back to my old self. I did sleep and lay around quite a bit today and felt that chemo brain sensation that just feels wrong. Good thing is I did eat my first big meal tonight. John grilled halibut and we got to enjoy a family dinner with Sarah and Connor with Alex!

As for my heart, it's better. Sarah sent me some awesome scriptures that I pondered and it gave me perspective and reminded me of the importance of keeping my mind stayed on God's Word so I have the Truth before me instead of letting my emotions and fears get the best of me.

Now I'm going to bed with the hope that tomorrow will be even better!

Day 64 I Hate Cancer! Unfiltered thoughts at 4 am. Oh, And I'm Sure This Will Offend Someone.

Last night after blogging, John and I went to up to bed. We weren't especially sleepy so we watched a movie. After it was over, I was lying there in his arms thinking how much I hate this cancer! I was overwhelmed with tears. Not just quiet, flowing down my face kind of tears. These were balling, can't catch my breath kind of tears! I finally uttered, "Why me? I HATE CANCER! I hate what it has done to our life. I hate the stress it causes us. I hate the  way my body feels! I don't want to do this chemo anymore! I have 14 more sessions of this hell! I hate this cancer!" He held me with his strong hands and stroked my stubbly head and assured me he would take this for me if he could and that it's ok to cry and he loves me and will be with me through it all.

You see, my stubble-haired head felt warm and oddly strange as I knew that every moment another follicle is letting go of one of my short pieces of hair and will continue to do so until I'm bald, totally bald! Sure, I can joke and say, "Hey, at least I won't have to shave for months! And you get a free Brazilian!" You know what I realize right now in this moment? I couldn't care less about those things! My hair is making a mess everywhere. When I eat, my head sheds stubble in my food. Gross! When I sleep, my body sheds hair in my sheets. Everywhere! When I wake up, my body is cold, then hot, then hungry, then nauseous. My head pounds as I stand up, so I hold my head to stop the pounding and what do I get? A prickly reminder of my chemotherapy drugs.

I started this whole process thinking I'd be so spiritual, so close to the Lord, reading the Word everyday and studying the Bible. But what can I say about myself? I can say I am thankful for everything all my friends and family are doing, yet inside I  feel dry, spiritually. I don't sense God curing me. I don't see Him making me feel less symptoms than anyone else with these stupid drugs.  I feel like I'm fooling myself in thinking I'm some Christian pillar that people say I am. That's crap! I'm focusing on my hair falling out, my headaches and flu-like symptoms, my  treatments and their side effects. I'm  rarely listening to anything and when I do, I'm too fatigued to pay attention.

In fact, in three weeks since all this started, I have two vivid memories when I quietly worshiped the Lord and it was sweet (both times I was  in the shower and as uncovered before my Lord as possible), I have one time when I listened to the Word and it was just meaningless words off a page. So where is my faith? Where is my honest trust in the Lord? I am so  lame, God. I even have begun questioning my throat pain symptom. I still pray every time it happens for some woman or girl who is being raped, and I hope it's a prayer that is heard, but today, this morning, I realize am nothing. I am nothing spiritual, nothing to emulate, nothing to model. I am selfish, whining, and pathetic.  I just want this cancer to go away. I want my life back.

Day 63 Just For Connor, But Anyone Can Read This :)

Tonight I would like to fall asleep and not wake up until tomorrow when I am hoping to not feel like chemo drugs are pulsing through my veins. I don't much want to blog tonight, but I now know that I have some very special folks who wait for my blog all day. Crazy that at the end of my day, my life has turned into a stream of my thoughts and a report of how this disease has ransacked my life.

I must start with how thankful I am that today was far more tolerable than the previous 2 days. I did not have to take any anti-nausea meds to get me through the day, which is a huge plus. The side effects of them do make me feel less nauseous, but also so doped and zombie like, plus give me a headache, that I sit and hold it before taking one of those dastardly little pills, wondering if it's worth it. But then I hear that nurse's voice in my head every time I feel nauseous, telling me to stay ahead of the nausea. So even though I did not require them today, I still do have chemo effects lingering on: lack of any energy, chills when I'm not under a blanket, borderline headache and queasy feeling, along with the general lack of appetite, and the chemo brain feeling. It's like my brain feels the drug in it, and I feel an uncomfortable wave sensation. I hear my pulse in my ears, reminding me of the drugs coursing through, hopefully killing the cancer along with the cells that I'm quite fond of...hair, nails, skin, white blood cells, etc.

I had a friend stop by who is a breast cancer survivor and we talked 'shop' and she gave me some valuable tips on how to cope with all I'm dealing with. Unfortunately, it looks like I can expect to feel worse as time goes on with each treatment. She did remind me of God's goodness in it all, which I know is true, but today, I struggle to see goodness. I really hate cancer. I can't believe this is happening to me, and it really angers me that it's robbing me of my health and the life I knew before May 10th.

But then I remember my friends and family who pour out their support and love to overflowing as they come along side me to show their genuine kindness and goodness of the human spirit. For example, another one of my dear patients made a very generous donation to my gofundme account today and I ask myself how can I use this dumb cancer to be a light for God in a dark world? God whispers that He will show me His care for me in many ways, if I just look and not focus on the disease. Ok, God, I want to do that, but it's really hard on days when I feel so awful.

My foggy brain is kicking in, so I am signing off now. My stubble on my head kind of hurts and I just want to sleep now.

Good night, Connor. See you tomorrow with my girl.

Day 62 Chemo Recovery Blahs

 Today, I don't really feel like blogging. The reality is that the side effects of chemo make you feel crappy.   My entire day yesterday was spent managing a headache, nausea, fatigue, and hunger. I did get to talk to some friends and family on the phone and FaceTimed which was really nice.  I did have a short burst of energy in the morning and went to try on my wig. My daughter Sarah suggested naming this wig so if anyone has a suggestion, feel free to let me know your thoughts.  At this point all I can tell you is it's long dark brown hair and the official color is cappuccino and the official style name is Brandi.  I'm not much of a "name my wig" kind of a person, but I guess we can try to have fun with this to brighten my day!

 I don't really have much energy this morning to say anything else other than the only thing that's  worth talking about right now is how much I love my mom! Happy birthday Mama!

It's now many hours later and today has been not good.  I've been sick in the bathroom or nauseous or have had a headache the entire day. Unfortunately the antinausea pills make me feel really loopy, but they also knocked me out.  I have had two today and done nothing but sleep for the most part. When I wake up I'm struggling with a headache and feeling like I have the flu.

 Thankfully, my son, Jonathan, stopped by for a little while this morning and made me breakfast before I passed out until around 2 o'clock today. That's when I had to call my neighbor Bonnie, and she was able to come over and save me from dehydration.  I literally can't even get up off the couch due to weakness. I'm so thankful for neighbors!

 Then my friend, Liz, came over and comforted me, got me blankets and made me some sweet potato soup. She's a good friend and I'm thankful she found away today to come visit me.  After she left I simply fell asleep again and probably will lay on the couch until my husband comes home from hockey. I pray tomorrow I'm stronger.

Day 60s Blog on Day 61 CHEMO DAY #2

Too busy or too gross feeling to blog yesterday.

Started my day with my neighbor, Bonnie Thompson, driving me to Cincinnati for my chemo round #2. I love it how God can use unwanted situations in our lives to provide opportunity for people to get to know each other better.

The chemo went pretty much the same as the first time. Two bags of IV anti-nausea meds, followed by the Adriamycin aka Red Warrior, followed by Cytoxan. My blood work came back good, in fact, excellent (WBC 13! due to the Neulasta), I wasn't looking forward to the Cytoxan as that is the drug that really gave me immediate unwanted side effects like a headache and odd sensations in my nose and eyes that made me just want to hold my face and squeeze my eyes closed until it passed. The 2-3 hour appointment lasted 5 hours, mostly due to things at this facility seeming less efficient and the nurse slowed the Cytoxan down as she administered it, hoping it would be received better.

Afterward, I began feeling better, so I wanted to celebrate and offered to take Bonnie to one of my favorite restaurants, Asian Paradise, to eat one of my favorite meals, a temptation roll and seaweed salad, despite the fact that none of it is on my acceptable diet. We oohed and aaahhed with each bite. Then, God blessed me again as she refused to allow me to pay. (Remembering my friend, Deb Slanaker's sage words of advice to allow people to give and be better at receiving.)

Then upon arriving home, I started slowly getting the headache and flu-like symptoms throughout the evening and they just got worse until I went to bed. Again, I kept questioning whether my stomach was nauseous or hungry. Thankfully, every time I had that sensation, I ate, and indeed felt better. So lots of little meals is the ticket for my chemo recovery days. Sadly, not much sounds good so I find myself eating what sounds good, even if it's not on my strict self-imposed diet.

My first Springboro friend, Susan Muterspaw, came to stay with me in the afternoon and was such a trooper. I had to ask her to do somethings I would never ask of anyone, but I knew I shouldn't. My little 3 year old friend, Zoe Pieniasek, slept over the night before and unfortunately got the tummy flu and vomited while here. So I asked Susan to wash ALL the bedding, scrub the bathroom and wipe the surfaces in the bedroom where she slept. She is one of those friends who will do anything and did not hesitate. Thank you, Jesus, for Susan's servant heart!

Since it's Tuesday, and would normally be my day to coach Special Olympics with John at the Lebanon YMCA, I couldn't go, but Graham and Monica Binder have joined in on the coaching, followed by a sleep over at the Wonderly's! So they came home with John and we all enjoyed fellowship and love of such dear friends that are so willing to serve me. Thank you, again, Jesus, for the pouring out of love that I so badly need right now!

Despite the fact that we had the Red Warrior Head Shaving party the night before, I realized that the length of my hair, while short, was still long enough to poke me as it continued to fall out of my head and get stuck in my clothes, so I asked Graham to take it down more, not ALL the way to the scalp, but as close as possible. So now I look more like an Auschwicz survivor and less like a GI Jane Demi Moore BA. Oh well, it's so temporary until I go bald, it does not matter. The funniest dew rag I have accumulated was last night. I have all these cute turbans and scarves to wear, but when sleeping, I need something satin like that all the little hairs will get in vs on my pillow case and in my bedding. When Monica was helping me fold laundry, I saw a new pair of John's silky, black and gray, camouflage, underwear boxer briefs! The leg hole fit perfectly over my prickly scalp and the other leg and waist band hung behind my head like a nun's habit, so for sleeping, I am Huntress Mother Te-ricia.

Since I got worse and worse feeling, I went straight to bed and had the sweet Monica and Graham tuck me in, pray with and on me, literally, and slept decently. I did wake up with a bit of a headache and starving, so I jumped up and ate breakfast. Now for Day two after chemo. Much rest and nausea management planned for the day and that's about it.

Oh, one of my highlights of last night was when I took a shower after my second shaving. The hot water felt divine so I stood in the shower until all the hot water ran out, raised my arms in the air and sang worship songs of praise to my Lord and Savior, then knelt on the shower floor to pray for all the people God is 'showering' me with through this trial. God is Good, Good, Oh-woah. I love to praise, You, Lord, in the midst of trials as it turns my heart and mind and body to pure worship and off myself.

"I will seek You in the morning, and learn to walk in Your ways, and step by step, You'll lead me, and I will follow You all of my days."

Day 59 FREEDOM on July 4th

I woke up this morning wondering how long until my hair falls out. Of course, I was hoping that with all my nutritional supplements and healthy eating choices for the past several weeks, I just might be that 1 % that does not lose my hair with this specific chemotherapy. So, I looked up online how long until I can expect to see my long brown hair begin exfoliating and most people said between 10-17 days. Today would be day 14 since my first chemo infusion.

As per our normal daily routine, John sweetly washes and conditions my hair every day as we shower. Today was no exception. I will say that my head did feel a little more tender/sensitive than usual, but it's not much different than when I wear a pony tail for a couple days without washing it and my 'hair hurts'. He gently scrubbed and it still felt kinda tender, but then after a minute, it felt good and I did not see anything crazy happening. But, BUT when I did the final rinse of conditioner, I noticed a huge wad of tangled hair at the ends and I immediately knew. This was the beginning of the balding. I wasn't upset, really. I expected it. I am prepared for it. My wig is ordered (for those days I just want hair) and I have some pretty turbans ready to wear, thanks to Janet Busick, Gayle Pluta and Cindy Ashby. These ladies wasted no time getting them to me and boy am I thankful today! Why?  Because tonight is special. Think Braveheart...FREEDOM!

My sweet friend, Liz Pieniasek, who lost her husband, Jordan, to the tragic motorcycle accident on May 1st, offered to shave my head when it was 'time' using Jordo's clippers (as he shaved his head daily).  Well, I knew it was time. I called Liz and she smartly suggested a shaving party. Well, since it's July 4th, a day of celebrating our freedom, I decided to invite some friends for a Red Warrior Shaving Party. So tonight, I will experience freedom from my hair for several months.

I remember a couple weeks ago how God put on my heart that when my head is  bald, it will be exposed and vulnerable...just the way He loves my heart to be toward Him. I will wear my vulnerability and be reminded of how God wants my attitude to be...exposed and vulnerable. This humble visual demonstration needs to be recontextualized from something that could easily upset me to something that God can use to make me more Christ-like.

So, tonight I will no longer have long, dark brown hair. In fact, I may never have brown hair ever again as I understand that hair usually grows in curly and gray. I don't plan on coloring it ever again, so another chapter in life slips by.

Lord please remind me of this verse....

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.

I will admit that while I'm mostly accepting of this, I do have some anxiety. At least I'll have some of my closest friends nearby supporting me.

Before they get here, I think I'll go make love to my lover one last time with long brown hair. 

It's almost midnight now and the Red Warrior Shaving Party is over. Had lots of fun and I did well with it. Heck, I kinda like it! Now please pray for tomorrow. It's #2 chemo day.

Day 58 Don't Google Images About Breast Cancer! Downer Day!

So after such a lovely week of feeling chipper, John and I lazed in bed ALL morning just cuddling and talking. I treasure these moments when I feel well and know I'm so loved just the way I am. I am very thankful that he can hold me in his arms and tell me how much he loves me. We briefly talked about my upcoming lumpectomy that I'll have after chemo. Just out of curiosity, I Googled "Breast Cancer Lumpectomy" and began viewing the multitude of images.  I began to feel sick to my stomach and overwhelmed with sadness and it was just too much to take in. Literally, it depressed me and I couldn't shake it. Tears gently flowed from my eyes as I imagined my body being disfigured by surgery. So my word of strong advice is to NOT look at images on Google when you have a disease! Seeing those pictures of so many women and the mutilation of their beautiful bodies was angering. I hate cancer!

Then I couldn't stand the negative, sadness anymore so I got up, showered, put on one of my pretty new turbans, applied a little make up, and big funky earrings and John and I had a lovely lunch together and I'm feeling better now.

Tonight we have friends coming for dinner, Trace and Deb Slanaker. Deb is a recent leukemia survivor and we have much to talk about, plus she is the most positive cancer survivor I've known, considering she almost died several times with her aggressive treatment. I'm looking forward to their time in my home as we will share a mutual burden, and yet, we both are putting our trust in God for our identity and future hope, regardless of what happens to either of us.

I think the gloomy weather is part of my gloomy feeling today. I think I want sunshine now.

Day 57 Another Amazing Day

If I did not have this plastic port stuck under my skin, I would not even know I was in treatment for cancer!  I feel great, have tons of energy, and feel like my old self. I understand it may be a gift for a short while, but however long it lasts, I'm very thankful!

Tonight we had another Red Door couple over for the first time, Zach and Brittany Thurman. Those are some quality people! Something about this church that attracts the most genuine, interesting, kind-hearted, pleasant people! Again, John and I are so privileged to get to have them in our lives. Of course, John treated us to his master grilling  delicacies with lamb chops and grilled veggies!

I continue to receive so many very lovely cards from patients, friends, and family. Thank you again and again for thinking of me and praying for me!! And so many people have continued to help financially as my work has literally come to a complete halt. I honestly don't know how we are going to make it for a year without me working as a hygienist, but I am learning to trust God in it. He is showing me the kindness of many that I never expected would be reaching out. Again, I pray individually for each person who has blessed us, and I am humbled immensely. Thank you.

I plan on enjoying  each day this weekend until Tuesday at 9 am when I have my next chemotherapy. 

Day 56 all is well so this will be short and sweet

 Yesterday Lynne Albrect kindly gave me hours of her time to help me get some things done around the house. It was great spending time with her. In the evening, I was able to get together with some young ladies  to continue our book study, Rare, A Young Woman Who Fears the Lord. It was great seeing everyone again.  I feel very privileged to be in the company of these mature young ladies who love the Lord so much.

Had a great night sleep and today spent most of the day preparing and cooking food for the upcoming week after my chemo, when I won't feel much like cooking.

 Tonight, John and I enjoyed spending the evening with his granddaughters and swinging at the park with them.

Once again, we are sitting in our gazebo in beautiful candlelight closing out another great day of feeling excellent.

Again, thank you to everyone for your prayers and support in so many ways.