This morning I had some anxiety about the fact that I knew I'd be getting my MRI results. This would tell me if there were more areas of concern in the left breast as well as looking at the right. I assumed the doctor would be calling me with these results, but when I logged in to MyChart online to reply to a message I got, I saw that the results were posted, so I opened the message.
The result states: MRI-BREAST W/WO CON BILATERAL-DETAILS
Impression:
Enhancing mass within the inferior left breast, mid depth, 1.6 x 1.6 x 1.7 cm in size, consistent with history of previously biopsied breast cancer with left axillary adenopathy.
So answer to prayer that there was nothing new found!
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Monday, May 30, 2016
Day 24 Gift from my Daughter
Today I received a gift from my thoughtful daughter, Sarah Jean, and it was a 5 year journal. She said that after 5 years of being diagnosed and not having any more cancer, I can consider myself totally healed from it! She wanted me to journal each day so that on May 30, 2021, I can claim that I am free from the diagnosis of cancer! I look forward to never thinking about it again, and rejoicing in that freedom!
I also had a restful night's sleep last night, thanks to many who prayed, especially my sweet friend, Monica Binder! Thank you for your compassion.
I also had a restful night's sleep last night, thanks to many who prayed, especially my sweet friend, Monica Binder! Thank you for your compassion.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Day 23 Thankful for the Next Two Weeks of Normal
John and I had some dear friends from Red Door Church come by last night for a campfire and we just hung out sharing and laughing and enjoying a beautiful Saturday evening together. We also have had some of our favorite young couples, the Binders, come back for a Wonderly Weekend and spend precious time just doing life together...eating amazing food, having meaningful conversations, enjoying the gazebo magic in our backyard and serving each other in the most real Christian way I've ever experienced. I am such an extrovert, that this time with family and friends fills me up and energizes me. I see how God provides for me in ways I couldn't do myself. I have seen how He takes care of me through others' love and sincerity and humility.
All that said, I am relishing in the normality of it all as I live life the way we typically do, yet in the back of my mind, I know there is a time coming when I will have to meet the oncologist on June 13th and hear what he has to say. Then after that, it appears my next steps will be something that will direct my life very differently for a time. I am thankful that most of the time I am able to process it well and see the gift in 'today'. However, last night I woke up and felt that fear of what is about to happen and was imagining the upcoming surgery and treatment. I felt like the enemy was using my sleep to slip in fear and awaken me...however, God is so good! I woke up John and asked him to hold me. I prayed and fell asleep relatively quickly. When I woke up, that fear was no where to be found. Praise God!
Now John and I are going hiking for the afternoon at Glen Helen, near Yellow Springs. Thank you, Lord for my family and friends who are praying. Bless them and let them know that it's their prayers that are keeping me so positive!
All that said, I am relishing in the normality of it all as I live life the way we typically do, yet in the back of my mind, I know there is a time coming when I will have to meet the oncologist on June 13th and hear what he has to say. Then after that, it appears my next steps will be something that will direct my life very differently for a time. I am thankful that most of the time I am able to process it well and see the gift in 'today'. However, last night I woke up and felt that fear of what is about to happen and was imagining the upcoming surgery and treatment. I felt like the enemy was using my sleep to slip in fear and awaken me...however, God is so good! I woke up John and asked him to hold me. I prayed and fell asleep relatively quickly. When I woke up, that fear was no where to be found. Praise God!
Now John and I are going hiking for the afternoon at Glen Helen, near Yellow Springs. Thank you, Lord for my family and friends who are praying. Bless them and let them know that it's their prayers that are keeping me so positive!
Friday, May 27, 2016
Day 21 MRI was a breeze!
My MRI was much easier than I expected. Absolutely no anxiety...thanks to prayer, being faced down in the machine, and Valium. Actually, I don't think I even needed the Valium, but it did give me a nice nap on the drive down to the facility. A friend from church, Lynne Albrecht, who understands what I'm going through, as she is a breast cancer survivor, willingly drove me there since I was drugged.
I will have results from the MRI no later than Tuesday. It will tell me if there are any other areas of cancer in my left breast and even check the right one, just to be sure.
Then it's a waiting game until June 13th when I meet with the oncologists and get the oncotype results to know if I'm a candidate for chemo or not. So between now and then, I choose joy.
It's funny how during the day, I mostly just feel like myself, yet at night, I sometimes wake up feeling a bit paralyzed by fear of the reality of what I am really about to go through in the upcoming months. It's a physical gripping of fear that I need to pray through until I fall asleep. Thankfully, it does not last long and if I cuddle next to John, I am comforted. My longest best friend, Kathleen Pippen, sagely reminded me not to get ahead of my diagnosis. Good words that I think of often to calm me.
So now I am going to live life normally with bonfires, friends, laughter, fellowship, and enjoying the gift of feeling well.
I probably won't blog again until I know more information about the whole cancer process, so don't be surprised if things are quiet for a week or two.
That does not mean stop praying. :)
I will have results from the MRI no later than Tuesday. It will tell me if there are any other areas of cancer in my left breast and even check the right one, just to be sure.
Then it's a waiting game until June 13th when I meet with the oncologists and get the oncotype results to know if I'm a candidate for chemo or not. So between now and then, I choose joy.
It's funny how during the day, I mostly just feel like myself, yet at night, I sometimes wake up feeling a bit paralyzed by fear of the reality of what I am really about to go through in the upcoming months. It's a physical gripping of fear that I need to pray through until I fall asleep. Thankfully, it does not last long and if I cuddle next to John, I am comforted. My longest best friend, Kathleen Pippen, sagely reminded me not to get ahead of my diagnosis. Good words that I think of often to calm me.
So now I am going to live life normally with bonfires, friends, laughter, fellowship, and enjoying the gift of feeling well.
I probably won't blog again until I know more information about the whole cancer process, so don't be surprised if things are quiet for a week or two.
That does not mean stop praying. :)
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Day 20 Morning Thoughts
I wanted to share three quotes that friends have said about me or to me this week that have been very touching, encouraging, and helpful.
Reese Binder, my sweet, gentle young friend who recently released her own blog on her healing journey through grieving and anxiety:
(in referring to me) "One of my other dear friends, a kind of spiritual mother to me was diagnosed with breast cancer..."
Arun Lai, my Ghandi-like friend & financial advisor:
"Joy shared is doubled, Sorrow shared is halved."
Liz Pieniasek, my sister-like friend who recently lost her husband:
"The sadness hits in waves like contractions in childbirth. It's best to just ride the wave and not fight it because you know that eventually, it will come to an end."
I am so blessed to have so many people come alongside me in prayer, offer comfort, and are willing to help any way I need. I am convinced I am doing so well because all of you are praying. I can't thank you enough! Every day I collect more prayer warriors...Genine F. and Pie's/Pints Callie...thank you for your hugs and love yesterday. It was very good to see your faces and feel your embrace.
Also, on a medical note, I remembered I have a patient whom is a radiation oncologist that I have been treating for a few years as his hygienist. I took the liberty to call him last night and shared with him all that has been going on. He gave me some excellent advice and confirmed my choices in doctors. He said that Dr. Manders would be the breast surgeon he would have his own wife see if she had breast cancer. He also personally knows Dr. Cody and said he is one of the top medical oncologists in Cincinnati. Then he suggested I have a very specific conversation with my oncologist about the drugs they may choose if I need chemo because one of the common drugs, Taxol, may cause permanent loss of sensation in finger tips and toes. Since I'm a hygienist, that could mean loss of my career! He obviously was very sorry to hear that I was going through this and said, "It's a long journey, but you can get through it." He also totally sympathized with my loss of vacations this year into the wilderness, as he is an avid outdoor/wilderness lover as well. He suggested I consider a 'tamer' vacation this year so I could be closer to a medical facility should I need one.
I started thinking...maybe I could have my chemo medications sent with me and just take them on my trip to Jackson, Wyoming and deal with a day of yuck, but at least I'd be in the mountains with friends but close to a hospital, should I need one! Who knows, maybe, if a miracle happens, I could still even be released to go to Quetico, but instead of staying in the wilderness, I could stay at Zup's Outfitters Lodge, which is only an hour or so from a medical facility via float plane? I'm not giving up until I have to!
Reese Binder, my sweet, gentle young friend who recently released her own blog on her healing journey through grieving and anxiety:
(in referring to me) "One of my other dear friends, a kind of spiritual mother to me was diagnosed with breast cancer..."
Arun Lai, my Ghandi-like friend & financial advisor:
"Joy shared is doubled, Sorrow shared is halved."
Liz Pieniasek, my sister-like friend who recently lost her husband:
"The sadness hits in waves like contractions in childbirth. It's best to just ride the wave and not fight it because you know that eventually, it will come to an end."
I am so blessed to have so many people come alongside me in prayer, offer comfort, and are willing to help any way I need. I am convinced I am doing so well because all of you are praying. I can't thank you enough! Every day I collect more prayer warriors...Genine F. and Pie's/Pints Callie...thank you for your hugs and love yesterday. It was very good to see your faces and feel your embrace.
Also, on a medical note, I remembered I have a patient whom is a radiation oncologist that I have been treating for a few years as his hygienist. I took the liberty to call him last night and shared with him all that has been going on. He gave me some excellent advice and confirmed my choices in doctors. He said that Dr. Manders would be the breast surgeon he would have his own wife see if she had breast cancer. He also personally knows Dr. Cody and said he is one of the top medical oncologists in Cincinnati. Then he suggested I have a very specific conversation with my oncologist about the drugs they may choose if I need chemo because one of the common drugs, Taxol, may cause permanent loss of sensation in finger tips and toes. Since I'm a hygienist, that could mean loss of my career! He obviously was very sorry to hear that I was going through this and said, "It's a long journey, but you can get through it." He also totally sympathized with my loss of vacations this year into the wilderness, as he is an avid outdoor/wilderness lover as well. He suggested I consider a 'tamer' vacation this year so I could be closer to a medical facility should I need one.
I started thinking...maybe I could have my chemo medications sent with me and just take them on my trip to Jackson, Wyoming and deal with a day of yuck, but at least I'd be in the mountains with friends but close to a hospital, should I need one! Who knows, maybe, if a miracle happens, I could still even be released to go to Quetico, but instead of staying in the wilderness, I could stay at Zup's Outfitters Lodge, which is only an hour or so from a medical facility via float plane? I'm not giving up until I have to!
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Day 19 Making Lots of Appointments
Today I scheduled 2 appointments with medical oncologists. One with Dr. Robert Cody, who works at Christ Hospital with Dr. Manders and the second opinion one with Dr. Darnell, who works at OHC. I tried a couple other med oncs with that OHC group but they cannot see me until a week or more later and I don't want to wait any longer than I have to since my first biopsy was May 6th. I am scheduled with them both on June 13th, which is great to have a first and second opinion appt right after the other because it will all be so fresh on my mind.
Since I am waiting for the oncotype results, I need to wait this long to see the oncologists to know if chemo is going to be beneficial for me or not. Oncotype gives a number between 1-100 and depending on the number I get from my tissue samples, I will know if my cells will respond to chemo well or not. If it is a high number, it's chemo first; if it's a low number, surgery first.
I also scheduled an appointment with Dr. Schneider, an orthopedic doctor, to evaluate my torn rotator cuff. My surgeon is concerned about all this being on my left side and how easily she can or cannot manipulate my shoulder during surgery if it's in such pain. That appointment is next week to discuss options.
I called to my nurse navigator, Vicki Estridge, today and she was very helpful in answering all my 5000 questions. She agreed that it's ok to have a second opinion for an oncologist. She calmed my nerves when I told her that the lump in my left breast that I could not feel before is now larger and very noticeable. She thinks it's a hematoma from the biopsy and to ice it. She also suggested I contact my gynecologist to ask about screening my ovaries, if I am concerned. She also suggested a support group that can help with stress relief which I definitely need; and activities to help me be distracted...which I don't really need. Between working full-time, calling doctors, learning about this whole treatment and disease process, spending time with friends and especially John, having my sweet daughter home to recover from shoulder surgery, and just being who I am, I don't need extra distractions.
So thankful for my sister, Karen, whom I call often to bounce things off of...she is my greatest help right now in talking things through with, whether it be me telling her I'm scared and feeling weepy or want to know how to proceed with a doctor or how to handle a nurse who says something that ruffled my feathers...she's there to listen, encourage, and offer a good word!
I am also so thankful for people like Ruth Ann Pinnick who called me out of the blue and offered to come to my house and give me a free massage to help me. Ruth Ann is my pastor's sister, a massage therapist, and someone I've only met a handful of times, but when the Lord puts people on her heart, she responds and I am so thankful. My neck muscles have been feeling strained and achy for 2 weeks now and I think it's where all my stress is settling. So, YES! I will take her up on that.
Heading home now to spend the evening with my daughter and husband. I have tomorrow totally off! Friday my friend, Lynne Albrecht, is taking me to my MRI appt so John can keep working. Hopefully this weekend will be a normal, non-medical, happy, family holiday...I am told that what's next is going to be very difficult, so I will be appreciating every moment with those I love.
Since I am waiting for the oncotype results, I need to wait this long to see the oncologists to know if chemo is going to be beneficial for me or not. Oncotype gives a number between 1-100 and depending on the number I get from my tissue samples, I will know if my cells will respond to chemo well or not. If it is a high number, it's chemo first; if it's a low number, surgery first.
I also scheduled an appointment with Dr. Schneider, an orthopedic doctor, to evaluate my torn rotator cuff. My surgeon is concerned about all this being on my left side and how easily she can or cannot manipulate my shoulder during surgery if it's in such pain. That appointment is next week to discuss options.
I called to my nurse navigator, Vicki Estridge, today and she was very helpful in answering all my 5000 questions. She agreed that it's ok to have a second opinion for an oncologist. She calmed my nerves when I told her that the lump in my left breast that I could not feel before is now larger and very noticeable. She thinks it's a hematoma from the biopsy and to ice it. She also suggested I contact my gynecologist to ask about screening my ovaries, if I am concerned. She also suggested a support group that can help with stress relief which I definitely need; and activities to help me be distracted...which I don't really need. Between working full-time, calling doctors, learning about this whole treatment and disease process, spending time with friends and especially John, having my sweet daughter home to recover from shoulder surgery, and just being who I am, I don't need extra distractions.
So thankful for my sister, Karen, whom I call often to bounce things off of...she is my greatest help right now in talking things through with, whether it be me telling her I'm scared and feeling weepy or want to know how to proceed with a doctor or how to handle a nurse who says something that ruffled my feathers...she's there to listen, encourage, and offer a good word!
I am also so thankful for people like Ruth Ann Pinnick who called me out of the blue and offered to come to my house and give me a free massage to help me. Ruth Ann is my pastor's sister, a massage therapist, and someone I've only met a handful of times, but when the Lord puts people on her heart, she responds and I am so thankful. My neck muscles have been feeling strained and achy for 2 weeks now and I think it's where all my stress is settling. So, YES! I will take her up on that.
Heading home now to spend the evening with my daughter and husband. I have tomorrow totally off! Friday my friend, Lynne Albrecht, is taking me to my MRI appt so John can keep working. Hopefully this weekend will be a normal, non-medical, happy, family holiday...I am told that what's next is going to be very difficult, so I will be appreciating every moment with those I love.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Day 18 I had a great day!
I'm so thankful for everyone's prayers as today felt like a totally normal day and my spirits were really positive! I didn't feel like there was a shadow looming over me at all. It was great to have a normal routine at work and coaching Special Olympics for hockey afterwards with John with all our very special people.
I'm just waiting now for Friday when I'll have my MRI.
One of my prayer warriors shared a quote that was very sweet and meaningful: "joy shared is doubled, sorrows shared is halved."
I'm just waiting now for Friday when I'll have my MRI.
One of my prayer warriors shared a quote that was very sweet and meaningful: "joy shared is doubled, sorrows shared is halved."
Monday, May 23, 2016
Day 17 My Team Has Been Decided On...answered prayer
Today I had my third and final consult to decide on a breast surgeon. I have selected seeing Dr. Jennifer Manders with Christ Hospital. Thank God for the clarity on that answered prayer!
She was very detailed for me. She took time to give a hand-written description of healthy breast anatomy and what happened with mine. She discussed my options, explained the next steps, and also knew first hand about patients she has seen that decided to take the alternative route that I referred to in yesterday's blog and shared that she has seen women go from a very treatable stage 2 to terminal stage 4 because they chose the alternative therapy. She knew more about it than I did and after talking to her, I did feel like I could trust her as a surgeon and advocate. When we discussed complete lymph node dissection and how I might need that at some point, she said she has done THOUSANDS of them! That's way better than 4 or 5 that the first surgeon has done!
I canceled all the other appointments for this week I had scheduled since they were associated with the second doctor. Since I will be working with Dr. Manders' doctors at Christ, I prefer to keep it in the system. Therefore I now have my MRI scheduled for Friday at 1:00.
I learned that we are waiting for my oncotype results to come in before we know more specifically about chemotherapy, but I will meet with an oncologist, Dr. Robert Cody, to discuss what therapy is best. So it looks like chemo is Dr. Manders' first line of treatment in order to treat the 2 positive lymph nodes already found. The hope is that the chemo will turn any positive nodes to negative. We then will do surgery after chemo. Surgery will depend on how lymph nodes respond to chemo and genetic testing results.
When I asked her about waiting til August to treat so I can at least go to Jackson, WY, she said it would not be in my best interest to wait since cancerous cells can travel through lymph and blood vessels and my chances of survival are better if we treat sooner than later. So no vacations for me on my John Wonderly Wilderness Adventures we look so forward to every year. I was eagerly looking forward to my 50th birthday being the most romantic get away with him in my heaven-on-earth favorite place, Quetico. The loons on Lake Wicksteed will have to sing without me hearing them this year. Looks like I'll probably be bald and nauseous on my 50th...how disappointing.
There are still so many unknowns as I move forward in all this chaos. I want to blink and have it be all over, or just a bad dream. It is still very surreal as I sit here in my normal setting, with my hair in my head, and feeling totally normal. I cannot believe all that is happening. I'm probably getting a little mad at all this right now! And I haven't even dealt with the need for my shoulder surgery yet which needs to be factored in too! Thank God I have long term disability insurance to help out in 3 months. Arun Lai, you have been a faithful advisor. Thank you!
It's now the end of my day at work and I have begun to absorb the reality of what is about to happen. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of it all. Thankfully, my last patient was a friend, a brother in the Lord and a compassionate man whom I know will continue to lift me up in prayer. My friend and co-worker, Holly T., sat with me and was just present with me as I processed more. I don't think I can say enough how surreal this whole ordeal is as if it's not really happening to ME. My heart breaks for my husband and children as they will have to deal with a wife and mom that is undergoing so much. God, please help us all. Show me the way and let me know my purpose in all of this.
She was very detailed for me. She took time to give a hand-written description of healthy breast anatomy and what happened with mine. She discussed my options, explained the next steps, and also knew first hand about patients she has seen that decided to take the alternative route that I referred to in yesterday's blog and shared that she has seen women go from a very treatable stage 2 to terminal stage 4 because they chose the alternative therapy. She knew more about it than I did and after talking to her, I did feel like I could trust her as a surgeon and advocate. When we discussed complete lymph node dissection and how I might need that at some point, she said she has done THOUSANDS of them! That's way better than 4 or 5 that the first surgeon has done!
I canceled all the other appointments for this week I had scheduled since they were associated with the second doctor. Since I will be working with Dr. Manders' doctors at Christ, I prefer to keep it in the system. Therefore I now have my MRI scheduled for Friday at 1:00.
I learned that we are waiting for my oncotype results to come in before we know more specifically about chemotherapy, but I will meet with an oncologist, Dr. Robert Cody, to discuss what therapy is best. So it looks like chemo is Dr. Manders' first line of treatment in order to treat the 2 positive lymph nodes already found. The hope is that the chemo will turn any positive nodes to negative. We then will do surgery after chemo. Surgery will depend on how lymph nodes respond to chemo and genetic testing results.
When I asked her about waiting til August to treat so I can at least go to Jackson, WY, she said it would not be in my best interest to wait since cancerous cells can travel through lymph and blood vessels and my chances of survival are better if we treat sooner than later. So no vacations for me on my John Wonderly Wilderness Adventures we look so forward to every year. I was eagerly looking forward to my 50th birthday being the most romantic get away with him in my heaven-on-earth favorite place, Quetico. The loons on Lake Wicksteed will have to sing without me hearing them this year. Looks like I'll probably be bald and nauseous on my 50th...how disappointing.
There are still so many unknowns as I move forward in all this chaos. I want to blink and have it be all over, or just a bad dream. It is still very surreal as I sit here in my normal setting, with my hair in my head, and feeling totally normal. I cannot believe all that is happening. I'm probably getting a little mad at all this right now! And I haven't even dealt with the need for my shoulder surgery yet which needs to be factored in too! Thank God I have long term disability insurance to help out in 3 months. Arun Lai, you have been a faithful advisor. Thank you!
It's now the end of my day at work and I have begun to absorb the reality of what is about to happen. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of it all. Thankfully, my last patient was a friend, a brother in the Lord and a compassionate man whom I know will continue to lift me up in prayer. My friend and co-worker, Holly T., sat with me and was just present with me as I processed more. I don't think I can say enough how surreal this whole ordeal is as if it's not really happening to ME. My heart breaks for my husband and children as they will have to deal with a wife and mom that is undergoing so much. God, please help us all. Show me the way and let me know my purpose in all of this.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Day 16 Need Prayer for Direction
Between my upcoming 6 doctor appointments this week, John's cardiology appointments for a stress test and EKG to find out why he has high blood pressure (160/96), Sarah' staying with us for at least a week during her painful recovery of her shoulder surgery, Liz' continued grieving over the loss of Jordan, and now a dear friend, Deb S., who is finally in remission from leukemia who was admitted to ICU this weekend due to other medical complications...all I can say is "Come Lord, Jesus!"
In addition to all the traditional medicine treatment therapies being discussed and recommended, my dear friend hooked me up with an online 18 hour course on the Truth about Cancer and how alternative therapies are much more successful vs. chemo/radiation/surgery modality. I just started watching and it certainly has my interest piqued. Prayer for truth and wisdom for the best treatment, please.
I have appreciated so many whom have prayed with and for me recently and even today. Thank you!
In addition to all the traditional medicine treatment therapies being discussed and recommended, my dear friend hooked me up with an online 18 hour course on the Truth about Cancer and how alternative therapies are much more successful vs. chemo/radiation/surgery modality. I just started watching and it certainly has my interest piqued. Prayer for truth and wisdom for the best treatment, please.
I have appreciated so many whom have prayed with and for me recently and even today. Thank you!
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Day 15 Not Much to Report...Just A Normal Journal
Nothing really to say about my diagnosis or treatment. It was not a normal day in that Sarah is here as she heals from her shoulder surgery, so we are enjoying time with her and Connor. Also, we had a birthday party for Lily Mae Pieniasek. She is the daughter of Jordan and Liz whom I referred to in earlier blogs. It was a nice day to see my Red Door friends and celebrate a little lady who has captured so many people's hearts.
I do have a friend who has shared lots of information with me about a Dr. Axe who has helped his mother heal from cancer without chemo or radiation and has a radical alternative method to do it. She also wants me to consider going to a homeopathic clinic in Mexico where people are getting healed from cancer in a very non-traditional way. She would love me to trust that and not have to undergo such extreme treatments as traditional docs recommend. I wish I knew it was true that it could do that kind of miracle reversal of cancer. Unfortunately, I can't say I trust it completely to heal a person. That being said, I am not opposed to homeopathy and I have already made radical changes in my lifestyle choices. Since May 10th, I have gone exclusively to an organic paleo diet. That means no sugar, no grains, no alcohol, no dairy diet. It's not cheap to eat this way, but I must admit, it feels good to be so decisive in this because I know I'm only putting healthy, cell-building foods in my body. I am also taking measures to not put unnecessary chemicals in my body or on my skin so I'm not going to color my hair any more, not going to wear make-up or deodorant. It's crazy to some, but seems like the only logical thing to someone who wants to heal from cancer.
Looking forward to church tomorrow with my Red Door family. I love being around those people. It's the best church family I've ever known. I wish everyone could feel loved and cared for the way this community has demonstrated to me in the past 5 years.
I don't really feel like all this is real. It's like it's happening to someone I know and I'm just getting information for them. I guess that will all change once I start treatment. For now, I appreciate every person, every day and the little things that I might not have once life gets more intense with all the treatments.
I do have a friend who has shared lots of information with me about a Dr. Axe who has helped his mother heal from cancer without chemo or radiation and has a radical alternative method to do it. She also wants me to consider going to a homeopathic clinic in Mexico where people are getting healed from cancer in a very non-traditional way. She would love me to trust that and not have to undergo such extreme treatments as traditional docs recommend. I wish I knew it was true that it could do that kind of miracle reversal of cancer. Unfortunately, I can't say I trust it completely to heal a person. That being said, I am not opposed to homeopathy and I have already made radical changes in my lifestyle choices. Since May 10th, I have gone exclusively to an organic paleo diet. That means no sugar, no grains, no alcohol, no dairy diet. It's not cheap to eat this way, but I must admit, it feels good to be so decisive in this because I know I'm only putting healthy, cell-building foods in my body. I am also taking measures to not put unnecessary chemicals in my body or on my skin so I'm not going to color my hair any more, not going to wear make-up or deodorant. It's crazy to some, but seems like the only logical thing to someone who wants to heal from cancer.
Looking forward to church tomorrow with my Red Door family. I love being around those people. It's the best church family I've ever known. I wish everyone could feel loved and cared for the way this community has demonstrated to me in the past 5 years.
I don't really feel like all this is real. It's like it's happening to someone I know and I'm just getting information for them. I guess that will all change once I start treatment. For now, I appreciate every person, every day and the little things that I might not have once life gets more intense with all the treatments.
Friday, May 20, 2016
Day 14 It's Like Putting Together a Puzzle
Today started out early at UC West Chester Physician's Office with the first second opinion. I met Dr. Jamie Lewis and really liked her. She is very knowledgeable and professional. She is closer to my house than Mercy Hospital and even Christ Hospital. After an hour meeting with her, I know I am comfortable with her at this point. I will still have the third opinion on Monday morning to see if that treatment recommendation is the same or different.
Basically, she explained her recommendation of performing a lumpectomy and complete lymph dissection as the standard of care based on my results, but walked through my concerns and gave me options if I'd be a candidate for other ways of managing my care as well. That being said, I will follow through with all her team and discuss options with a medical oncologist, radiologist, plastic surgeon, and have a second appointment with Dr. Lewis again to discuss all of what those docs think. I'll also have an MRI. Next week I now have those 5 appointments plus my third breast surgeon opinion. I pray all the puzzle pieces fall into place so I know what I am going to do for my treatment.
Next, I went to Children's Hospital and had a 1 hour meeting with a genetic counselor. Kim Lewis was quite learned in that area and we went through what looked like a family tree of who in my family had boys and girls starting with my biological grandparents, parents, and kids. Come to find out, my great aunt had breast cancer on my Dad's side. What I learned was that the BRCA1/2 gene can be linked not only to breast cancer, but ovarian and prostate cancer, too. So when I explained that my dad had prostate and his aunt had breast cancer, I'm actually slightly more at risk for being positive for it and therefore, qualified to have testing. IF I am positive, I will be recommended to not only have a double mastectomy, but have my ovaries removed as well since ovarian cancer typically is not discovered until stage 4.
I was also informed that if I am positive, my kids and sisters and possibly even my Dad could be tested for BRAC 1/2 and other genes that lead to breast, ovarian, and prostate cancer. The biggest problem with them getting tested before being diagnosed, is that once they get tested, if they, too, are positive, they now have big choices to make medically. Also the counselor told me that once that happens, they can never get long-term, short-term or life insurance. if they don't already have it. If they aren't already signed up, they are basically considered having a diagnosis of cancer even if it's just a positive BRCA 1/2 test result.
So lots to think about. Sounds like chemo is sounding more and more like much more of a reality than I wanted to believe, but there is still hope.
My dream of going on my vacations is looking less and less likely. I know it's crazy that going to Quetico is so important to me that I'd work my treatment around it, if possible, but it just does. Today I had an idea that perhaps we need to just go now, before I start anything. If I have to wait 2-4 weeks for genetic testing anyway, we should just and enjoy the moment before surgery, chemo, or radiation even begins! My sweet boss told me that he would totally support that if it's what I wanted to do! Love that guy! I actually cried when he didn't even hesitate because it's just that important to me and I think he realizes it. So now John and I are talking about it, but reality is, it costs big bucks and we may need to save those big bucks for all our treatment and loss of the inevitable loss of income we will experience once my treatment begins. Ugh. Lord, please direct us. You know my heart in this.
Basically, she explained her recommendation of performing a lumpectomy and complete lymph dissection as the standard of care based on my results, but walked through my concerns and gave me options if I'd be a candidate for other ways of managing my care as well. That being said, I will follow through with all her team and discuss options with a medical oncologist, radiologist, plastic surgeon, and have a second appointment with Dr. Lewis again to discuss all of what those docs think. I'll also have an MRI. Next week I now have those 5 appointments plus my third breast surgeon opinion. I pray all the puzzle pieces fall into place so I know what I am going to do for my treatment.
Next, I went to Children's Hospital and had a 1 hour meeting with a genetic counselor. Kim Lewis was quite learned in that area and we went through what looked like a family tree of who in my family had boys and girls starting with my biological grandparents, parents, and kids. Come to find out, my great aunt had breast cancer on my Dad's side. What I learned was that the BRCA1/2 gene can be linked not only to breast cancer, but ovarian and prostate cancer, too. So when I explained that my dad had prostate and his aunt had breast cancer, I'm actually slightly more at risk for being positive for it and therefore, qualified to have testing. IF I am positive, I will be recommended to not only have a double mastectomy, but have my ovaries removed as well since ovarian cancer typically is not discovered until stage 4.
I was also informed that if I am positive, my kids and sisters and possibly even my Dad could be tested for BRAC 1/2 and other genes that lead to breast, ovarian, and prostate cancer. The biggest problem with them getting tested before being diagnosed, is that once they get tested, if they, too, are positive, they now have big choices to make medically. Also the counselor told me that once that happens, they can never get long-term, short-term or life insurance. if they don't already have it. If they aren't already signed up, they are basically considered having a diagnosis of cancer even if it's just a positive BRCA 1/2 test result.
So lots to think about. Sounds like chemo is sounding more and more like much more of a reality than I wanted to believe, but there is still hope.
My dream of going on my vacations is looking less and less likely. I know it's crazy that going to Quetico is so important to me that I'd work my treatment around it, if possible, but it just does. Today I had an idea that perhaps we need to just go now, before I start anything. If I have to wait 2-4 weeks for genetic testing anyway, we should just and enjoy the moment before surgery, chemo, or radiation even begins! My sweet boss told me that he would totally support that if it's what I wanted to do! Love that guy! I actually cried when he didn't even hesitate because it's just that important to me and I think he realizes it. So now John and I are talking about it, but reality is, it costs big bucks and we may need to save those big bucks for all our treatment and loss of the inevitable loss of income we will experience once my treatment begins. Ugh. Lord, please direct us. You know my heart in this.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Day 13 Feeling Normal Today, Despite So Much Change
So, not much to report from a breast cancer perspective. I'm just waiting for Friday when I meet with the first of two breast surgeons for a second opinion and then have genetic testing done at Children's Hospital, then meet the first of probably a couple medical oncologists.
I did not even go home last night after work because I spent the night with my little circle of closest friends here in Cincy. Liz Pieniasek, my sweet friend who lost her husband, Jordan, in a fatal motorcycle accident 3 weeks ago, and Brooklyn and Daniel Mesward who are moving back to Colorado this morning. It is crazy that this close-knit circle of friends has dealt with a high-risk pregnancy, two newborns, death of a husband/father/friend, loss of a job, move to another state and cancer all in a few months. Yet we all say, God is good and we pray for peace and understanding.
On top of that, my daughter is having shoulder surgery right now and will be staying with me for a while during healing. So thankful for that closeness to her.
I want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who whispers a prayer for me. My heart is full and I am encouraged.
Thanks to Kim C., I will also check with Columbus' best cancer center, The James, for another opinion. Good idea, Kim! That way I can even meet Dr. Julia White, the radiology oncologist my sister, Karen, knows and brags about so highly!
I did not even go home last night after work because I spent the night with my little circle of closest friends here in Cincy. Liz Pieniasek, my sweet friend who lost her husband, Jordan, in a fatal motorcycle accident 3 weeks ago, and Brooklyn and Daniel Mesward who are moving back to Colorado this morning. It is crazy that this close-knit circle of friends has dealt with a high-risk pregnancy, two newborns, death of a husband/father/friend, loss of a job, move to another state and cancer all in a few months. Yet we all say, God is good and we pray for peace and understanding.
On top of that, my daughter is having shoulder surgery right now and will be staying with me for a while during healing. So thankful for that closeness to her.
I want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who whispers a prayer for me. My heart is full and I am encouraged.
Thanks to Kim C., I will also check with Columbus' best cancer center, The James, for another opinion. Good idea, Kim! That way I can even meet Dr. Julia White, the radiology oncologist my sister, Karen, knows and brags about so highly!
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Day 12 Rest for the Prayed For
Michael K., you shared with me God's word yesterday and so many prayed for me and God heard you! Last night I laid my head down on my pillow, fell asleep, and did not toss, turn, worry, awaken, yip (it's a family thing), even for a minute until it was time to wake up for work. Best night sleep I can remember in, literally, months!
Psalm 127:2
In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat- for he grants sleep to those he loves.
Also, I took John's BP this morning and it was the lowest it's been in 3 months since I started measuring it. Normally it was 160/98! Today it was 120/76! The meds are working and I'm so thankful! Another answered prayer! God is good no matter what happens.
Psalm 127:2
In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat- for he grants sleep to those he loves.
Also, I took John's BP this morning and it was the lowest it's been in 3 months since I started measuring it. Normally it was 160/98! Today it was 120/76! The meds are working and I'm so thankful! Another answered prayer! God is good no matter what happens.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Day 11 - Results of Lymph Node Biopsy from Dr. Palmer
So praise God, I have been in an excellent frame of mind all day. I feel like myself and not teary or sad despite the news of a positive lymph diagnosis yesterday. Dr. Palmer eventually got a hold of me and explained her plan in a one hour phone conversation.
Basically, she ordered genetic testing which I'm having at done at Children's Hospital on Friday, May 20th. The results may take 2-6 weeks to get in depending on what genetic tests are done. If they are negative, we proceed with lumpectomy. If they are positive, it is best to do a double mastectomy. She prefer we wait to schedule my surgery until after those tests are in, so the June 1 surgery is cancelled.
Next she says we will press on with the lumpectomy if genetic is negative, but the sentinel lymph node test is no longer how she wants to manage the axillary area. She now believes it's best to just go ahead with a complete lymph node dissection of all my lymph nodes on the left side under my arm. The pathology results of each node (there can be up to 25), will determine if I need chemotherapy, followed by radiation. If I don't need chemo, then just surgery and radiation.
She answered my question of how many complete lymph node dissections she has done and she said that this year she has done 4-5! That's it!! AND, she has only worked on her own, post fellowship, for 6 months, so at most, she has only done 5-6 on her own. If I ever thought for a minute I'd let her do my surgery, that changed the second she told me that.
My sister, Karen, believes we need to really ask the other breast surgeons their idea on this because just removing all the lymph nodes, puts me at much greater risk of lympedema, and potentially not being able to work as a hygienist or do many activities I love, like kayak, soak in a hot tub, take really hot showers and carry our camping gear backpacks! She thinks there is still a chance I could have them do a sentinel node biopsy and see what shows up positive, then just remove those and radiate the tissue to get any microscopic cells not detected with MRI or sentinel node biopsies. There is still hope that all the tests were false positive and once they get in and remove the tumor in my breast and the sentinel nodes, THEN and only then will they truly know it's pathology and what to do next.
The best part of my talk with Dr. Palmer was knowing that there is still hope that I can schedule my surgery at the end of June, heal from it, and still go on vacation in the end of July. There is still hope that if I don't need chemo, but just radiation, that I can possibly still go on our annual wilderness camping trip to Quetico because I can complete radiation in August.
Friday I will meet the first of two breast surgeons, so I'm hoping and praying for a promising treatment plan from her, Dr. Jamie Lewis.
Now heading to bed since I've been up since 2 a.m. Some sweet friend reminded me of how the Lord grants sleep to those whom He loves.
Good night and keep praying for no chemo, and a miracle healing, and John's health with the stress of it all, and my wisdom in choosing my doctors.
Basically, she ordered genetic testing which I'm having at done at Children's Hospital on Friday, May 20th. The results may take 2-6 weeks to get in depending on what genetic tests are done. If they are negative, we proceed with lumpectomy. If they are positive, it is best to do a double mastectomy. She prefer we wait to schedule my surgery until after those tests are in, so the June 1 surgery is cancelled.
Next she says we will press on with the lumpectomy if genetic is negative, but the sentinel lymph node test is no longer how she wants to manage the axillary area. She now believes it's best to just go ahead with a complete lymph node dissection of all my lymph nodes on the left side under my arm. The pathology results of each node (there can be up to 25), will determine if I need chemotherapy, followed by radiation. If I don't need chemo, then just surgery and radiation.
She answered my question of how many complete lymph node dissections she has done and she said that this year she has done 4-5! That's it!! AND, she has only worked on her own, post fellowship, for 6 months, so at most, she has only done 5-6 on her own. If I ever thought for a minute I'd let her do my surgery, that changed the second she told me that.
My sister, Karen, believes we need to really ask the other breast surgeons their idea on this because just removing all the lymph nodes, puts me at much greater risk of lympedema, and potentially not being able to work as a hygienist or do many activities I love, like kayak, soak in a hot tub, take really hot showers and carry our camping gear backpacks! She thinks there is still a chance I could have them do a sentinel node biopsy and see what shows up positive, then just remove those and radiate the tissue to get any microscopic cells not detected with MRI or sentinel node biopsies. There is still hope that all the tests were false positive and once they get in and remove the tumor in my breast and the sentinel nodes, THEN and only then will they truly know it's pathology and what to do next.
The best part of my talk with Dr. Palmer was knowing that there is still hope that I can schedule my surgery at the end of June, heal from it, and still go on vacation in the end of July. There is still hope that if I don't need chemo, but just radiation, that I can possibly still go on our annual wilderness camping trip to Quetico because I can complete radiation in August.
Friday I will meet the first of two breast surgeons, so I'm hoping and praying for a promising treatment plan from her, Dr. Jamie Lewis.
Now heading to bed since I've been up since 2 a.m. Some sweet friend reminded me of how the Lord grants sleep to those whom He loves.
Good night and keep praying for no chemo, and a miracle healing, and John's health with the stress of it all, and my wisdom in choosing my doctors.
Day 11 No Rest for the Restless
6 a.m. now...Tossed and turned all night! Between my mind racing about all the things I need to do from calling insurance to see if 2nd opinion doctors are in network to remembering to download my patient-from-yesterday's photos to calling one of my dearest friends who is moving to Colorado today to icing my sore shoulder to praying continuously...I have been up since 2 a.m.
This morning Dr. Palmer should call me and give me more details about the lymph biopsy.
This morning Dr. Palmer should call me and give me more details about the lymph biopsy.
Monday, May 16, 2016
Day 10 Good News, Bad News, Not All the News Yet
So I functioned pretty normally today at work. I wasn't going to answer my phone if Dr. Palmer called me before I was done seeing patients anyway, so I knew I would not know anything until 5 pm.
I did get a call from her nurse, Danielle, however she just needed my breast cancer gene test results I got from work, since we do that at the dental office now! Thankfully, mine are negative! If they were positive, a double mastectomy would likely be recommended! I told her I was waiting for my results from Dr. Palmer and she informed me that she was out of town today but she texted her and let her know that I was waiting.
Ten minutes later, the same nurse called me back and said the Dr. Palmer said she could call me and let me know that Dr. Palmer would call me in the morning to go over the result details, but that I needed to at least know that the HER2 was NEGATIVE!!! That's my good news!
Unfortunately, the lymph node testing came back as POSITIVE!!! That's my bad news!
I hung up and since I was already driving home, I just kept telling myself outloud, "It's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok." I felt shock and disbelief.
I called John and sobbed. I dreaded giving my sweet man this news! Tears flowed freely while I tried focusing on the road as I drove home. I called my mom next, and she was so supportive. Of course, I went to the worst place possible and said, that this opened the possibility of a worse stage than I imagined! She calmed me and helped me keep my head about me. She said she knows so many women who had the same thing and they are fine now!
I finally called my sister, Karen. Thank goodness because she put it all in perspective. She calmed me down with facts! First she was thrilled that my HER2 was negative! As for the lymph testing being positive, she said that there is soooo much more that we need to know before I jump to any conclusions. Then later tonight she called me back and explained it further and continued easing my concern. I now have several questions for my doctor, have decided that I really need to go to a more experienced surgeon, and am thankful because today I scheduled not one, but two second opinions with two different doctors that come highly recommended, are board certified, and in Cincinnati. So the definitive information really won't be known until the sentinel node biopsy comes back. She said that there is a small possibility that today's positive test was a false positive too. She said not to fret over anything I heard today because there is just too much to still put together in this puzzle before we really know.
There are many things I don't want to hear if I do need chemo, so I won't post those now, because I am not going there in my mind. Pray for my mental peace in all this.
PRAYER REQUESTS:
The prayer then is that I still do not need chemo! (It's still a possibility.) I find the right surgeon! (I will meet with one, Jamie Lewis, on Friday and another, Jennifer Manders, on next Monday.) I am healed from it all! And John's health will not suffer because of this.
I did get a call from her nurse, Danielle, however she just needed my breast cancer gene test results I got from work, since we do that at the dental office now! Thankfully, mine are negative! If they were positive, a double mastectomy would likely be recommended! I told her I was waiting for my results from Dr. Palmer and she informed me that she was out of town today but she texted her and let her know that I was waiting.
Ten minutes later, the same nurse called me back and said the Dr. Palmer said she could call me and let me know that Dr. Palmer would call me in the morning to go over the result details, but that I needed to at least know that the HER2 was NEGATIVE!!! That's my good news!
Unfortunately, the lymph node testing came back as POSITIVE!!! That's my bad news!
I hung up and since I was already driving home, I just kept telling myself outloud, "It's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok." I felt shock and disbelief.
I called John and sobbed. I dreaded giving my sweet man this news! Tears flowed freely while I tried focusing on the road as I drove home. I called my mom next, and she was so supportive. Of course, I went to the worst place possible and said, that this opened the possibility of a worse stage than I imagined! She calmed me and helped me keep my head about me. She said she knows so many women who had the same thing and they are fine now!
I finally called my sister, Karen. Thank goodness because she put it all in perspective. She calmed me down with facts! First she was thrilled that my HER2 was negative! As for the lymph testing being positive, she said that there is soooo much more that we need to know before I jump to any conclusions. Then later tonight she called me back and explained it further and continued easing my concern. I now have several questions for my doctor, have decided that I really need to go to a more experienced surgeon, and am thankful because today I scheduled not one, but two second opinions with two different doctors that come highly recommended, are board certified, and in Cincinnati. So the definitive information really won't be known until the sentinel node biopsy comes back. She said that there is a small possibility that today's positive test was a false positive too. She said not to fret over anything I heard today because there is just too much to still put together in this puzzle before we really know.
There are many things I don't want to hear if I do need chemo, so I won't post those now, because I am not going there in my mind. Pray for my mental peace in all this.
PRAYER REQUESTS:
The prayer then is that I still do not need chemo! (It's still a possibility.) I find the right surgeon! (I will meet with one, Jamie Lewis, on Friday and another, Jennifer Manders, on next Monday.) I am healed from it all! And John's health will not suffer because of this.
Day 10 Started Out at 4 a.m. Again
It seems like my body is now in this habit of just waking up around 4 am with anxiety. I know I shouldn't, I know the verses about not being anxious. Yet, it's a physical reaction. I could literally feel my fast pulse, my mind racing and all the 'what-ifs' I had to suppress. I tried praying for others. I tried remembering all the people whom are praying and how it's all in God's hands. I told myself that this is the enemy's attempt to shake my faith in God being in control, and I tried telling myself that how I feel and think right now is a 'choice' and I need to choose to calm my nerves and trust. Not sure I was very successful, but thankfully after a lot of tossing around in bed, I must have fallen back to sleep because I woke up to my 6 a.m. alarm.
I must admit, I wish it were 5 pm and my work day was over and I could just get the call from Dr. Palmer and she would deliver great news and I could rest...
I need to calm it down, to trust, to see You in all this, and to not fear.
Thank you for your Son. Thank you for my life and the gift you gave me in my salvation. Thank you for today. Thank you for my journey that I get to take WITH you because I am a beloved daughter of the Most High King and you will never leave me. Thank you for always being there for me in my fearful moments and for your Word that gets me out of fear.
I must admit, I wish it were 5 pm and my work day was over and I could just get the call from Dr. Palmer and she would deliver great news and I could rest...
Philippians 4:6 New Living Translation
6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.I need to calm it down, to trust, to see You in all this, and to not fear.
Thank you for your Son. Thank you for my life and the gift you gave me in my salvation. Thank you for today. Thank you for my journey that I get to take WITH you because I am a beloved daughter of the Most High King and you will never leave me. Thank you for always being there for me in my fearful moments and for your Word that gets me out of fear.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Day 9 Starting My Day Out Right
I woke up around 4:30 am and prayed. I prayed for healing. God is the One who heals, so I placed my right hand on my left breast and prayed in faith and confidence that this cancer would literally disappear.
And I was given an idea on how I will spend my time through my recovery should God not remove this 'thorn'. I will become more of a prayer warrior for my persecuted brothers and sisters than ever before. I will take my focus off my suffering and circumstance and use my free time to fervently pray for others while I'm healing. God will be victorious either way!
"Isaiah 49:13 Sing for joy, O heavens, and exult, O earth; break forth, O mountains, into singing! For the Lord has comforted his people and will have compassion on his afflicted."
Thankfully, I fell back asleep for a few hours. I spent the morning visiting with Jonathan's roommate, Kirby. I shared how when someone is so much more aware of that thin veil between life and death, the courage to share the greatest gift of all, salvation through Christ, is so much easier to do. I don't care if people think I'm too 'religious'. I have a love message for whomever God puts on my heart to share, and I will share. It would be selfish of me not to have the knowledge of the greatest gift in life and not share it.
When Jonathan woke up, we went for a nice walk in his neighborhood and my time with him felt normal. I'm thankful for that. I have no promise of when I'll see him next or in what condition I'll be in, so it was good to just be us.
When I got home tonight from Michigan, I was able to have a nice healthy dinner and John and I spent time in our gazebo while I read over the important facts in my Breast Health binder with him. I think we both have a good grasp on the literature and will await the diagnosis from the biopsy and HER2 tomorrow.
My prayer requests: My cancer was healed, no chemotherapy if not, finding the best doctors, John's health through it all.
Thank you to all my prayer warriors...even those of you who said they don't ever really pray but will now! Jesus hears you no matter what the outcome. I'm humbled that so many have reached out and showered me with prayer.
And I was given an idea on how I will spend my time through my recovery should God not remove this 'thorn'. I will become more of a prayer warrior for my persecuted brothers and sisters than ever before. I will take my focus off my suffering and circumstance and use my free time to fervently pray for others while I'm healing. God will be victorious either way!
"Isaiah 49:13 Sing for joy, O heavens, and exult, O earth; break forth, O mountains, into singing! For the Lord has comforted his people and will have compassion on his afflicted."
Thankfully, I fell back asleep for a few hours. I spent the morning visiting with Jonathan's roommate, Kirby. I shared how when someone is so much more aware of that thin veil between life and death, the courage to share the greatest gift of all, salvation through Christ, is so much easier to do. I don't care if people think I'm too 'religious'. I have a love message for whomever God puts on my heart to share, and I will share. It would be selfish of me not to have the knowledge of the greatest gift in life and not share it.
When Jonathan woke up, we went for a nice walk in his neighborhood and my time with him felt normal. I'm thankful for that. I have no promise of when I'll see him next or in what condition I'll be in, so it was good to just be us.
When I got home tonight from Michigan, I was able to have a nice healthy dinner and John and I spent time in our gazebo while I read over the important facts in my Breast Health binder with him. I think we both have a good grasp on the literature and will await the diagnosis from the biopsy and HER2 tomorrow.
My prayer requests: My cancer was healed, no chemotherapy if not, finding the best doctors, John's health through it all.
Thank you to all my prayer warriors...even those of you who said they don't ever really pray but will now! Jesus hears you no matter what the outcome. I'm humbled that so many have reached out and showered me with prayer.
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Day 8 Eat, Love, Pray
Remember in Jim Carey's movie, The Grinch, when he shouted to the echo, "I'm an idiot!" Yeah, that was me this morning. Back up. So last Saturday, some dear young friends of ours got married. They are on their honeymoon in Costa Rica now. So while I told everyone about this diagnosis, I hadn't told them and didn't want to even have them hear about it until after they returned. I never thought for a second that they'd see my post on Facebook!!! I got this sweet text from them shortly after posting it.
"Monica and I just found out... We both have been crying because you mean the world to us. You know our thoughts and prayers are with you. The Lord will watch over you through this time and you are surrounded by so many people who support you. Are you willing to see us next weekend? We love you Tricia and will help with anything you need. We'd love to see you when we get back."
I immediately Facetimed them and assured them that I'm going to be fine and today I'm great!! I wanted them to focus on their precious honeymoon time. I even asked them WHO was the poop-head that would tell them?! Then Graham said...."Facebook". Like I said, "I'm an idiot!" Sorry friends. I hope you didn't allow sad thoughts in after we talked!
Jonathan and I have had a really pleasant day. We went to the flower market in beautiful Detroit, and spent the day with him and Marisa, his friend. Later, Jon and I hiked out in his back yard and explored!
When I came back in I continued reading my Breast Health binder. Unfortunately, I did read a few things I didn't like such as my pathology report stating that my cancerous cells have a nuclear grade of 2. The literature in my handy dandy binder says grade 2 cancer cells grow faster than normal cells. In my mind, that's different than the slow-growing comment Dr Palmer told me. Also it states this: "Size of the cancer does not tell the whole story. A small cancer may be fast-growing." So much for feeling assurance in its small size of 1 cm! I also learned that breast cancers with positive estrogen and progesterone receptors, which I do have, tend to respond well to hormone therapy. Yeah. Lastly, that HER2 thing I touched on. First, it's a gene that helps control how cells grow, divide, and repair. Cancers with too many tend to grow fast. They are also associated with the risk of spreading. Mine came in as inconclusive, so I thought, so it was sent for a FISH test. I totally misunderstood that. I thought that the first test, the IHC, or ImmunoHistoChemistry, just couldn't get a good reading and THAT'S why they sent it out for the other test. But, nope, it's because it was borderline. That means I'm closer to it being positive. My IHC was a 2+ and the literature says that is actually borderline. Pray. Pray. Pray. I don't want chemo, Lord. If I have a positive FISH result or lymph node involvement, then no Quetico for me this year. Lord, please take this cup from me! Pit in my stomach at the thought of that.
I need to remember what Kathleen Pippen told me yesterday, "Don't think ahead of the facts."
So why was this titled Eat, Love, Pray? I ate my words, I loved time with Jonathan, and I'm praying I don't need chemo.
"Monica and I just found out... We both have been crying because you mean the world to us. You know our thoughts and prayers are with you. The Lord will watch over you through this time and you are surrounded by so many people who support you. Are you willing to see us next weekend? We love you Tricia and will help with anything you need. We'd love to see you when we get back."
I immediately Facetimed them and assured them that I'm going to be fine and today I'm great!! I wanted them to focus on their precious honeymoon time. I even asked them WHO was the poop-head that would tell them?! Then Graham said...."Facebook". Like I said, "I'm an idiot!" Sorry friends. I hope you didn't allow sad thoughts in after we talked!
Jonathan and I have had a really pleasant day. We went to the flower market in beautiful Detroit, and spent the day with him and Marisa, his friend. Later, Jon and I hiked out in his back yard and explored!
When I came back in I continued reading my Breast Health binder. Unfortunately, I did read a few things I didn't like such as my pathology report stating that my cancerous cells have a nuclear grade of 2. The literature in my handy dandy binder says grade 2 cancer cells grow faster than normal cells. In my mind, that's different than the slow-growing comment Dr Palmer told me. Also it states this: "Size of the cancer does not tell the whole story. A small cancer may be fast-growing." So much for feeling assurance in its small size of 1 cm! I also learned that breast cancers with positive estrogen and progesterone receptors, which I do have, tend to respond well to hormone therapy. Yeah. Lastly, that HER2 thing I touched on. First, it's a gene that helps control how cells grow, divide, and repair. Cancers with too many tend to grow fast. They are also associated with the risk of spreading. Mine came in as inconclusive, so I thought, so it was sent for a FISH test. I totally misunderstood that. I thought that the first test, the IHC, or ImmunoHistoChemistry, just couldn't get a good reading and THAT'S why they sent it out for the other test. But, nope, it's because it was borderline. That means I'm closer to it being positive. My IHC was a 2+ and the literature says that is actually borderline. Pray. Pray. Pray. I don't want chemo, Lord. If I have a positive FISH result or lymph node involvement, then no Quetico for me this year. Lord, please take this cup from me! Pit in my stomach at the thought of that.
I need to remember what Kathleen Pippen told me yesterday, "Don't think ahead of the facts."
So why was this titled Eat, Love, Pray? I ate my words, I loved time with Jonathan, and I'm praying I don't need chemo.
Day 8 Going Public
Without question, my biggest concern yesterday was talking to Jonathan. He was like me when he first heard: he just wanted the facts. Then we talked about normal life stuff, went to dinner, then when I was going to bed, he said he needed to just leave and go for a drive to process. When I woke up at 6 am, he made me a cup of tea then went back to bed. So, thanks for praying. So far, it's calm. I'll spend a couple hours reading the literature Dr Palmer gave me. It's an entire binder full of reading material.
My torn rotator cuff hurts worse than my biopsy sites now, which is my normal for the time being.
The breast surgeon I wanted to have a second opinion with never did call me yesterday. I called them finally at 3 pm and they said that the doctor wasn't in to ask where she could fit me in so they will call me on Monday after asking her. Sounds like scheduling with her might be challenging. I'll see. Also my sister, Karen, ask another doctor who they recommend and a Dr Jaime Lewis name came up. I'll call her on Monday and inquire about a second opinion. .
I've decided to post my blog on my Facebook wall so others who might want to know what's going on can read about this new journey I'm on.
Manna for my day: Psalm 136:4 Give thanks to the Lord who alone does mighty miracles. His faithful love endures forever.
My torn rotator cuff hurts worse than my biopsy sites now, which is my normal for the time being.
The breast surgeon I wanted to have a second opinion with never did call me yesterday. I called them finally at 3 pm and they said that the doctor wasn't in to ask where she could fit me in so they will call me on Monday after asking her. Sounds like scheduling with her might be challenging. I'll see. Also my sister, Karen, ask another doctor who they recommend and a Dr Jaime Lewis name came up. I'll call her on Monday and inquire about a second opinion. .
I've decided to post my blog on my Facebook wall so others who might want to know what's going on can read about this new journey I'm on.
Manna for my day: Psalm 136:4 Give thanks to the Lord who alone does mighty miracles. His faithful love endures forever.
Friday, May 13, 2016
Day 7 clarifying for you Cindy Ashby :)
So I met with Dr. Palmer, a breast surgeon, yesterday and got lots of great information on how she would opt to treat me. She is relatively newer to the hospital and surgery, but comes recommended from someone I trust. Because she is the person my OBGYN recommended, I just went with her at first. However, now that I realize she is fresher out of followship training and does not have years of experience (although she is purported to be meticulous, board certified, and very good) I definitely think a second opinion with someone more experience, has excellent skills, and is board certified, and well respected in the community is what I'd be more comfortable with.
I am waiting for a call from this second opinion doctor today. Her name is Jennifer B. Manders.
Because she is so well known, it will likely be 1-2 weeks before I can even see her for a second opinion. Karen, my sis, said that that is not unusual.
I am waiting for a call from this second opinion doctor today. Her name is Jennifer B. Manders.
Because she is so well known, it will likely be 1-2 weeks before I can even see her for a second opinion. Karen, my sis, said that that is not unusual.
Day 7 Feeling Loved
Now that I have met with the first surgeon and have most of the results I need to understand this doctor's plan to treat me, I decided to share with all my family and friends what is happening. Some of you I felt it necessary to visit in person, some via phone, and most are gracious enough to understand my need to send a text and invite them to read my blog. I hope nobody was missed, but feel free to share this if anyone wants to share this after today, it's ok.
Tonight I will see my son, Jonathan, and inform him. I will also be calling the final remaining family and friends that are like family but live out of town. Pray for Jonathan especially. I am not sure how he will receive this news.
My biopsy site feels better this morning.
I am awaiting a call from Dr. Manders office who I hope to meet soon for a second opinion.
I just want to feel like it's a normal Friday, but like my kindred spirited friend, Wendy T., says who works with patients every day, "It's like a shadow is with you now." It's true, it's there and I need to address it. Yet Linda Storrs is right in encouraging me to not identify myself with the words by stating that 'I have cancer', but to iterate that 'the doctors diagnosed me with breast cancer.' Not sure how it will change the cells in my body, but it changes my mindframe.
The confusion is how to best address the diagnosis. So many thoughts swirling around...what about traditional only approach vs alternative treatment? I just want clarity on that.
I realized just how much I want to go to Quetico this September when my outfitter texted me and sent encouraging words, including telling me that she would send me recordings of loons and pictures of sunsets. Flood gate of tears, Kathy Zup. Thank you and I can't wait to see and hear it IN PERSON! Until then, I'll take whatever you send and relish it.
My manna for today comes from Lynne Albrect: Isaiah 43: 1-3
But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Tonight I will see my son, Jonathan, and inform him. I will also be calling the final remaining family and friends that are like family but live out of town. Pray for Jonathan especially. I am not sure how he will receive this news.
My biopsy site feels better this morning.
I am awaiting a call from Dr. Manders office who I hope to meet soon for a second opinion.
I just want to feel like it's a normal Friday, but like my kindred spirited friend, Wendy T., says who works with patients every day, "It's like a shadow is with you now." It's true, it's there and I need to address it. Yet Linda Storrs is right in encouraging me to not identify myself with the words by stating that 'I have cancer', but to iterate that 'the doctors diagnosed me with breast cancer.' Not sure how it will change the cells in my body, but it changes my mindframe.
The confusion is how to best address the diagnosis. So many thoughts swirling around...what about traditional only approach vs alternative treatment? I just want clarity on that.
I realized just how much I want to go to Quetico this September when my outfitter texted me and sent encouraging words, including telling me that she would send me recordings of loons and pictures of sunsets. Flood gate of tears, Kathy Zup. Thank you and I can't wait to see and hear it IN PERSON! Until then, I'll take whatever you send and relish it.
My manna for today comes from Lynne Albrect: Isaiah 43: 1-3
But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Day 6 Aother Very Big Day
It's almost midnight and I'm exhausted but I wanted to journal now so that I can sleep at 3 a.m. and not feel like I need to document this big day.
Sarah Jean, what a sweet daughter, agreed to come with me to my doctor's appointment. John so badly wanted to but I felt like he needed to stay and work while Sarah came with me. It was good.
I was supposed to have only a quick needle aspiration but this was a different radiologist, Dr. Phalen, and he felt like he could still be successful getting another biopsy. Ugh. He loaded me up with tons of lidocaine and attempted to punch biopsy 4 different lymph nodes. He was not positive he got all 4 and we are hopeful he got at least a couple. I will state that that hurt much more than the initial one. He went deeper and had to inject lots more to make me numb. Literally it felt like he was down my side, under my armpit and it zinged a few times. Whew, that's kinda invasive and not so fun. My guardian angel, Judy, the nurse was there again and very reassuring. But the 15 min aspiration became an over an hour multiple biopsy. I had Jordan Pieniasek's necklace in my pocket. It gave me strength.
Then on to my 2 hour meeting with Dr. Jacquelyn Palmer. My sister, Karen, was gracious enough to FaceTime in and listened and Sarah Jean was also in with me the whole time. I learned all about my 1 cm invasive ductile carcinoma and that we will do a partial biopsy aka...lumpectomy and have radiation afterward. Since the lymph biopsies still need to give information and we are still waiting on the HER2 results, we don't know if chemotherapy or anti-hormone pills will be needed. So now I wait until Monday or Tuesday when those results are in to find out more. I did schedule my surgery for June 1 but I will get a second opinion asap and that may change.
Then I did what I really did not want to do. I had to break this news to Liz Pieniasek, Brooklyn and Daniel Mesward, and Josh and Tiffany Lenon. These people are precious to me and broken, weary, and empty of tears already from the loss of Jordan. Of course, Liz, was my encouragement. She shared with me Hebrews 10:19-39. She said she wanted those words for both of us. I hated to have to even let the words, "I have breast cancer" come out of my lips and into their ears, but it had to be done.
Next, I called my mom and dad. Of course, they were troopers. They are how I can carry on with such strength. They are positive, supportive, and understanding. It was really weird though, telling my parents that I had cancer. They admitted that it was weird hearing it, but they do truly understand because they both have had cancer and fought it themselves, mom with skin cancer, dad with prostate.
As more and more of my friends find out, I realize how shocking this is, not only to me, but to everyone. It's pretty surreal and I don't believe it, except for the pain in my side right now as I need to heal from those biopsies, the binder on my kitchen counter titled "Breast Health Patient Guide", and the appointments that are filling up my calendar already for surgery, post op, second opinion, etc...
I'm sorry I have this cancer. I really am. I am sorry I can't be available for my sweet friend, Liz, at the time of her greatest loss. I am sorry I probably won't be able to go on my wilderness adventures that I look forward to all year with John. I'm sorry my kids have to deal with a mom with cancer and now have to check that box on their health history, I'm sorry my sweet man is worried he could lose his beloved. I'm sorry I will be totally inconveniencing Dr. Henize by not being able to work while I'm healing. I'm sorry my body will hurt. I'm sorry this will use up all our emergency funds and my kid's wedding fund money. I'm sorry people who want to help me will have to drive 45 min to visit me. I'm sorry to add grief to my family and friends. I'm sorry. I know it's not my fault, but I am sorry for how this will hurt so many.
Tomorrow I will have a 4 hour drive to Michigan and will have to tell my son, Jonathan. On the drive I will have to call many other friends and family members and tell them for the first time.
My prayer needs...that I won't need chemo. That my husband's health will not suffer with this stress. That my children will see God working in it all and seek Him and find Him.
Sarah Jean, what a sweet daughter, agreed to come with me to my doctor's appointment. John so badly wanted to but I felt like he needed to stay and work while Sarah came with me. It was good.
I was supposed to have only a quick needle aspiration but this was a different radiologist, Dr. Phalen, and he felt like he could still be successful getting another biopsy. Ugh. He loaded me up with tons of lidocaine and attempted to punch biopsy 4 different lymph nodes. He was not positive he got all 4 and we are hopeful he got at least a couple. I will state that that hurt much more than the initial one. He went deeper and had to inject lots more to make me numb. Literally it felt like he was down my side, under my armpit and it zinged a few times. Whew, that's kinda invasive and not so fun. My guardian angel, Judy, the nurse was there again and very reassuring. But the 15 min aspiration became an over an hour multiple biopsy. I had Jordan Pieniasek's necklace in my pocket. It gave me strength.
Then on to my 2 hour meeting with Dr. Jacquelyn Palmer. My sister, Karen, was gracious enough to FaceTime in and listened and Sarah Jean was also in with me the whole time. I learned all about my 1 cm invasive ductile carcinoma and that we will do a partial biopsy aka...lumpectomy and have radiation afterward. Since the lymph biopsies still need to give information and we are still waiting on the HER2 results, we don't know if chemotherapy or anti-hormone pills will be needed. So now I wait until Monday or Tuesday when those results are in to find out more. I did schedule my surgery for June 1 but I will get a second opinion asap and that may change.
Then I did what I really did not want to do. I had to break this news to Liz Pieniasek, Brooklyn and Daniel Mesward, and Josh and Tiffany Lenon. These people are precious to me and broken, weary, and empty of tears already from the loss of Jordan. Of course, Liz, was my encouragement. She shared with me Hebrews 10:19-39. She said she wanted those words for both of us. I hated to have to even let the words, "I have breast cancer" come out of my lips and into their ears, but it had to be done.
Next, I called my mom and dad. Of course, they were troopers. They are how I can carry on with such strength. They are positive, supportive, and understanding. It was really weird though, telling my parents that I had cancer. They admitted that it was weird hearing it, but they do truly understand because they both have had cancer and fought it themselves, mom with skin cancer, dad with prostate.
As more and more of my friends find out, I realize how shocking this is, not only to me, but to everyone. It's pretty surreal and I don't believe it, except for the pain in my side right now as I need to heal from those biopsies, the binder on my kitchen counter titled "Breast Health Patient Guide", and the appointments that are filling up my calendar already for surgery, post op, second opinion, etc...
I'm sorry I have this cancer. I really am. I am sorry I can't be available for my sweet friend, Liz, at the time of her greatest loss. I am sorry I probably won't be able to go on my wilderness adventures that I look forward to all year with John. I'm sorry my kids have to deal with a mom with cancer and now have to check that box on their health history, I'm sorry my sweet man is worried he could lose his beloved. I'm sorry I will be totally inconveniencing Dr. Henize by not being able to work while I'm healing. I'm sorry my body will hurt. I'm sorry this will use up all our emergency funds and my kid's wedding fund money. I'm sorry people who want to help me will have to drive 45 min to visit me. I'm sorry to add grief to my family and friends. I'm sorry. I know it's not my fault, but I am sorry for how this will hurt so many.
Tomorrow I will have a 4 hour drive to Michigan and will have to tell my son, Jonathan. On the drive I will have to call many other friends and family members and tell them for the first time.
My prayer needs...that I won't need chemo. That my husband's health will not suffer with this stress. That my children will see God working in it all and seek Him and find Him.
Day 5 Confidence Shaken in My Surgeon
Last night was supposed to be a big downer...I was expecting to come home from work and tell Sarah Jean that her mom had breast cancer and she would lose it! But no! This girl surprised me completely. She asked first if I was kidding, then asked if I was going to die from it. When I told her that I was told it was early stage and I'd need surgery, at least, and I'd probably be recovering on my couch next to her as she was recovering from her own surgery (she's scheduled for shoulder surgery next Thursday), she was totally ok with this news. She just wanted to know the facts and was not in a puddle at all! She even is coming to the doctor's appointments with me tomorrow. (Shout out to all you prayer warriors!!)
My sister, Karen, is my most trusted person in all this. She is in the field of oncology in Milwaukee, Wi. She works with these radiologists and doctors all the time. She asked me about my surgeon and her background and did some research on her. There are some definite red flags. Not that she might not be good at what she does, but she literally just finished her fellowship 6 months ago and has nothing published. Karen said that their docs that finish fellowship all have published something. Oh...and she isn't even board certified as a breast oncologist yet because she has not taken her board exam yet...STOP the bus! She also saw the horrific bruising on my breast and her first comment about the radiologist was that she was pretty rough! Thankfully, she knows of a doctor who relocated near me (I think a radiologist) that if she had breast cancer, that she would want taking care of her. She is now in Columbus, OH at OSU and Karen said she would guide me to the best surgeon.
So today I'm still going to my appointment for the needle aspiration and the consult. I need to get the results and see what they say. I also will have Karen there virtually asking questions and then guiding me to the right next step. Since I am pretty sure I won't be having this team do my surgery, I told John not to take 1/2 a day off like he so badly wants to and to just stay at work. I will have him come with me when we get to the ones I feel complete confidence in. If I'm going to have a minimum of 2-4 weeks off work, he needs to continue working as much as possible....darn it on me for not getting that short-term disability...Arun Lai...you were right in suggesting it. I wish I had listened and followed through on that. Another lesson learned in life...get short and long term disability insurance!
As for my physical comfort, I only have band-aids on the incision sites now since the Steri-strips fell off after showering and other than the initial anesthetic injection pinch, I have had absolutely no pain! Now bruising...that's different. The underside of my breast has a 2 inch wide, dark purple band.
Spiritually, I am more at peace each day. Lynne Albrect was right in that so far, the initial shock was the hardest. However, today will be interesting as I go to my sweet friend, Brooklyn's, and will share with her sooner than others at Red Door because she is moving to Colorado in less than a week and I want to tell her in person.
My sister, Karen, is my most trusted person in all this. She is in the field of oncology in Milwaukee, Wi. She works with these radiologists and doctors all the time. She asked me about my surgeon and her background and did some research on her. There are some definite red flags. Not that she might not be good at what she does, but she literally just finished her fellowship 6 months ago and has nothing published. Karen said that their docs that finish fellowship all have published something. Oh...and she isn't even board certified as a breast oncologist yet because she has not taken her board exam yet...STOP the bus! She also saw the horrific bruising on my breast and her first comment about the radiologist was that she was pretty rough! Thankfully, she knows of a doctor who relocated near me (I think a radiologist) that if she had breast cancer, that she would want taking care of her. She is now in Columbus, OH at OSU and Karen said she would guide me to the best surgeon.
So today I'm still going to my appointment for the needle aspiration and the consult. I need to get the results and see what they say. I also will have Karen there virtually asking questions and then guiding me to the right next step. Since I am pretty sure I won't be having this team do my surgery, I told John not to take 1/2 a day off like he so badly wants to and to just stay at work. I will have him come with me when we get to the ones I feel complete confidence in. If I'm going to have a minimum of 2-4 weeks off work, he needs to continue working as much as possible....darn it on me for not getting that short-term disability...Arun Lai...you were right in suggesting it. I wish I had listened and followed through on that. Another lesson learned in life...get short and long term disability insurance!
As for my physical comfort, I only have band-aids on the incision sites now since the Steri-strips fell off after showering and other than the initial anesthetic injection pinch, I have had absolutely no pain! Now bruising...that's different. The underside of my breast has a 2 inch wide, dark purple band.
Spiritually, I am more at peace each day. Lynne Albrect was right in that so far, the initial shock was the hardest. However, today will be interesting as I go to my sweet friend, Brooklyn's, and will share with her sooner than others at Red Door because she is moving to Colorado in less than a week and I want to tell her in person.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Day 4 The Calm before the Storm
On my drive to work I listened to the music video of the song, "You Are My Hiding Place."
I came to work today with the intention of telling my coworkers. I initially wanted to tell them at the end of the day but due to scheduling conflicts, it happened scattered throughout the day. Thankfully, everyone was very supportive, nothing less than what I expected.
Tonight will be difficult. Sarah is coming over to celebrate our Mother's Day and she is expecting we will have fun and mom/daughter time. I hope she takes it well. I am praying she will process it and if she wants, she can come with John and me to the doctor's tomorrow morning.
I looked up the breast surgeon online and could not find anything. She is relatively new so there aren't any reviews out on her. Holly Leonard told me about another surgeon off Red Bank Road, Lydia Hernandez. How do you know who is good or not? I left a message with Dr. Lee, my gynecologist and asked her to contact me.
I came to work today with the intention of telling my coworkers. I initially wanted to tell them at the end of the day but due to scheduling conflicts, it happened scattered throughout the day. Thankfully, everyone was very supportive, nothing less than what I expected.
Tonight will be difficult. Sarah is coming over to celebrate our Mother's Day and she is expecting we will have fun and mom/daughter time. I hope she takes it well. I am praying she will process it and if she wants, she can come with John and me to the doctor's tomorrow morning.
I looked up the breast surgeon online and could not find anything. She is relatively new so there aren't any reviews out on her. Holly Leonard told me about another surgeon off Red Bank Road, Lydia Hernandez. How do you know who is good or not? I left a message with Dr. Lee, my gynecologist and asked her to contact me.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Day 3 Deep Breath, Tricia...it's going to be ok
So, now that I've had a few hours to process this news, here is how it all went down:
At lunch, Dr. Palmer called and said she wanted to go over the biopsy report with me if I had time and was in private. At that moment, I kinda figured she would be telling me something I did not want to hear.
She said that of the two biopsies, the one in my breast was cancerous. She also said that the one of the lymph node was not valid because they did not get enough tissue. This would mean another procedure and this time she would get a needle aspiration because the lymph did look abnormal with the ultrasound.
She also shared that this cancer was influenced by hormones, is the most common kind and is less aggressive. She said it's fairly small and in an early stage. She was also pretty complimentary that I found it so early and came in to have it checked. Even though this cancer is slow growing, we still need to treat it and on Thursday I will have the needle aspiration and a consultation with Dr. Palmer to discuss all our options and more details of what is happening and what to expect.
When I told her I would need to cancel my patients and needed to know how long I'd have to schedule off, she said that the surgical part alone would require 2-4 weeks off! Then she said that as we get more information, we will determine what other modalities we will need to use like antihormone pills, chemo and radiation. My HER2 results were not in yet either and that influences treatment.
I had no idea was HER2 was but later when I talked to my sister, Karen, she explained it's estrogen and progesterone receptors.
I was pretty business like and collected as Dr. Palmer talked and I told her we would just have to beat this and get done what needs to be done and I'd see her Thursday.
I hung up, walked into the lunch break room and Holly Todd and Holly Leonard were there. I could not hold back my emotions and told them I needed to share news I just received and I lost it. After my initial shock once I said it and got my first hug, I decided not to say anything to the rest of the crew right then as they were still seeing patients. Thankfully, I was able to get done a little early and decided to drive home to tell John, despite his text asking me if I had heard anything yet.
I know I cleaned 2 people's teeth, but it was truly a blur. Thankfully I've been doing this job for 30 years. It was like riding a bike and I did what I had to, but really my mind was trying like crazy to just get them out of my treatment room so I could go home. As soon as I finished, I bolted!
On my way home I called my sister, Karen, who has worked in oncology for years. Thankfully, she took my call and answered my questions and agreed to be on a FaceTime call with us on Thursday with Dr. Palmer! She filled me in on some things to ask, some possible treatments she will do and some definite reassurance that catching it early, with that kind of cancer, Invasive Ductile Carcinoma, is totally treatable and curable!
Then I pulled in to my garage. I did not tell John that I was on my way home. I just wanted to tell him in person. When I saw him, we hugged and I told him what he did not expect to hear...I had cancer! We both hugged and he held me close and told me that we'd get through this and he would be right there for me and he loved me. We hugged more and I cried more. I felt so bad that here he has only been married to me for 3 years and now he has a wife with cancer! Also, I am sick that I will be dealing with my treatment and I need to be there for Liz Pieniasek after Jordan's death. With him gone AND the Meswards moving to Colorado, I just assumed I'd be her main support, her reliable friend, her available anytime friend...not so much! I don't have the heart to tell her.
Then, since it's Tuesday, John and I coached Special Olympics floor hockey at the Lebanon YMCA, so we left and did our thing. Actually, it was good. Those are some of the most loving and healing faces I could see tonight. I'm glad I chose to go.
I did get the chance to call Lynne Albrecht, Megan Lubbers, Mel Olivera (whom I told on Friday because she came in the car with me after Jordan's unfuneral and I had to change ice packs), and finally, I called Luke. He was in Germany but told me to call him immediately once I knew anything. He was deeply upset and was very sweet. He offered to do anything I needed that he could help with.
Then after floor hockey, John took me to wherever I wanted for dinner. We went to Firebirds and got a yummy meal together. When we finished, I said that we should come back and have this same meal when all the treatment is done and I am healed!
I will have to plan how I share this with everyone as it can get to be overwhelming to call everyone to tell them. Perhaps I need to just ask folks to go to this blog and they can read all about it.
My biggest concern...my kids and Liz and Josh Lenon. Red Door has had enough tragedy and sadness of late.
Lord, help me see your hand in this. Show me my purpose in this. I am willing.
At lunch, Dr. Palmer called and said she wanted to go over the biopsy report with me if I had time and was in private. At that moment, I kinda figured she would be telling me something I did not want to hear.
She said that of the two biopsies, the one in my breast was cancerous. She also said that the one of the lymph node was not valid because they did not get enough tissue. This would mean another procedure and this time she would get a needle aspiration because the lymph did look abnormal with the ultrasound.
She also shared that this cancer was influenced by hormones, is the most common kind and is less aggressive. She said it's fairly small and in an early stage. She was also pretty complimentary that I found it so early and came in to have it checked. Even though this cancer is slow growing, we still need to treat it and on Thursday I will have the needle aspiration and a consultation with Dr. Palmer to discuss all our options and more details of what is happening and what to expect.
When I told her I would need to cancel my patients and needed to know how long I'd have to schedule off, she said that the surgical part alone would require 2-4 weeks off! Then she said that as we get more information, we will determine what other modalities we will need to use like antihormone pills, chemo and radiation. My HER2 results were not in yet either and that influences treatment.
I had no idea was HER2 was but later when I talked to my sister, Karen, she explained it's estrogen and progesterone receptors.
I was pretty business like and collected as Dr. Palmer talked and I told her we would just have to beat this and get done what needs to be done and I'd see her Thursday.
I hung up, walked into the lunch break room and Holly Todd and Holly Leonard were there. I could not hold back my emotions and told them I needed to share news I just received and I lost it. After my initial shock once I said it and got my first hug, I decided not to say anything to the rest of the crew right then as they were still seeing patients. Thankfully, I was able to get done a little early and decided to drive home to tell John, despite his text asking me if I had heard anything yet.
I know I cleaned 2 people's teeth, but it was truly a blur. Thankfully I've been doing this job for 30 years. It was like riding a bike and I did what I had to, but really my mind was trying like crazy to just get them out of my treatment room so I could go home. As soon as I finished, I bolted!
On my way home I called my sister, Karen, who has worked in oncology for years. Thankfully, she took my call and answered my questions and agreed to be on a FaceTime call with us on Thursday with Dr. Palmer! She filled me in on some things to ask, some possible treatments she will do and some definite reassurance that catching it early, with that kind of cancer, Invasive Ductile Carcinoma, is totally treatable and curable!
Then I pulled in to my garage. I did not tell John that I was on my way home. I just wanted to tell him in person. When I saw him, we hugged and I told him what he did not expect to hear...I had cancer! We both hugged and he held me close and told me that we'd get through this and he would be right there for me and he loved me. We hugged more and I cried more. I felt so bad that here he has only been married to me for 3 years and now he has a wife with cancer! Also, I am sick that I will be dealing with my treatment and I need to be there for Liz Pieniasek after Jordan's death. With him gone AND the Meswards moving to Colorado, I just assumed I'd be her main support, her reliable friend, her available anytime friend...not so much! I don't have the heart to tell her.
Then, since it's Tuesday, John and I coached Special Olympics floor hockey at the Lebanon YMCA, so we left and did our thing. Actually, it was good. Those are some of the most loving and healing faces I could see tonight. I'm glad I chose to go.
I did get the chance to call Lynne Albrecht, Megan Lubbers, Mel Olivera (whom I told on Friday because she came in the car with me after Jordan's unfuneral and I had to change ice packs), and finally, I called Luke. He was in Germany but told me to call him immediately once I knew anything. He was deeply upset and was very sweet. He offered to do anything I needed that he could help with.
Then after floor hockey, John took me to wherever I wanted for dinner. We went to Firebirds and got a yummy meal together. When we finished, I said that we should come back and have this same meal when all the treatment is done and I am healed!
I will have to plan how I share this with everyone as it can get to be overwhelming to call everyone to tell them. Perhaps I need to just ask folks to go to this blog and they can read all about it.
My biggest concern...my kids and Liz and Josh Lenon. Red Door has had enough tragedy and sadness of late.
Lord, help me see your hand in this. Show me my purpose in this. I am willing.
Monday, May 9, 2016
Day 2 A Good Word from a survivor
This morning on my way to work, I wanted to call Lynne Albrecht. She is a breast cancer survivor and she loves the Lord. I really hoped she would have wisdom to share and would be in prayer about my days until my results are in. She was very encouraging. In fact, I loved the metaphor she gave me about remembering how the Lord provided manna for his people...it was what they needed only for that day. They had to trust Him new each day and they received their daily bread. She reminded me that God would do the same...he would give me what I need for each day and not to worry about tomorrow.
I also shared with Jessica at work. I figured it would be good for at least her, if not Dr. Henize, to know what was happening. She suggested waiting until my results are in before sharing with Dr. Henize though.
As for the incision sites, they are very comfortable. I've literally had no pain with the biopsies. I do have some serious bruising, and they told me to expect it. I should put more Arnica on it to help.
Supposedly tomorrow the results will be in but my appointment is not until Thursday, so I will call tomorrow, Tuesday, and see if the will give me the results. John says he wants to come with me on Thursday but I told him that there wasn't any reason why he had to. But he wants to be there anyway.
Off to sleep. That waking up at 3:30 am and journaling for over an hour has me really tired.
I also shared with Jessica at work. I figured it would be good for at least her, if not Dr. Henize, to know what was happening. She suggested waiting until my results are in before sharing with Dr. Henize though.
As for the incision sites, they are very comfortable. I've literally had no pain with the biopsies. I do have some serious bruising, and they told me to expect it. I should put more Arnica on it to help.
Supposedly tomorrow the results will be in but my appointment is not until Thursday, so I will call tomorrow, Tuesday, and see if the will give me the results. John says he wants to come with me on Thursday but I told him that there wasn't any reason why he had to. But he wants to be there anyway.
Off to sleep. That waking up at 3:30 am and journaling for over an hour has me really tired.
Day 1 The Bib-opsy, as they say in My Big Fat Greek Wedding
This journal entry may end in a couple days when the results from my biopsies come back as negative. In that case, I will gladly forget about this blog and carry on in life loving others, loving life, and continuing to love Jesus more and more.
I really don't care if anyone ever reads this. It may be my own 2nd healing journey journal that is never seen by another soul. Yet tonight at 3:26 am, it is what I need to do. One thing I sure learned from my first marriage was that I processed much better when I journaled. In fact, in all my 'infinite wisdom' in that area, when women come to me for love, support, and guidance when it comes to dealing with an unfaithful spouse, journaling is one of the most helpful activities I can offer.
So let me document some thoughts and facts a little first. 1. There is no breast cancer in my family. I'm told that's a good thing and my results are much more likely to be negative. 2. I just had a mammogram 10 months ago, so it's my hope that if there actually is cancer, it's early. Unfortunately, the radiologist told me that the lymph node under my armpit was 'slightly thickened' so she snipped a bit of that too...just to be sure. 3. I'm 49 and have the most amazing husband, the most beautiful marriage, a church family that simply rocks, and 2+2 young adult children that I adore and want to continue being their mom til I'm 100, guiding them, encouraging them, praying for them, laughing with them, crying with them, holding their babies, and watching them grow into the adults that God designed them to be. 4. My dear friend, Jordan Pieniasek, was tragically killed a week ago and as I witnessed how his life was so impactful to those around him, hopefully more in his death than in his brief 31 years, I have a vivid perspective on my own journey. My life is not my own. Period. Also, my life is fragile and as I round the corner to 50, I am aware of its brevity so much more so than when I was just 25 (last week). So whatever happens this week, when I get my diagnosis, I ask you Jesus to continually remind me of my purpose...in all things to give you glory. Shine your light where ever I am. Tell others of your goodness, forgiveness, everlasting and over the moon love for each one of us.
How I got to this point: A couple months ago John noticed that my left breast had a dimple, an indentation, a puckering...however you want to describe it. Basically, my boob wasn't round at the bottom when I lifted my arms up. I looked in the mirror and saw what he saw, but brushed it off to my nipple area getting cold...you know when the areola skin tightens and pulls the nipple. Now I knew that that was not how it should look, but I wasn't terribly concerned.
Fast forward to my partially torn rotator cuff. Yes, I need surgery. Yes, I am stalling on getting it done. I can function well enough at work and if I can just get some good PT in and take some anti-inflammatories, then I can stave off surgery until October, AFTER my wilderness vacations with my sweet hubby. But last week, I was getting ready for bed and remembered I did not do my PT, so I was already undressed for bed and in the bathroom, so I did my exercises in front of my mirror. Immediately, I saw it! That puckered left boob was pretty obvious when I moved my arm a certain way. This was on Wednesday, May 4th, 2016.
I went to work on Thursday and since I had a couple hours at the end of my schedule where I had no patients, I called the B North Breast center and scheduled a mammogram. I told them I would love it if they could get me in right away...like now. In God's amazing way, they 'happened' to have time to see me. So I got in at 4 pm that day. Unfortunately, the sweet lady at the breast center had to tell me that they could only do a screening mammogram, not a diagnostic one, which is what I needed since I had a symptom of a puckering in my breast tissue. I needed a doctor's order for that.
I hopped in my car, called Dr. Julia Lee (my OBGYN) and said I needed to see her stat and could she see me today (it's now 4:15 pm). They said if I could get there soon, she could see me. In 20 min I was in her office getting a breast exam. She saw it and said that it would be best to just start with a breast surgeon and gave me Dr. Jacquelyn Palmer's name. I called there (4:54 pm) and said that I needed to see her stat. They gave me an appointment for 9:45 the next morning, Friday, May 6th. Also the day we had our Celebration of Life services for Jordan. So I was set... I knew I'd get my mammogram and an ultrasound and figure this out.
I was actually thankful I had much more important things to do that night. God distracted me from worrying. I went to Liz', helped love on her, played with her kiddos, talked to her family that was in town, and got to listen to her practice reading her love letter she would read the next day at Jordo's service. I absolutely had no further thought about my boob that night. Since I was closer to the doctor's for my 9:45 am appt, and I was privileged to drive Liz and the girls to Mitchell's to get their nails done for their daddy's Celebration of Life service, I stayed at my new friend, Megan Lubbers, house. I did share with her in the morning what my 'doctor's appointment' was for and we prayed before I left.
The actual appointment was so surreal. I just wanted to get the mammogram and ultrasound over so I could drive 45 min home, brush my teeth (did not get to do that since I stayed unexpectedly the night before and was not prepared), change clothes, and go to Jordan's service. I wanted to be close to my Red Door family and continue with the needed closure that I knew this unfuneral event would have.
The breast surgeon saw the dimple, agreed to have the 2 tests done. I went in, squeezed into that machine in a few positions...done. Thankfully, mammograms are not uncomfortable to me, so it's totally no big deal to do that. Then I was escorted to the ultrasound room. It was easy too, however, I could easily see the mass on the monitor as she slid the warm jelly-covered wand over my breast. No surprise, since I knew something had to be causing the dimpling.
She got the radiologist, who was very competent and sweet...I just can't remember her name...Dr. Angus or something. She also used the ultrasound and explained that indeed, there was a mass and that the lymph node was slightly thickened so it would be best to do a biopsy.
I check the clock...11:00 am. I ask if I'll need to take time off work. Yes, a couple days. Check. That means I'll need to do it on a Friday. The next Friday I have off is in 2 weeks. I don't want to wait that long. So I ask how long it would take to do right now. She says 1.5-2 hours. I could be done by 1:00. The service is at 3, I need to be there by 2:30. "This is possible", I think. She says that they have time if I want to do it. All I want to do is get this over with so I can go be with Liz and my Red Door family. I do believe I was so much less concerned about my circumstance in light of losing a friend and being consumed with grieving for him and wanting to support his family and our friends.
In fact, I texted Megan after I decided to have the biopsy done and told her what I was doing. She asked me if I was ok and who was I with and if I was alone. I knew without a doubt, that I was indeed not alone. I was with Jesus. He is my all in all. When everyone else fails me, He is there. When it's late at night and nobody can hear me, He listens. When I feel tempted to fall into my emotions, He graciously reminds me of His Truth. I find rest in that. I clearly had a vision that, just like Jordan was always on mission, always realized that every person, every place, every activity was to build the Kingdom of God...this was no different. I realized that God could take one bad boob and turn it into an opportunity to share and love on those in the hospital, the surgeons, the techs, the whomever He wanted to cross my new path on this journey. If I say I'm willing to go wherever, then I need to perceive this as my wherever.
I was reminded of Pastor Wurmbrand's book, Tortured for Christ. He said that his mission was to share Christ with the prison guards and he saw it as his mission field. May I be like him and remember that this life is not my own and it is fragile and brief. I must use what time I have here to love others, share the Truth, and not forget my purpose.
Then came the biopsy. It was weird. No pain, just a strange sensation. The radiologist did it. She got me numb, which was the most odd feeling. A little pinch of the needle, then just pressure as she moved the needle all around and was pulling and pushing my breast tissue with the needle to get it numb. Then with the sound of a paper punch, I heard them clip pieces of the mass and lymph node out. I also felt the warmth of the blood down my side as they did it, but it was totally pain free!
I had not only not brushed my teeth since the morning before, but I had not eaten all day either, so I kinda was a little woozy, but stayed with it. The sweet nurse who helped assist was like an angel. She put her hands and arms on my leg and had a very healing touch. I told her so. She was there as a comforter from the Lord. She explained everything that would happen and we chatted about the accident with Jordan and his life and his love for Jesus. They all knew I was heading to his service so they were moving mountains to get me in and treated. They even bumped me in front of another patient to do it! After I was all cleaned up, they got me some food and lots of extra ice packs because they knew I would not be home for many hours. God is so good.
I made it to the Celebration of Life service by 2:35. I changed clothes in John's van, did not brush my teeth, but got gum and carried on.
This was my day.
I really don't care if anyone ever reads this. It may be my own 2nd healing journey journal that is never seen by another soul. Yet tonight at 3:26 am, it is what I need to do. One thing I sure learned from my first marriage was that I processed much better when I journaled. In fact, in all my 'infinite wisdom' in that area, when women come to me for love, support, and guidance when it comes to dealing with an unfaithful spouse, journaling is one of the most helpful activities I can offer.
So let me document some thoughts and facts a little first. 1. There is no breast cancer in my family. I'm told that's a good thing and my results are much more likely to be negative. 2. I just had a mammogram 10 months ago, so it's my hope that if there actually is cancer, it's early. Unfortunately, the radiologist told me that the lymph node under my armpit was 'slightly thickened' so she snipped a bit of that too...just to be sure. 3. I'm 49 and have the most amazing husband, the most beautiful marriage, a church family that simply rocks, and 2+2 young adult children that I adore and want to continue being their mom til I'm 100, guiding them, encouraging them, praying for them, laughing with them, crying with them, holding their babies, and watching them grow into the adults that God designed them to be. 4. My dear friend, Jordan Pieniasek, was tragically killed a week ago and as I witnessed how his life was so impactful to those around him, hopefully more in his death than in his brief 31 years, I have a vivid perspective on my own journey. My life is not my own. Period. Also, my life is fragile and as I round the corner to 50, I am aware of its brevity so much more so than when I was just 25 (last week). So whatever happens this week, when I get my diagnosis, I ask you Jesus to continually remind me of my purpose...in all things to give you glory. Shine your light where ever I am. Tell others of your goodness, forgiveness, everlasting and over the moon love for each one of us.
How I got to this point: A couple months ago John noticed that my left breast had a dimple, an indentation, a puckering...however you want to describe it. Basically, my boob wasn't round at the bottom when I lifted my arms up. I looked in the mirror and saw what he saw, but brushed it off to my nipple area getting cold...you know when the areola skin tightens and pulls the nipple. Now I knew that that was not how it should look, but I wasn't terribly concerned.
Fast forward to my partially torn rotator cuff. Yes, I need surgery. Yes, I am stalling on getting it done. I can function well enough at work and if I can just get some good PT in and take some anti-inflammatories, then I can stave off surgery until October, AFTER my wilderness vacations with my sweet hubby. But last week, I was getting ready for bed and remembered I did not do my PT, so I was already undressed for bed and in the bathroom, so I did my exercises in front of my mirror. Immediately, I saw it! That puckered left boob was pretty obvious when I moved my arm a certain way. This was on Wednesday, May 4th, 2016.
I went to work on Thursday and since I had a couple hours at the end of my schedule where I had no patients, I called the B North Breast center and scheduled a mammogram. I told them I would love it if they could get me in right away...like now. In God's amazing way, they 'happened' to have time to see me. So I got in at 4 pm that day. Unfortunately, the sweet lady at the breast center had to tell me that they could only do a screening mammogram, not a diagnostic one, which is what I needed since I had a symptom of a puckering in my breast tissue. I needed a doctor's order for that.
I hopped in my car, called Dr. Julia Lee (my OBGYN) and said I needed to see her stat and could she see me today (it's now 4:15 pm). They said if I could get there soon, she could see me. In 20 min I was in her office getting a breast exam. She saw it and said that it would be best to just start with a breast surgeon and gave me Dr. Jacquelyn Palmer's name. I called there (4:54 pm) and said that I needed to see her stat. They gave me an appointment for 9:45 the next morning, Friday, May 6th. Also the day we had our Celebration of Life services for Jordan. So I was set... I knew I'd get my mammogram and an ultrasound and figure this out.
I was actually thankful I had much more important things to do that night. God distracted me from worrying. I went to Liz', helped love on her, played with her kiddos, talked to her family that was in town, and got to listen to her practice reading her love letter she would read the next day at Jordo's service. I absolutely had no further thought about my boob that night. Since I was closer to the doctor's for my 9:45 am appt, and I was privileged to drive Liz and the girls to Mitchell's to get their nails done for their daddy's Celebration of Life service, I stayed at my new friend, Megan Lubbers, house. I did share with her in the morning what my 'doctor's appointment' was for and we prayed before I left.
The actual appointment was so surreal. I just wanted to get the mammogram and ultrasound over so I could drive 45 min home, brush my teeth (did not get to do that since I stayed unexpectedly the night before and was not prepared), change clothes, and go to Jordan's service. I wanted to be close to my Red Door family and continue with the needed closure that I knew this unfuneral event would have.
The breast surgeon saw the dimple, agreed to have the 2 tests done. I went in, squeezed into that machine in a few positions...done. Thankfully, mammograms are not uncomfortable to me, so it's totally no big deal to do that. Then I was escorted to the ultrasound room. It was easy too, however, I could easily see the mass on the monitor as she slid the warm jelly-covered wand over my breast. No surprise, since I knew something had to be causing the dimpling.
She got the radiologist, who was very competent and sweet...I just can't remember her name...Dr. Angus or something. She also used the ultrasound and explained that indeed, there was a mass and that the lymph node was slightly thickened so it would be best to do a biopsy.
I check the clock...11:00 am. I ask if I'll need to take time off work. Yes, a couple days. Check. That means I'll need to do it on a Friday. The next Friday I have off is in 2 weeks. I don't want to wait that long. So I ask how long it would take to do right now. She says 1.5-2 hours. I could be done by 1:00. The service is at 3, I need to be there by 2:30. "This is possible", I think. She says that they have time if I want to do it. All I want to do is get this over with so I can go be with Liz and my Red Door family. I do believe I was so much less concerned about my circumstance in light of losing a friend and being consumed with grieving for him and wanting to support his family and our friends.
In fact, I texted Megan after I decided to have the biopsy done and told her what I was doing. She asked me if I was ok and who was I with and if I was alone. I knew without a doubt, that I was indeed not alone. I was with Jesus. He is my all in all. When everyone else fails me, He is there. When it's late at night and nobody can hear me, He listens. When I feel tempted to fall into my emotions, He graciously reminds me of His Truth. I find rest in that. I clearly had a vision that, just like Jordan was always on mission, always realized that every person, every place, every activity was to build the Kingdom of God...this was no different. I realized that God could take one bad boob and turn it into an opportunity to share and love on those in the hospital, the surgeons, the techs, the whomever He wanted to cross my new path on this journey. If I say I'm willing to go wherever, then I need to perceive this as my wherever.
I was reminded of Pastor Wurmbrand's book, Tortured for Christ. He said that his mission was to share Christ with the prison guards and he saw it as his mission field. May I be like him and remember that this life is not my own and it is fragile and brief. I must use what time I have here to love others, share the Truth, and not forget my purpose.
Then came the biopsy. It was weird. No pain, just a strange sensation. The radiologist did it. She got me numb, which was the most odd feeling. A little pinch of the needle, then just pressure as she moved the needle all around and was pulling and pushing my breast tissue with the needle to get it numb. Then with the sound of a paper punch, I heard them clip pieces of the mass and lymph node out. I also felt the warmth of the blood down my side as they did it, but it was totally pain free!
I had not only not brushed my teeth since the morning before, but I had not eaten all day either, so I kinda was a little woozy, but stayed with it. The sweet nurse who helped assist was like an angel. She put her hands and arms on my leg and had a very healing touch. I told her so. She was there as a comforter from the Lord. She explained everything that would happen and we chatted about the accident with Jordan and his life and his love for Jesus. They all knew I was heading to his service so they were moving mountains to get me in and treated. They even bumped me in front of another patient to do it! After I was all cleaned up, they got me some food and lots of extra ice packs because they knew I would not be home for many hours. God is so good.
I made it to the Celebration of Life service by 2:35. I changed clothes in John's van, did not brush my teeth, but got gum and carried on.
This was my day.
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