Day 55 Yesterday Too Awesome to Blog...hence, Skipped Day 54

At 11:15 last night, I fell into bed and realized I had not thought about blogging all day because it was such a glorious day!

Not only was the weather idyllic, but I felt great all day. (Ok, I do get an occasional weird sensation in my brain like the drug is whooshing around in there and it feels like an instant headache, but it lasts for seconds, then goes away. And I still am experiencing rare sensations in the back of my throat that feels like a burning, but it also goes away in seconds.) Other than that, the breeze was dreamy, the temperature was perfect, the sun was shining, and I soaked it all in.

I spent the glorious morning in my gazebo visiting with a sweet young lady, Lizzie Simms, and we caught up on her new life as a bride and her family, but one thing she was able to help me with was a realistic expectation of how I might be feeling in the upcoming months, as her mama and daddy have both had cancer. Not that I liked hearing that it may get much more unpleasant, but at least hearing it prepares me for it even more.

I also slurped down some yummy sweet potato-pear soup made in my new Vitamix! So stinkin' easy, healthy, and delicious.

John and I also enjoyed some grocery shopping. This organic only shopping is crazy expensive. I need to just grow a garden. Oh...and I took some of my 10 year anniversary gift from my amazing boss and bought myself stainless steel pots and pans and threw away my old teflon ones. John is being very patient as I ransack my house and life of toxins.

Lastly, I had the pleasure of talking to my niece, Breanna, whom I have not connected with in a long time. My family is such a blessing to me and I am thankful for the genuine love and maturity she displayed as we reconnected. It's all you, Jesus! I know so well that we are all broken, sinful, messed up people, yet, You are what I choose to focus on because You alone are all that is true, right, perfect, and holy.  Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of forgiveness, even when I do it wrong, You are always right.

Day 53 Started a fundraiser...how uncomfortable!

Today I will say that I felt physically much, much better than last night. No back pain! Some decent energy! Therefore, I have spent the entire day researching cancer support groups, cancer side-effects and remedies, talked to cancer survivors, talked to friends, confirmed my wig order, and very little time has been spent on eating, resting, and sleeping.

It literally took me 3 hours to put together a gofundme.com account. My new contact from a local organization, Pink Ribbon Girls, called and was very encouraging and suggested I do everything I can to prepare for this upcoming difficult battle as she is a cancer survivor, herself. Thankfully, the organization offers rides, meals, and support groups that I hope to take advantage of soon.  As for the financial situation, I guess it is not in my nature to feel like asking people to serve me as I haven't needed financial help in my adult life. If I could just hit 'delete' on my cancer, I would, but this is a journey's walk, I must take one step at a time until it's finished.

So if you happened to see my https://www.gofundme.com/triciawonderly account, and were put off by it, please accept my apology, I don't mean to offend anyone. There are so many others with much worse situations out there, believe me, I know! However, I am going to be open-minded about it and just let it be what it is. Yes, I do have some savings which we are living off of now, thankfully. And in 3 months, I will have some long term disability monies help, too. But after talking to a few cancer survivors, I need to be realistic and I'll need more if I'm not working for a year.

Ok...I've been on this computer for HOURS! I'm turning it off, getting out my audioBible and chilling for a couple hours. God's Word needs to fill my mind now as I have choked it on cancer talk all day!

Day 52 Pain from Neulasta isn't so much fun as of today, meh!

As of this afternoon, I officially don't like the side effect of Neulasta!  About two hours ago my lower back started aching, and now it's simply spasming and hurts more than I expected. I thought that since I had the drug 6 days ago and had no effects from it so far, I was in the clear...but no.  When the nurse mentioned that it's common to feel the effects at day 7-10 the most, I realized that I may be in for some uncomfortable days.  I just arrived home from the oncologist appointment where they took blood and it looked good. Praise God!

Now I'm heading off to take a nap and have a date with a heating pad.

I did call the American Cancer Society today and asked about any organizations that help with different needs and I'll see what might be available there since I will have 3 months of no income until my long term disability insurance kicks in.

Too achy to type more.... :(

 Just woke up and the heating pad helped some, along  with Tylenol, but my energy level is about a zero. I've never felt so lethargic in my life since all this chemo started. It's so unlike me, but I don't even have energy to care or be upset about it.  One disappointment with that is the lack of cooking for myself. I don't really have the humpf to do much food prep, so I need to work on making a few meals and freezing them. With my strict eating  these days, I just need to find some meals and make them as asking anyone to try and help would be more than I am comfortable asking. Paleo + Dr.  Aukerman + my appetite = limited, restricted, hungry me. I will work on this tomorrow.

Day 51 Blogging Before My Hubs Returns

Woke up today tired! Got a bite to eat and went into my gazebo for about 3 hours and either lazed around or slept. Literally no energy.

Yesterday I found a really beautiful website of artistic turbans and posted today about my favorite ones. These are crazy expensive in my opinion, but if anyone sews and can create something like these beauties, I have posted my favorite ones. Like I stated in a post, I know I could rock bald, but I'd rather wrap my head in artwork!

https://turbandiva.3dcartstores.com/view_giftregistry.asp?id=851 If you click on it and want to purchase something, you'll need the password: RedWarrior

John has been up in Columbus for the weekend for the Special Olympics State Meet and should be home in an hour or so and I don't want to miss one minute with him, so I'll blog now and turn this computer off when he gets home.

Pray for my blood work tomorrow as I will have a CBC to determine how my white blood cells are doing after round 1 chemo. If I'm stable, I might try going in to work if the doctor allows me, but it will be to do something other than dental hygiene. That's ok...I can still see my peeps!

I missed  being at church today too.  First time in my life I wasn't ALLOWED in church!  This could be a long 5 months. Thankfully, I will listen on the recorded sermon of my friend and pastor, Josh Lenon. http://iamreddoor.org/sermons/thebride/

DAY 50!!! Today I Was Given A Gift By My Boss!

It's Day 50 since all this breast cancer talk started to be normal conversation in my life and today I was not only energetic, I was also given a gift by my amazing boss! Dr. Eric Henize, is first a friend, and after that, an amazing dentist and even more...a compassionate human who loves God and is displaying that through me!

With all this chemotherapy and my upcoming surgeries, I really don't know how long until I can practice as a dental hygienist again for him (possibly a year?), but he came by my house today, brought me beautiful flowers and a card from his family and we visited for almost an hour. He wanted to assure me that I would have a job with him whenever I return AND he offered to continue paying for my medical insurance like before, which will be thousands of dollars in a year! YES! He gifted me this generously without hesitation, other than to say he wished he could do even more!

I am so blessed, so blessed! God is so good. Answered prayer! Rejoice...answered prayer!!

Additionally, I was able to feel energetic all day and cooked, grocery shopped, and visited with my sister, Paula, and mom as if I wasn't even dealing with Chemo drugs.

They bought me a huge perennial plant today that will bloom in the spring when my cancer treatment and shoulder surgery will all be done!

And today, I found some super cute turbans online and my friend, Tina Morris, is working on getting some made for me!  I actually am excited to get them!  If you want to check some out, look on my facebook page today or go to www.turbandiva.com!!

Sleep should come easily tonight as I have been up since 4 am.

Can't wait for John to come home tomorrow to tell me all about Special Olympics State Meet in Columbus, OH. I had to miss it this year, but my daughter, Sarah, and our dear friends, Monica and Graham went with him and I'm sure they fell in love with the most loving people on earth!

Listening to Pandora right now...How Great Thou Art by David Nevue on his album, Adoration. Beautiful piano piece. It warms my heart.

Day 49 The Best Day Post Chemo Yet!

Today has been the most productive, the least queezy, the least sleepy, and the most energetic I've felt since Monday when the chemo poured into my veins!

Started my day out praying with Liz. She is experiencing being on her very own for a couple days without kids since Jordan died. These are difficult days for my dear friend.

I did sleep in until 9:30 am (unheard of in my non-chemo life!), and was a little lazy in the morning. But I was able to get a couple loads of laundry done and then the Miracle Crew showed up! My mom and one of my sisters drove down from Illinois to  mop, vacuum, mow, weed, wash, scrub, dust, vacuum, organize, cook, shop, throw away, declutter and generally clean my entire house, top to bottom! Someone must have given them caffiene because they were like tornados in my house for hours today and it's amazing how hard they clean and how helpful they were! My brain is so much better to have it look like this! We even got to shop at Dorothy Lane Market for some evening fun! And the best thing, was I did not nap or feel the need to nap all afternoon! I actually feel pretty normal, considering. It is the very best I've felt all week!

I am very thankful for this improvement and hope it allows me to work a little between chemo sessions in order to keep my self insured and active. I won't do dental hygiene due to immune suppression issues, but hopefully, I will be able to do something at the office. I'll find out tomorrow when I meet with my boss. He's pretty amazing, so I know he will do everything he can to help me through this crazy situation.

Day 48 A Pretty Good Day

When I woke up at 3 a.m. from a tornado-like storm outside, I did get a few crackers in me and before long we were all asleep again. Thankfully, today, I did not feel the need to have anti-nausea meds until tonight, so I actually went out to breakfast with friends and our kids, then went for a walk in our woods for an hour or so. It was awesome being outside in the fresh air. While we were in the Wonderly Woods, our friends graciously prayed over me and I am so thankful for such dear people in my life. I am so overwhelmed by the loving kindness and thoughtfulness of so many people God has placed for such a time.

Tonight I'm on my own as the kids have scattered and the hubs is playing hockey for a couple hours! I keep telling him how important it is for him to continue doing normal life activities, even if I cannot go with him.

I did make my first Vitamix drink tonight and had about 1/2 of it before I realized that my tummy just wouldn't settle. I think I waited too long to eat dinner and I thought food would calm my hunger/nauseousness down. It looked delicious with fresh pineapple, mint, and kale, however, I will see how the other half goes down tomorrow. I look forward to lots of easy fruit/veggie smoothies with that as cooking and food prep seems to overwhelm me these days.

Since my energy level is very low again today, I did ask the oncology nurse about it and she suggested that it's because my steroid they gave on Monday has worn off and this is a more normal energy level to expect with the chemo. Thankfully, though, my nauseousness is not anything to complain about today and now I'm putting myself to bed for hopefully another 12 hours of sleep!


Today, I started reading from a book I recently received called Thoughts To Make Your Heart Sing.

Psalm 90:14 "Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives. "

Day 47 A Very Blurry Day

I started the day around 5 a.m., and jumped out of bed because I was either hungry or nauseous and I remembered those nurses at the oncology office telling me, "Stay ahead of your nauseousness!" Since I know that today is the day that my anti-nausea meds are supposed to start wearing off, I did not want to test it, so I got up and made breakfast and took my rx meds for it.

Within an hour, I was sound asleep in my gazebo and napped til my sister, Karen, called to check in with me. She agreed that taking the anti-nausea meds was a good idea if I felt queezy.

My son, Jonathan, came down to visit and he and Sarah and I went to a friend's dad's funeral luncheon. I was in a blur the entire time and felt like it was an out of body experience all day. Literally, I could hardly hold a conversation, I felt like a zombie, and I just wanted to nap.

I did get a little energy and took my kids to Dorothy Lane Market and they sampled and tasted lots of goodies. While they were doing the beer and wine aisle, I sneaked over to the holistic section and found some special tea for what I have discovered is an unwanted side effect of some of these drugs. Suffice it to say, the tea I got is called Smooth Move. I'll leave the rest up to your imagination.

Came home, ate dinner and became a zombie all over while we all chatted in the gazebo. Literally, I nodded off and on the entire time. Finally, I decided I had to blog and then go to bed.

One very exciting thing about my day is that some dear friends shipped me my very own VITAMIX!! God is so good to me. Oh! And today, I got to put on safe, non-toxic make up thanks to my dear friends, the Petrovichs! Thank you for loving on me, friends.

I'd like to leave with a spiritually sage quote...but I'm too tired, so good night.

Still Day 46 Part 2 Blogging Too Late

This will be short and sweet.

Woke up with no nausea and only a mild headache that went away after eating. Pretty much felt this way all day except for more tiredness which was probably from a combination of driving to Hamilton, OH (1 hr away) and to Blue Ash, OH (another 45 min away) to bring Sarah to an eye and dental appointment.

I was able to see my co-workers one last time for a long while while there and it was so good. Holly Leonard even cleaned my teeth for me before my immune system is shot :) AND I got to see one of my favorite patients, Brett E. This all made my heart very happy. I admit, it was a bit shocking to walk in to the lunch room and there was a new face sitting at the table and this young woman was interviewing FOR MY JOB! It's no surprise, though, as I won't likely be back doing dental hygiene for about a year between my chemo, surgery, radiation and shoulder surgery! God will lead and direct us all in this uncertain time, but I know I will have a place there in the capacity I am able when the time is right.

I came home and napped and was awakened by neighbors, Barb and Mike, who brought us a gorgeous flower arrangement and cupcakes!

Tonight was the first night I did not attend Special Olympic floor hockey as my immune system needs to be protected as much as possible. Thankfully, Graham and Monica Binder are on the coaching team now and will help John every Tuesday.

To top off my night, Graham and Monica came over to help pull weeds, do laundry and clean my kitchen while helping John make dinner. Monica sent me a text this morning telling me NOT to touch the house as they wanted to do it for me. I am eternally grateful as I found myself very tired this evening.

So medically, I did have an On Body Unit of Neulasta. It's a drug that helps with white blood cell stimulation and supposedly can cause bone pain. It was in a unit attached to my arm since yesterday and 27 hours after my chemo, it injected into my arm. I did not feel a thing when it went in! When it was done, I simply pulled it off my arm. The only thing I've noticed it more tiredness. Hopefully, taking the recommended Claritin the day before, of and after will help that side effect of bone pain not be an issue.

Off to sweet slumber, as my eyes are falling shut while I type.

Oh...one more thing, God used one of my physical side effects of all this cancer stuff as a reminder to pray for my persecuted sisters. I could have been totally bothered by this symptom of a burning sensation in the back of my throat that happens just occasionally, but now when it happens, I'm thankful for the gently reminder to stop immediately and pray for a specific person.

So many cards came for me over the past few days too! Thank you, everyone for thinking of me and lifting me in prayer. Even my old auto mechanic told me he'd be praying...I'm eternally grateful.

Day 46 Part 1 Blogging Too Early

So my symptoms grew worse, but not terrible, as I imagine they will. I still have 2 bags of anti-nausea meds in me, so why I felt these waves of nauseousness and foggy-brain ache, I don't know. I did call the oncology office and they suggested I take my oral anti-nausea meds. What I did not know is that teeny tiny pill that needed to dissolve under my tongue would taste like bitter, 'spit-this-out-of-my -mouth' gall! I did have a major whining session for a few minutes with my daughter, Sarah Jean, and she kindly documented it with a video for me. If ever I thought that documenting these events would be to help some poor person going through this themselves, I was wrong! I would never want someone to have to watch what will possibly happen to them. It's better to just experience it for themselves, otherwise, it puts too much negative thoughts and possibly fear into their own minds. No, this is mostly for me to go back and realize just how faithful God is and will be through all this once it's all over.

I went to bed and fell asleep easily for 2.5 hours. It felt like about 6 hours! Now I'm awake.....

I told John to continue on with life as much as possible, so he went to floor hockey. He just got home a few minutes ago and wants me to come to bed with him. I'm afraid I'll just toss and turn as I don't feel sleepy. So in a few minutes, after I eat an apple, I'll try.

Before he came home, I did have a heart to heart with my Heavenly Father. I feel so inadequate spiritually. I don't study and read like I believe He would want, and I live in my flesh so often because I don't go to His Word as much as I wish. He is such a good and loving Father and I want to be more like Him. I did find that praying for my persecuted brothers and sisters around the world who are suffering SO MUCH MORE than me was where I needed to focus. It took it off my weakness and brought them to the forefront of my mind, which is much more worthy of my time. Thank you for teaching me so much about Voice of the Martyrs, Lord, so that I can remember Hebrews 13:3. "Remember the prisoners, as though in prison with them, and those who are ill-treated, since you yourselves also are in the body."

Day 45 Chemo Day #1

First Day of chemo.  My husband, John, and my daughter, Sarah Jean, came in with me for the whole visit which was very nice.  I went  in feeling normal. Had blood work done and I had good blood to start. Pumped me full of anti-nausea meds first through my port. Just started the first chemotherapy drug and ate a bite of dark chocolate and fresh raspberries. The Cytoxin made my head feel a little foggy, eyes watered and nose kinda tingled as drugs began to kill my cancer cells and pump through my body. I was in a great frame of mind the whole time. I got a little arm buddy that is attached to the back of my arm to dispense my Neulasta tomorrow. I flinched a second in anticipation of it attaching to my arm but it was no biggy.

After my very easy first chemo appointment, we went to lunch first and I broke my healthy diet to have a celebratory small scoop of Graeter's black raspberry chip ice cream.

Such an outpouring of love from so many friends and family today. Thank you!

When I got home I did start feeling foggy brained and woozy a little.  I checked with the doctor and he said that it's not uncommon, but I could take some antinausea medication or Tylenol if I needed it.

I  drove Sarah to her orthopedic appointment for a follow up and did pretty well driving, but definitely felt like I could only focus on one thing and don't feel much like chatting or making decisions. I just wanted to drive and get there so I can go home and lay down.

It's getting to be later in the night, and I'm definitely feeling more of a headache and more noxiousness. I'm gonna take some meds and hit the sack.

Jesus, I'm in your hands completely.

Day 44 Preparation Before Chemo Begins

John and I just arrived home after a very long drive from Illinois (7 hours) and we enjoyed a lovely dinner with one of his daughters, Kasey, at BJ Brewhouse.

On the drive, I removed my large 4x4 pieces of gauze covering my incision sites where my port was placed  as the tape was irritating it again. I think I am developing a sensitivity to adhesives.   While driving, I also read an article on what to expect for this day. I have a care bag ready with chap stick, snacks, blanket, water bottle, eye shade, lavender oil, and reading material.

I just bought  some special treats for my 1st chemo treatment tomorrow: 80% cacao bar, fresh organic raspberries, and  genoa salami!  I will get to enjoy these with my daughter and husband as they will be the ones to come with me tomorrow. My friend, Liz, was going to come, but she is needed with her children tomorrow much more. This will be a several hour event tomorrow morning.

I admit I have some concern for tomorrow, but in general, I'm in a good space mentally.

Day 43 Visiting family in Rockford Illinois

 John and I decided to come to Rockford to visit my family and spend time with them before my treatment starts. It's been a pretty quiet and pleasant visit. I'm hoping everything  with my port is OK as I've had a lot of strange twinges inside my body around the port and in my neck. I hope those sensations are a normal part of my body adjusting to this foreign object.

 Fortunately, I was able to sneak over to an old friend's house early this morning and spend a couple of hours with her!

Follow up: I called the doctor on call and asked about these odd sensations and he assured me it was normal.

Day 42 The Day After My Port Placement

Yesterday I really did not post anything as I was pretty preoccupied with my discomfort from the port, felt foggy-brained all day, and could not do a lot physically. I ran a couple errands to the pharmacy, which almost wiped me out.  I called doctors for my blood work results, since they sort of lost them for 2 days and we had to track them down. I had a series of emails and phone calls with a couple people that was very distressing, and had to meet with Bill Gaver, my cranial prosthetic specialist, aka, wig maker (that was just a weird appointment thinking of the reality of losing my long black hair), and enjoyed the company of Liz Pieniasek, my dear friend, who lost her husband last month to that tragic motorcycle accident. She brought over her 3 year old daughter, Zoe, who of course, immediately asked me what the bandage on my chest was for to which I had to explain a chemotherapy port in a way that made sense to a 3 year old. At the end of the day, I was spent, but I did get to sleep next to Liz as we talked and prayed about the timing of our life's events and how God is using these sufferings for His glory, despite our own personal failures and frailties. Becoming a widow at 31 and being diagnosed with cancer at 49 have nothing to do with each other, but somehow, God knit our lives together in a way that brings comfort to us both as we grieve what should have been and how incredibly vulnerable, exposed, and painful all this is.

Now John and I are heading out to visit my family so I can see my dad for Father's Day. I am looking  forward to seeing everyone before all this treatment starts as I may not see most of them until all this is over a year from now as I won't be up for much travel.

As for my port site...it's a bit sore and tight but manageable.

Day 41 Quick Question Regarding Essential Oils

I  have used several Young Living essential oils in the past couple of years. I just read an article that claim: cinnamon, Jasmine, chamomile, and frankincense are all supposed to be helpful and fighting against breast cancer cells. Does anyone have any real time experience with any of these oils used for cancer? I'm seriously considering wanting to get them as a daily regimen but would love anyone's personal experience feedback first.

Day 40 An Easy Day, A Day Full of Love and Support Beyond My Imagination

Today is the 40th day I have blogged since my diagnosis. It made me pause and think of the meaning of 40 in the Bible. Here is what I found:

The Meaning of Numbers: The Number 40

Mentioning 146 times in Scripture, the number 40 generally symbolizes a period of testing, trial or probation.

Well, that seems appropriate.

I started my day talking to my sweet friend, Liz, then showering with Hibiclens, the surgical antibacterial soap that was prescribed to me for today's procedure.  I never realized my showering would be part of surgery preparation.

Then Tiffany Acuff, a Red Doorian friend, kindly and sacrifically picked me up from Hamilton (about a 45 min drive) with her 3 young kids in tow, and drove me an hour down to Christ Hospital in Cincinnati. I got to get to know her a little better between all my texts and phone calls. It's amazing to me how people who have so much on their own plate and struggle with ample health issues of their own, can be so willing and selfless to want to reach out and help others, in fact, she looked forward to it. That's such a testimony of Our Father and how He loves us and give us such grace and how she reflected Him. Thank you!

I quickly got in to the treatment room, got my IV, blood work, and stats, then was rolled into the surgical room with a doctor I had never met before, Eugene Paik. Evidently he is very well liked around there as I heard nothing but great things from all the admin and nurses. I was not one ounce nervous being there, getting the procedure done, going under anesthetic, or while in recovery. It was so easy! I even cut it up and had a great attitude in chatting with the nurses.

My friend, Susan Muterspaw, then drove an hour from Lebanon and hung out with me for 4 hours in recovery, in the echocardiogram, and then we went to Findlay Market afterward for a little food shopping. I was able to treat her to a 'life-changing' waffle from Taste of Belgium.

I did get a little tired and maybe even woozy on the drive home because it was 5 p.m. and all I had eaten so far was one apple and a bottle of water.  But after dinner, I was great.

To top off my evening, I had a very special visitor that I have waited weeks to see and hug and share with. This kindred-spirit friend worked with me for a short time, but made an impact on my life that will last forever. We even had a  celestial show as she was leaving with God's promise of a spectacular rainbow.  We ate delicious food cooked by my amazing hubby, caught up on our families, jobs, and we even took a virtual trip to Quetico as I shared with her my photos and videos of my favorite place on earth. It was so nice not thinking about my new port and the bandage and tenderness that is now planted into my flesh all because Holly B was with me for a few hours. Good for my soul.

As for the bandage over my new port, the nurse must have put the bandage on when my neck was leaning down a little because when I try to lift my neck, it pulls and is uncomfortable. I can change it tomorrow according to the nurse. I am a little tender, but not anything unexpected.

I was thankful that God has given me a new mission field of people to talk about His goodness with. I would never have met all these people if I were not going through this trial. God is so adventurous and I'm trusting Him with it all.

My step daughter, Kasey, sweetly gave me a gift bag full of items that are so thoughtful: a soft blankey, green tea with ginger for nauseousness, a glass water bottle, and two lovely scarves for future head dressing! So over the top, Kasey...It meant the world to me!

So many texts and calls today, friends. I feel extremely loved and cherished by you all.

So as stated in the beginning of my blog, as much as Day 40 could mean the beginning of a trial, I see it as a trial that is so full of overwhelming and encompassing love, that I hardly noticed the trial part of it.

My prayer request for tonight is that this port will adjust to my body and no infection will ensue. I pray I will sleep comfortably and rest well tomorrow before I visit Rockford to see my family this upcoming weekend.

Colossians 3:15, 17

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Day 39 Second Posting for Today and IT ALL BEGINS TOMORROW

Today was crazy busy with a wide variety of events, activities, and scheduling.

Jonathan and his girlfriend, Marisa, stayed the night so we got to say good bye at 5:30 am as they headed out back to Michigan. So good to see my boy and just hug and hold him. I crawled in bed with him for a few minutes before he woke up this morning and he held my hand and stroked my long black hair one last time for a long time.

Then off to work for training in the sleep apnea treatment that we will be offering through the dental office. I called Dr. Henize on the way to the office to tell him about my oncology appointment yesterday because he needed to hear it from me directly that Monday my chemotherapy starts and I won't be working for 20 weeks as a hygienist...and probably even much longer with surgeries following that.

When I got to the office, my co-workers decorated the entire office, had gifts for me, and cake (no, I did not have even one bite!), and balloons because June 10th was my 10 year anniversary working for Dr. Henize. It was very lovely to be acknowledged by such dear friends. I received very generous gifts from them all and I felt truly appreciated and cherished.

The day consisted mostly of 7 hours of advanced training but honestly, as much as I paid attention, I was distracted multiple times with doctor phone calls as my chemo port surgery was scheduled and rescheduled along with my oncologic echocardiogram. So TOMORROW morning, I will be heading to Christ Hospital for the procedures.

I am so thankful that so many folks responded to my Facebook request to bring me to the hospital and back. Shout out to Tiffany Acuff and Susan Muterspaw who will be sacrificing hugely for me tomorrow, along with all the others of you who offered to help. My heart overflows with your love and prayers.

My one big Ah-ha moment today took place driving to work this morning. I was thinking about this whole going bald thing and wondered how I will actually process it once it happens. Then God gave me the vision of how being bald is such a vulnerable and exposed state to be in. It will take place during a season of suffering and pain in my life. This is similar to the Israelites and their circumcision. It happened to make these men/boys not only vulnerable, but exposed and in a state of suffering and pain. Yet God used that to remind them and now me of the utter dependence on Him, our Shelter, our Rock, our Salvation. He wanted to remind me that this is the dependence I need to remember even when I am not hiding behind a full head of hair, or anything else that we think we can hide behind or take for granted, like our security, our bank accounts, our health, our status, our kids, our accomplishments, etc. Without Him, I am nothing. This baldness will now be a reminder of my complete humility and vulnerability and dependence on Him. It won't take much effort to remember that that is how God wants me to be all the time in my heart toward Him. For a long time I will have a physical reminder of this and I will choose joy and thankfulness in my baldness as I remember much easier that state He wants my heart to be in all the time.

After work, we coached Special Olympics floor hockey and we told them all that I was sick and would not be back for some time as I take time to heal and get better. I am so thankful that God has orchestrated that Graham and Monica Binder, a young couple God miraculously put in our lives, are now coming to Tuesday night floor hockey with us and have stepped in where I will have to step out for several months. It's amazing to see how He worked that out. We had them up for a yummy John Wonderly grilling amazingness and laughed and shared life with them.

Now I am about to head to bed and I'm actually going to do a home sleep study test tonight to see if I have sleep apnea.

Tomorrow will be a new day, so I will deal with those emotions tomorrow as I have the port placed.

I ask for continued prayers for sound sleep tonight and that the doctor that will place the port will be on his/her game and focused on the details and that no infection will be allowed to enter my system and placement is perfect!

Day 39 It's 3 am. My Mind Is On Overload From Yesterday's News

I tried going to sleep. Tossed and turned. Thought too many thoughts that my mind can't keep up. Racing thoughts driving me nuts. Can't rest my mind. Solution...journal.

Sarah, my daughter, loves photography. She asked if I would want to do a photo shoot before my hair falls out. Yes...and no. Now that I think about it, will it drive home the fact that my hair identifies me now and I want to capture that part of me before it changes? And how will I view myself as I go through the hair loss phase? Ugly, less beautiful, undignified? I don't know. Will I want a photo shoot and document the losing of my hair, because that is what I will look like for months? Yet, it's still me. Oh, the stigma of this disease is one that is making me think about my external identity and how I view myself and how I want to glorify God in this process.

Next is the thought of inviting a young videographer into the privacy of my world through creating a documentary of this process. I will ask my friend, Stephen Sargent from Drive Media House. He is the one who kindly produced my flossing video as a gift to me. Want to see me with long straight HAIR? Check out my website at www.flossthink.com. Or I thought I would ask Asbury University if they have a media student who wants to specialize in documentaries if they have a student that wants an opportunity to record the real deal of daily life of breast cancer treatment. I'll  consider that too.

Next, I keep thinking about all the information I gathered just yesterday from both doctors and wondered how I will remember to implement it all. I need to get my blood work results back, figure out what supplements to take, and get on that right away because Dr. Aukerman claims that his cancer patients don't have as many side effects once they are on his protocol. Well, my treatment starts in a week, so I need to get right on it with starting my needed nutritional supplements. Then I am supposed to schedule for my port to be surgically placed THIS WEEK! And I need to think about meeting with a 'cranial prosthesis' person...aka wig maker, to have them see my hair style while it's on my head to they can create a wig similar to how I look now. That needs to be done in the next 2 weeks before I supposedly lose my hair.

Next, I need to figure out my work situation. Dr. Cody told me that he does not recommend I work as a hygienist while doing chemotherapy. I also won't be working with breast surgery or shoulder surgery. That could literally mean I won't be working as a hygienist for pretty much almost a YEAR! So what will Dr. Henize do to replace me? Will I lose my medical insurance? Can I work in some capacity at the dental office and still be a benefit to the office? My brain can't process all this! My kids have told me that they were thinking of starting a www.gofundme.com account. My first thought is that I don't need it. I have my emergency funds to help, then I have long term disability insurance that will kick in after 3 months of not working. I hope we will be okay financially. But I really don't know. I'm confused about what it will truly look like. Lord, guide me here too, please.

Mind racing still but I need sleep. I'll go try and lay back down and see what happens.

Day 38 D-Day #2

7 pm Just returned from Dr. Cody's appointment

I will make this brief as my son just stopped by for a little while to see how I am doing and I want to capitalize on visiting him.

In a nutshell, much to my chagrin, I will have chemotherapy.

It will start next week, and if I can get my port in this week, I am scheduled for Monday morning at 8:40 am for my first dose of chemo. I will have dense dose chemotherapy for a total of 20 weeks. I will heal for a month, then have surgery (lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy). I will heal for another month, then have radiation for 3-6 weeks. I will heal for another month, then have rotator cuff surgery and heal for 2-3 months. As it stands, God is taking my entire life in another direction for about a year. I was told I will not be working during most of this period.

These are the facts. I will give more details later, as there are many. But for now, I need to eat and visit with Jonathan before he leaves for Michigan.

How am I emotionally?  I don't really know. I will process and let you all know.

11:30 pm I tried going to sleep, but am lying in bed thinking...a lot!

To start, I guess I'm not surprised at this course of therapy, I just wished it was  different.  There are many things I could write about here and I need to just process them all, so if you want facts only, you can just read the first  part of today's entry.  If you want to hear my thought process in it all, then read on...who knows what will come out as I furiously type away and get this all out of my  mind.

My day started with a 1.5 hour drive to see Dr. Glen Aukerman. He has a book, Better Health in 120 Days, that I was required to read before seeing him. His appointment was much of a reiteration of who he is and how he got to this point of something called the WEE protocol in treating his patients. Basically, he educates people on their personal lab markers by drawing blood and testing for nutrient deficiencies. He also advises on foods that are unhealthy based on omega 6 fatty acids that cause toxicity, have latex-like proteins, and  suggests supplementation based on your personal genetics according to my blood work.

I then drove 1.5 hours to Springfield, OH to pick up my husband so that he could come to my oncology appointment with me an hour south of that. We arrived exactly at 4:40 pm. My friend, Liz, was thinking of joining me, but I never heard from her...I'm concerned and hope she is ok.

Dr. Cody is a very competent oncologist. I feel very good about him as my medical oncologist.

After much conversation, I learned that based on all my results, it will be best to start my therapy with aggressive chemotherapy called, dose dense sequencing chemotherapy. I will have a combination of Adriamycin and Cytoxan. This will be 4 doses delivered every other week for 8 weeks. These drugs are what will be the most difficult and uncomfortable to deal with. I was informed that I will lose my hair, develop mouth sores, get weak nails to where they may fall out even, and have nauseousness. This is all because the drug attacks the fast growing cells, aka, cancer cells, but also those good cells that produce hair, nails, and deal with digestion and blood development. I will also be given a new drug, Neulasta, on the day after my bi-weekly chemo cocktail that encourages white blood cell regrowth that stimulates bone marrow to produce the white blood cells, but also can cause aching and pain in my bones. Supposedly some women report that taking Claritin the day before, during and after this drug can help with the pain. I was written an rx for nauseousness already to have on hand for NEXT WEEK! Ugh. Then after those 8 weeks, I will have Taxol weekly for 12 weeks.

By this time I'm told I will be very tired, very bald, and be sick of ice! I guess that due to mouth sores, they put ice in my mouth to help reduce the sores. Sounds sexy to me! Not.

But to look on the bright side, I won't have to shave my legs for months! I can rock out any style wig I want, and will have lots of time to pray, write, hang in my hammock in my woods, and listen to great audiobooks.  On the not so bright side, I have a huge nose and so I probably won't be so cute sans hair, I may be puking or feeling like it quite a bit, won't be able to coach Special Olympics floor hockey for months, and most sadly, Dr. Cody strongly discouraged going to Jackson, WY in July and Quetico wilderness camping in September. In fact, my last chemotherapy appointment is October 31st which means my 50th birthday, which is September 29, 2016 will be on hold until 2017 so I can celebrate it feeling great!

Side note, his nurse, MaryBeth, gave me a prescription tonight for a 'cranial prosthesis'...seriously, that is the medical term for a wig! I'm told I can purchase great ones at the flea market too, as many women say it's a great place to shop for them. This is all surreal and just plain weird.

My hubby was such a trooper the whole appointment. He took my hand a few times to comfort me, but for some reason, I wasn't feeling overly sad during the appointment...I just listened and absorbed all Dr. Cody said. I even recorded the entire hour appointment so I could go back and re-listen.

He did tell me that he wants me to start as soon as I can. In fact, he wants me to start chemotherapy next Monday, which means I will need to get in to have a port surgically placed near my right collar bone this week. Thankfully, Dr. Cody said I could still travel to Rockford, IL to visit my family for Father's Day this weekend.

The nurse, MaryBeth, showed me the room where all the chemo patients get treatment. It looks like an old-fashioned salon with  chairs lined up against a glass wall except instead of ladies with their heads in those big dryer hoods, we each get out own IV pole! I will be in there for 2-3 hours each visit and will need someone to drop me off and pick me up as they don't want me driving for the first couple times.

After we walked out of the office, I felt my neck muscles tense up as my body digested this news. I felt a bit numb emotionally, like shock a little. I told John I just needed to listen to music as he drove me home so I turned on John Denver CD and zoned out a while. My daughter, Sarah Jean, called me so I answered and we talked. I realized I was telling someone for the first time as she asked me what happened. I still don't know how I should feel. I think I should cry, but I'm still a bit numb. When we arrived home, Jonathan, my son and his girlfriend, Marisa were at our house for a very short visit from Michigan. He seemed very concerned, but I tried reassuring him that I'd be ok. Then I had to call my mom. I thought I would be good telling her and I was, but I needed to wait until this moment to be strong enough to tell her. God gave me strength and I got through it just fine.

The rest of the night I simply enjoyed a nice dinner, sitting in my gazebo with family and then went to bed. Now here I am because I couldn't sleep. Tomorrow, you are   a new day and I don't have to worry about you right now. So good night and I will deal with you when it's time, but for now, it's tonight and I'm going to fall into the strong arms of my adoring husband.

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

And my life verses...

Psalm 73:23-26New International Version (NIV)

²³ Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

Day 37 The Day Before My Treatment Plan Was Lovely

I know tomorrow will etch a path that my life will take which changes everything. I am prepared for this. I am at peace with this.  I am the Daughter of the most high King and He has gone before me in this and knows  every day in my life and what it holds and will show me how to give Him Glory in it all.

Today church with my Red Door family was awesome. After, we had lunch with our dear friends, the Meswards, who recently moved back to Colorado. I was keenly aware of my sense of missing them when I got to church and it was so sweet to worship next to Brooklyn and hold her little man, Malachi, and then to have a private lunch with the 4 of us adults as we laughed, shared life, and look forward to our next time together.

Then after that I took a Sunday nap, did a little grocery shopping, enjoyed a little mowing of the grass, and then had a date with Mr. Wonderful as we watched the final game of the Stanley Cup at Stone House Tavern. I told him as we were leaving the pub that it feels like the last night of normal life. He promised to love me, support me, and be everything I need through it all.  I am so grateful that I have such a tender, loving, nurturing, willing, kind, gentle, husband.

Prayer requests...that Dr. Cody, the oncologist, will take everything carefully into consideration as he helps me understand the best direction to take my treatment. Also, I want to thank ahead of time Ruth Ann Pinnick who is planning on coming over tomorrow night to give me a complimentary hour massage as a gift! Jesus...you never cease to amaze me.

Day 36 Enjoying Summer And Learning To Detoxify My Life

Woke up and headed to Yellow Springs Street Fair. Met with my lovely daughter and her beau, Connor..er, I can't remember spelling. :(  Also walked around with John's daughters and grandkids for a while.  We were cooking in the 90 degree sun for a few hours, then we had enough heat and returned home to do some studying on Dr. Aukerman's book.

So many things I have done and products I've used that I never gave second thought to that are considered toxic or causes inflammation. They will be changing! I already stopped using antiperspirant, make-up, and hair color and nail polish. I already started shopping for as much organic, grass-fed, non-toxic foods as I could.  NOW...No more microwave. No more plastic storage containers. No more teflon pans. No more toxic shampoo, soap, detergents. No more sunscreen. No more regular grocery shopping. I need to get my brain wrapped around all these changes. I need to convince John that it's a new life for me and this will affect him too.  This is not going to be an easy transition for him, I'm afraid. I'm ready though! Bring it!

Spent the evening grocery shopping at Sam's and Whole Foods. We got as much organic, healthful, wild-caught as possible. Unfortunately, my lower back has ached all day and I've had a headache since we returned from Yellow Springs. I think it was too much sun and not enough water.

More later...need to keep reading Dr. Aukerman's book as it's required before I see him on Monday.

Day 35 Three Test Results And A Funeral

Today started with a gynecology appointment that went very well. I had a couple bumps that concerned me and the doctor assured me that they were absolutely nothing to be concerned about. Whew! When doctors give you have a cancer diagnosis...everything  scares you.

Next, the orthopedic doctor was willing to call me to give me my MRI results (which were online already anyway) and tell me that the lump on my lower back is not anything to worry about either, but just a fatty lump and if it caused me trouble, I could have it removed. Interesting note is that my dad and sister, Paula, supposedly have the same thing!

Lastly and probably the BIGGEST news medically is that my genetic testing for BRCA 1/2 (breast cancer gene mutation), was NEGATIVE!!!! This means that when I do have surgery, I will not need that double mastectomy or ovaries removed!  It also means that my children, sisters, and nieces and nephew don't have to randomly get tested for it, at least not from the Markise side of things. This is excellent news and ANSWER TO PRAYER!!

A great scheduling opportunity came up today as well. The doctor in Lima, Ohio who does nutrigenomics that I really wanted to see before all my treatment was able to move my appointment from July 21 to this Monday, June 13!!! THIS IS ANOTHER ANSWER TO PRAYER for me as I was really wanting to see this Dr. Aukerman. Because they could get me in, I did cancel Dr. Darnell, the first medical oncologist for Monday. I planned on going to Dr. Cody anyway, but just wanted to hear that second opinion. Now, I'll just stick to the one oncologist and be done with it. I still see him Monday at 4:40 pm.

Then the emotional part of my day was going to Spring Grove Cemetery and viewing Liz placing her beloved husband, Jordan Pieniasek's, ashes in the ground. This time with a small group of Jordan's family and friends was perfectly orchestrated with a steady rain and claps of thunder. It was as if the entire sky was crying with us. Words won't really do it justice to explain the moment in time when we gathered to say final goodbye's to Jordan. Michael Cassinari sang Liz the song Jordan was learning to sing to her as today was Liz and Jordan's 10th wedding anniversary. Liz invited everyone to feel free to place something in the space in the ground by his ashes that has meaning. I gave something that was symbolic for me as well as many people giving love notes, photos, and various memorabilia.

Tonight we had a lovely evening getting to know the Fieldens from Red Door Church. It was good, good, ooowhoaoo.

A quick call from my girl, Sarah Jean and I'm hitting the sack. Won't be long and this weekend will be over, then on to the big day on Monday.

Pray for the decision to have the most effective treatment to be clear to me and my team of doctors. It's still my hope that I will find a way to go on my wilderness camping trips to Wyoming and Canada in July and September!

Day 34 A Day with Healing Friends...Oh! And My Oncotype Results!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yesterday I was blessed to have another patient who is more a brother and friend than my dental patient. David S. is a pillar of faith, a humble and gentle, holy man that illuminates and radiates God's goodness. He shared and prayed with me and I am thankful that my Lord puts people in my life like him.  David, if you read this blog...I'd love to have you reply with all those awesome one liners that you said to me...too many to remember, but too good to forget! And thank you for your transparency with your own cancer and struggle. You gave me hope and strength and knowledge.

Then last night I got to have a sleep over with my sweet friend, Liz Pieniasek. This friendship, this deep kindred friendship...it's a bond that you can't just create without suffering and deep affection for each other and it's all because of our great Father who knitted our lives together 5 years ago! We had a date at Ollie's, went back to her house and she made me dinner...that Vegemix blender-thingy is a beast! I had berries, kale, spinach, protein powder, banana and fresh mint leaves blended into organic goodness. I got the joy of sleeping with her little lady, Lily Mae. I fell asleep holding her hand and praying over her as she struggles with the loss of her daddy.

I wonder where I will be next week at this time. I could be in surgery having my boob lobbed off. I could be pumped with chemotherapeutic drugs. I could be getting ready to go to Rockford to see my family for Father's Day. I could be working. So many options.

Tonight I have my a book study about living with my eyes focused on Jesus and living on purpose for Him. I decided to lead a young group of very special ladies in my life through this book, Rare, A Young Woman Who Fears The Lord, by Yvonne Hanson when God put it on my heart to do this. This study has been very disrupted with Jordan's death and my diagnosis and will continue to be, but I won't be stopped! Somehow, I plan on continuing to lead them, guide them, teach them, and learn from them. Somehow, I will complete what God put on my heart to begin.

Tomorrow will be another day that will be full of  insane emotions. I have: 2 doctor appointments (orthopedic doc to discuss my 2nd MRI & gynecologist to ask a few questions about some unknowns), Jordan Pieniasek's placement at the cemetery with his closest friends, family, children, and widow followed by a fun night of John Wonderly grilling out an amazing dinner for a couple at church that we are just getting to know. If this is God's way of distracting me from my cancer diagnosis...it's working!

Shout out to my Cuz, David Richardson!  You are, simply put, one of my favorite people on planet earth. I loved your voicemail. My back hurts, my shoulder hurts, but my boob feels fine! Glad Larry took option A vs option B and got outta town!

OK....the Oncotype results. I will talk to 2 different medical oncologists, Dr. Darnell and Dr. Cody, on Monday, June 13th to discuss how these results affect my treatment and get a final plan from a chemotherapy perspective. However, I learned that the results are in so I asked Dr. Manders, my breast surgeon, to give me the results. Her nurse, Sue, answered many questions and was helpful and explained it to me. So oncotype scores are from 0-100. The higher the number, the better my cells will respond to chemotherapy.  It evidently determines what percent my body would have a recurrence of breast cancer in the next 5 years. So my score is a 29. This is on the high end of intermediate as 0-18 is low, 18-31 is intermediate, and 31 and above is high chance of recurrence within 5 years. Therefore, I have a 17% chance of recurrence of cancer within 5 years with Tomaxafin or another estrogen binding drug and a 14% chance of recurrence of cancer within 5 years with Tomaxafin AND chemotherapy. This score is factored in with the fact that I have positive lymph nodes.  Sue said she cannot state what the medical oncologist will recommend, but since I have positive nodes, I may be more likely to have chemo recommended. On the other hand, if I only have Tomaxafin, my symptoms won't be so severe as chemo and my white blood cells won't be affected like when taking chemo, so if that's the case, I may still work after healing from surgery.  All that said, and I still don't know where I stand on the whole chemo thing until Monday.

Day 33 A Normal Day is Such a Blessing

Nothing happened yesterday that didn't feel like a regular day. I can't say how much I appreciate normal!  I worked 8-5 , played floor hockey with our Special Olympics friends at the YMCA, came home, made dinner, made love and fell asleep in the arms of my beloved husband. These days of normal are Wonderly Wonderful. Thank you Jesus. I do not take them for granted.

Day 32 MRI results of lower back

Here is what it says on MyChart...not exactly sure what it means but I meet with the doctor Friday.

IMPRESSION:

Minimal spondylotic changes in lower lumbar spine without evidence of
any significant canal or foraminal stenosis.

Day 31 Back On Track Emotionally and My Wish List

Dear loved ones,

Thank you, each one of you, for your supportive words of encouragement, your prayers, well-wishes, and love!  God used each of you to heal my heart on a really rocky day yesterday.

Today, my day started out feeling a little better, but I still felt..."meh" heading off to work! Thankfully, it got better as the day went on.

First, I received an inspirational video of a young blind boy singing, "Open the Eyes of My Heart", followed by a phone call from one of my dearest friends, Liz Pieniasek, followed by a day at work with such caring and loving patients/friends who filled me with their hugs today.  Then after work I got to go to a bluegrass concert with the Muterspaws! These dear friends are good for the soul! We simply laughed and enjoyed some amazing bluegrass by the Haddix Family in Hunter, Ohio. It's a really healthy distraction to be with people you love, doing fun things together, especially since I know these opportunities are coming to an end for a while til I'm back on my feet after treatment.

I  don't really know what happened yesterday, but suffice it to say that I don't care for  those kinds of days and  I'm glad I was pulled out  of that hole!

I know June 13th will be here soon enough and I am so thankful that my husband, John, and friend, Liz Pieniasek, will be with me for the oncologist appointment when I get my treatment laid out for chemo or not chemo before surgery and radiation. Thankfully, I have been offered a gift of a free massage in my own home by Ruth Ann Pinnick (Josh Lenon's sister) and I think I'll ask her if that night will work. I have a feeling I'm going to be emotionally worn out that day.

I've had many people ask me how they can 'help' me or what they can do.  My first reaction is to say that I don't need anything but prayer. It's true! I covet your prayers. And...It's really weird asking people for things, so I don't even want to  because I've never needed to ask for help since I started working 30 years ago. And these aren't really 'needs, per se, but wants at this point. However, there are a few things I'd really like but don't feel like I'm being responsible with my finances to buy them seeing I may be out of work for 4-12 months, depending on treatment. But since my diagnosis, I've avoided lots of things deemed, 'not good for you' and haven't worn anti-antiperspirant, only put on a 'little' make up twice in the last month because I   was going on a date with John, and I won't color my hair or do my nails anymore.  I've also chosen to eat much cleaner...organic whenever possible, and am looking into auto-immune paleo food choices,  and appropriate supplements for healing. I want to stay as non-toxic and pure in what I put in/on my body  so I'm the best steward of my health as I can be.  That being said, I would really like to feel 'safe' wearing 'healthy' deodorant,  non-toxic make up,  and eating better food choices.  So after some research, I have some specific brands I'd love to have so I feel good about what I'm consuming. If anyone is interested in helping me get a few of those things off my short wish-list, contact me. Again, I'm just saying that this is awkward and weird even sharing....but so many ask, I thought I'd be honest about it. (Deb Slanaker...you are right, I need to learn to receive...it's SO UNCOMFORTABLE.)

Day 30 Mixed Emotions...Weird Day

Today is weird.

Church today was outside in a beautiful setting with some of my favorite people on earth. Yet, on the way to church, I had one of my first bickering conflicts with my amazing husband and had my feelings really hurt. Mostly, he said something that was a huge trigger for me and it hurt deeply. We resolved it before getting to church, however, my feelings were still raw. Then I felt like I had my head bit off by someone when I was just trying to say something nice. Then my sweetest friend, Liz, who recently lost her husband was also having a crappy day and it makes me so sad to see her deep pain. Then someone else shared a story about her breast cancer and it reminded me about my diagnosis of cancer and the upcoming surgery/chemo. Not that it's a bad thing for people to share, but my head wasn't really in that space.  I wanted to just enjoy the day and feel normal and sing and have a picnic and laugh. (By the way, if you are the person I mentioned here, no worries...I was just not in a good space. I know you did not mean it and I know your intentions were good.)

Then after all that, I enjoyed the fact that I WAS with so many caring and loving friends, I do have a God-sent husband, I am alive, and one of my favorite worship songs was sung by my little friend, Mic. I loved that. I also was able to see John's grand-daughters in a dance recital...too cute! I love those little girls' hugs.

But when I was driving home from church and sitting at the recital, I felt like I was having this new shooting aching pain in my lower back and sciatic area.  My mind raced to the thought that I'm dying and my body must be full of cancer! Stupid. I know. But when you just don't know what all is happening,  you get scared sometimes....this felt like a legit fear and thoughts can race.

So today I feel sad. And mad. Today I am not so strong.

I came home and checked out Facebook and watched a video of a young man who thought he was having a 'bad' day and then he saw a woman who was in her car reading...and she was bald. He felt suddenly moved to go buy her flowers. So he did. She was touched and cried. He had a new perspective on his 'bad' day and found thankfulness as he realized that our 'bad' day could be much worse. Then I realized something else that hit me...I may soon be THAT woman. In a few weeks, I may be bald. It's all too weird.

I was doing so great before today...I felt so ok with all this and accepting of whatever comes my way. I know I have a good God. I know He loves me. I know that He'll never leave me and He is in control. However, my emotions are fragile today and my heart is heavy.  I just want to crawl in my bed and hold John and pretend this is not happening.

This is my weird day.

Day 29 You Should Be Able To Reply To My Blog Now

I have had a few folks tell me they wanted to reply to my blog but were not able to. I learned that if you do not have a blogger.com account you were not able to unless I changed my settings...so I did!

So feel free to try and hopefully, I will get your replies. 

Day 28 Best MRI experience!! and no Valium needed :)

Today was my 2nd MRI at 7 am. I wasn't even anxious, thankfully, even though it was face up. Thankfully, my dear friend from Jackson, WY called me 5 min before going in 'just to see how I was doing'!  Funny how timely God works to have one of my greatest prayer warriors 'randomly' call just before my procedure. We prayed and I went in. It was seriously the most relaxing, peaceful hour of my week. I was all tucked in and wrapped up in a warm blanket and prayed, thought, and dozed off for the whole banging experience.

Worked and am struggling with my rotator cuff pain quite a bit. Ugh! Sleep is the worst. I must toss and turn all night trying to get comfortable.

Tonight it was good for my soul to attend another event with my Red Door Church family. I'm constantly reminded of the love that surrounds me. These people are my people and I am thankful to know I'll spend eternity with them all! Such a sweet blessing to visit with Zak and Brittany and cuddle with their little 2+ month old, Pete. I like those people. I told John tonight that it really stinks that I have to deal with this treatment and will likely feel pretty cruddy because I'd love to have so many old and new friends up for dinner and an evening in our gazebo this summer.

John told me that if I have to have weeks/months off work, he will string up my Hennessey Hammock in our woods and come out and check on me throughout the day while I'm healing. I can be resting in our woods and read or listen to music or sleep outside under the shadow of the Almighty.

Great conversation with Sara Godbey tonight. Such a tender and sweet young woman. She was very motivating and informational. Now I can research, not only Paleo, but auto-immune Paleo and be even more healthy. Plus she shared a non-toxic deodorant brand and make-up that I can use safely. Whew!  John and I are both relieved. This stinkin' and dark circles under my eyes is getting old. :)

Day 27 Telling Patients...especially Kate R.

Although my days seem to feel mostly normal still, I have experienced that this is a time to share the news with some of my closer patients. Some I can just tell straight out and others, I struggle to tell. I had one of my all time favorites in yesterday and we had such fun together and laughed so hard and she was in such a good mood and so grateful to be at the dentist (I know, it's weird that she loves coming to the dentist that much, but who am I to judge!) that I only could send home a note card with her that had my blog info and a short note saying that I just did not have the chutzbah to tell her and be a downer on such a wonderfully awesome visit to see me! I got to pamper her and take the most excellent care of her that I know how and it just wasn't the right time. So, Kate, when you read this, know that yesterday was one of my most memorable dental dates with you and I look forward to hearing from you soon. Feel free to call me.

I am so blessed to have such a rich group of friends that happen to be patients and care so deeply about my situation. Hugs to each one of you for your love and concern and prayers!

Day 26 Another MRI needed!

I am so thankful that yesterday's results were unchanged from the previous biopsy report, and no new undiscovered breast cancer is involved!

However, I have struggled with lower back pain for over a year where I have felt a nodule there that is tender and my back has ached for too long. Doctors have said it's weakness in my core that is causing soreness so I assumed they were right. Now that I have been given a positive diagnosis by the doctors for lymph node cancer...it makes me wonder if there is more going on than just in the breast, so I went to the orthopedic doctor yesterday regarding my torn rotator cuff and the pain associated with it. He agreed that I could have a cortisone shot in my shoulder a couple weeks before my breast surgery to help with the surgery and following recovery. While there I asked him to palpate that spot on my back to see if he had concerns. He said that he does not think it's a lymph node and would not assume it has anything to do with the breast cancer, but he agreed that he does not know what it is and wants me to have another MRI to find out what it is. So Friday morning at 7 a.m., I will drag myself  into that dreaded tube again. This time I will be doing it sans Valium because I need to drive myself and go to work afterwards.

I also was referred to Dr. Glen Aukerman in Lima, Ohio and am taking his first open appointment on JULY 21!! He is an integrative doctor and will work with me on the best nutrition and supplementation during any other treatment I will be undergoing. Thanks to Phil and Sandy C. for recommending him.