Naked, But Tasteful Photo Warning

It brings me unabashed joy to say that I had yet another wonderful day despite a bump here and there!  I say, “My healing has happened eternally and my body is just catching up!” Recently, I read Psalm 41 and this verse profoundly struck me as I acknowledge that God’s Word is living and active and speaks to my soul! This photo was me on my Girl’s Weekend in Lake Tahoe last year. I felt free and healthy and was praising my God for the gift of another Girl’s Weekend. It is my hope and prayer that this year, our 10th anniversary on a consistent Girl’s Weekend, that I will be able to stand free and healthy again. 

The day started with realizing that I think I’ve picked up a little sinus infection and I’m quite stuffy but feel good. Praying I’ll heal quickly and it won’t turn into coughing! 

Then I watered my zinnia in anticipation of the beauty and joy they’ll bring in a month or so!

This morning I had the joy of helping out my friend who needed a little dental attention. I got to take her to my dental office and the crew there was absolutely wonderful to see!! I love those folks!! Afterwards, I picked up salad fixings and headed home to nap. John and I planned a dinner date at his shop where he’s working on our WonderVan. As I prepared our salad, I did what any logical dental hygienist would warn you to NEVER do!! I needed a little help opening a plastic container tab and my hands weren’t strong enough so what did I do??!?! Used my teeth!! I saw my Veneer go flying across the kitchen!! Thankfully I know a great dentist!! So how do you wow your husband on a dinner date?? Go bald, semi-toothless and wear no dangly earrings or lipstick!! Thankfully this man isn’t affected by my physical appearance but sees me as beautiful regardless of my looks!! That’s a praise and miracle too!!

Bike

 Thanking God in a BIG way today because I felt well enough to ride my bike. Granted it wasn’t in the woods and over roots, but I did ride it for 2 miles in our subdivision! And it may not have been an over my head, hold the bike photo, but I know my limits right now. 

It was just a good productive day over all. The only thing I didn’t do that I wanted to was visit my bench. But I even went to my friends in Springfield tonight while John played hockey. 

As for how I’m feeling, so much better mentally! I did take a nap this evening and I am noticing how I’ll catch my breath a few times but it’s still so much better than it had been. In fact I had the oxygen company pick up my oxygen machine and large tanks today because I just don’t need them. My poor little nose is all cracked inside still however I’m sure I’ll Heal in time. 

A Much Better Day

Yesterday’s rant was a day off. Today I’m feeling so much more like myself, mentally. Upon waking, Cousins Pam, Todd and I went to the woods where my temporary bench is from Carl. I nailed to it an olive wood cross from my friend, Tina. Now anyone who has the privilege of discovering and sitting on my bench that’s tucked in the pine trees at Hoffmann Reserve can physically touch a cross that’s made from olive wood from Bethlehem and be reminded of the gift given for all of us. 

I spent much of the day relaxing and napping at my friend’s house where her son had his tonsils removed today. What does one do when that happens? You have DoorDash bring a few pints of Yagoot to soothe his tender throat!

Went to see TopGun Maverick tonight with friends. 

 Then was sent THIS glorious photo of the woods where my temporary bench sits. My Angel Carl shared this sunset there. God is just waiting for me. I will arrive tomorrow morning to sing, pray, and worship my Creator! 

Some PG13 & a Little Rant

 I really REALLY hate chemo!

Today I thought I’d be feeling more normal since last Tuesday’s infusion. But I’m not. I don’t feel like myself. It’s an out of body experience. It’s like I know I’m me but I don’t think like old me. It’s messing with my thinking. Plus my body is just working altogether wrong or differently this afternoon. My mouth is dry and tastes bitter all the time. I’m tired all day long. I don’t have energy to talk about much. 

PG-13 comment: I can’t have sexual relations with my husband normally because my skin in all those tender places are messed up. I have a burning tongue, the corners are cracked on my mouth, my nose bleeds or is sore and cracked every day. I now have diarrhea after just 6 days instead of 20! Food tastes terrible. I mean really terrible. Water tastes bitter. Not good when one needs to stay hydrated.  I can’t comprehend normally when reading so I don’t read much anymore. Chemo isn’t for sissies!

I want to feel like myself, but I’m keenly aware that I’m not. I think it should be just short-term because I’ll only have Taxotere for 4-6 more treatments. But what if my brain doesn’t go back to thinking like it did? What if it’s not the Taxotere that’s making me feel strange and it’s the other 2 drugs that I’ll take for the REST OF MY LIFE?! I don’t really want to be around people as much as before because I’m not me inside. Plus I’m just tired all the time. I’m trying to think and act like the old me but it’s not working well. My thought life is getting so strange. I’m off. And I don’t know what to do. I called the oncology office and they informed me that all those things are normal from chemo and some of the symptoms will get worse with each infusion!

This morning all I did was bring my friend to her mammogram appointment and I wasn’t a great support for it, at least not like I wanted to be. 

When I got home I napped for hours in anticipation of my cousins coming in from Illinois. Thankfully as the evening went on, I did begin to think and feel more like myself and so I’m hoping tomorrow will be a great day! Tonight they brought us dinner and we had a camp fire in our Solo Stove. A lovely night with some of my favorite people! 

Sitting outside by myself now & waiting for the fire to die down and I’m worshiping my Heavenly Father before I go off to bed. Praying and hoping Tuesday will be a better day. 

On The Upswing

The chemo side effects seemed to be my focus this morning. Woke still noticeably aware of everything I described yesterday. So I laid in bed, tried reading Scripture, watched the last episodes of The Chosen, napped and slept it off. At about 2:30 pm, I felt a bit of energy and slight normalcy so I headed to visit Liz and we sat in rocking chairs on her front porch, walked around her farmette, visited with LillyMae, sang in the rain and got to hold her Baby J. Rich blessings the Lord lavishes on me every day!

My son visited for a few hours so I took him to my bench where we talked about the important things in life, like living life to the fullest, being present, seeking real purpose in our lives and being grateful for each other. We soaked in the Pines as we sat on the bench and I shared the miraculous story of how it came to be and then on our way out of the park, God timed it perfectly that Jonathan actually got to meet this Angel Carl who built me the temporary bench. There are no mistakes. 

Looking forward to improving every day after these drug’s nasty side effects wear off. I will do my PT. I will read 3 chapters of Scripture daily. I will exercise. I will ride my bike this week. I will praise God for another day of life. I will not take Breathing for granted even though I’m breathing much much better. I will see a million little miracles before my eyes. I will choose joy. I will love more deeply. I will sit on my bench and pray and worship the Creator of the universe. I will not be ashamed to give God ALL the glory. 

Mae day

Shorter blogs when I feel like this. Basically the steroids are completely out of my body, the chemo side effects are kicking in and I don’t have energy to say much. Food started tasting really bitter and metallic-y again, my fatigue is through the roof, my brain fog has started, mouth is cracking, tongue is burning and I’m rather pathetic. Hopefully I can keep nausea at bay. The diarrhea hopefully won’t happen again but I’m ready if it does. The best part of this is it shouldn’t last but a few days. Although the diarrhea didn’t start until 20 days after chemo, so I’m hoping it’s not going to happen.

Slept much of the day off and on. However, I got the gumption to do a little housework and for that I’m thankful but, admittedly, it took a lot out of me.

Some fun news is that our license plate for our Adventure Van that we are calling the WonderVan finally came in. John will continue to build it out in anticipation and hope that we BOTH will be able to take many a trips in it in the upcoming years!

My friends Liz and her daughter, LillyMae, came by with watermelons and LillyMae stayed to help me for several hours. She made me carrot  juice, watered my zinnia, did PT with me and went grocery shopping with me! That was A LOT of activity for me on a day like today and I’m thankful I forced myself to do it. 

Watched The Chosen series this evening where I’m reminded of the sweet, sweet affection Jesus has for me and I find myself feeling closer to Him every time I watch an episode. 

Tina Day & Steroids Fading

Today started out perfectly. Wrapped in a loving husband’s arms as I open my eyes. As of this morning, I was feeling well 3 days out post chemo treatment.  Reading Scripture with my sissy and then I spent the next 2 hours at my ‘Carl’s Bench’ in the Echo Valley Pine Grove. Just in case my Angel Carl appeared, I brought a mini red solo cup for us both so we could share our first cup of tea together. After soaking in the pine scent, the bird’s singing, the sunshine in my face and the first moments here by myself, who showed up but the Angel himself. 

Then spent the day with a long time friend from when our girls were gymnasts. This rock, this fence post, this jewel of a friend and I haven’t spent much one on one time together in…. years! Yet it didn’t seem like that. We enjoyed lunch and a ride into our Wonderly Woods then I took her over to my bench to see for herself this special place. Just a delight to spend time with people we love and feel like God continues to orchestrate it all!

It really wasn’t until 5:00 that I started feeling a bit tired so I crawled in bed and napped. On the recommendation of my sister, I’ve ordered something called Kachava to easily make smoothies. Hopefully I like them. 

Other than that I can say that this evening I started to feel much more chemo yucky. Foggy brained, tummy upset, tired and apathetic. I’ll slip into bed and hope it’s better tomorrow. Regardless of how I feel, I’m blessed and thankful. 

A Bench Gift Miracle

Had a great night’s sleep without waking up once in 3 months! As I awoke, I wasn’t sure if my tummy was starting to get hungry or if chemo nausea was starting so I decided to get something to eat right away. Fortunately it was hunger and it assuaged easily. This sensation occurred several times throughout the day but by 4:00 pm, I decided not to tempt fate and took a Zofran for nausea.

My dear friend, Andrea, offered to stay with me all day so we started the day with a hike in the woods at Patricia Allyn/Hoffmann Reserve Park by our house. It’s one of my favorite local hiking places to go and I always make sure I walk through the pine forest grove. There were Township workers cutting brush and honeysuckle so we stopped over to see what equipment they were using because Andrea has over 100 acres full of honeysuckle and wanted to scope out the process. A very friendly worker hopped off the machinery and explained who, what, why and how the cut trails and park came to be. I asked him if there were plans for a bench in the pine forest because it’s one thing I would love to do is to be able to just sit, worship, pray and soak in the scent and beauty of that little slice of heaven on earth. I had an A-ha moment. So many loving people have asked what they could do to support me during my healing and I finally have a grand idea! What if I have a bench made for me and donate it to the Echo Valley Pine Forest for us to have a sacred spot in these woods to sit and enjoy? He thought it was a great idea and we exchanged contact information. Four hours later I received this text from my Angel, Carl!!

This man spent his precious time clearing a perfect spot, building a bench made from a felled tree and positioned it perfectly just for me!!! So immediately Andrea and I went back there and sat on this beautiful gift from a beautiful human! So until I have a permanent bench built, I will have Carl’s bench to go and sit in this place. 

Of course, I was filled with intense gratitude! It actually made both Andrea and me cry that some perfect stranger would carve out time out of his day to create such a treasure for me until mine is built!! So what did I do? I went back and sat on my bench and sang Gratitude with tears in my eyes at God’s miracle once again! So I guess it’s official, I’m getting a bench made just for me with my name on it! So if you wanted to do something meaningful for me during my healing journey, here is one idea where you could support me. Feel free to reach out if that’s what you feel led to do.

Another bright spot in my day was getting a sweet text from my daughter showing me the ultrasound of my granddaughter!!

As for how I’m actually feeling 2 days past chemo, I think considering what all has been pumped into my body, I’m doing really well. Breathing was just a little less effortless today but not anything like a few weeks ago. Nausea was kept at bay. I didn’t need to nap and got quite a bit of activity in. So all in all, I’m thankful I did so well today. But now I’m ready for sweet slumber. 

Please Pass the Steroids…And Thank You

Up at 4:00 am!! Gotta love steroids! Today is going to be filled with lots of boxes to check off my to do list! Water zinnia at 5:00 am…check. Ate avocado toast breakfast at 5:15 am…check. Cleaned kitchen at 5:30 am…check. Read Ephesians 1-3 at 6:00 am…check. Read Psalm with Liz at 6:30 am…check. Laundry started at 7:00 am…check. Swept the sidewalk, ate second breakfast all before 8 am… check, check, check! 

It’s now 11:00 pm and my day is practically done and it was filled with the most beautiful encounters, heart felt discussions, spiritual highs and joyful laughter! Today has been truly one of my favorite days since all this crazy started from start to finish! God was in it all!!! From a moonlit sunrise to cues from birds to share a very unexpected God moment with one of my dearest cousins to a call from my encouraging future mountain bike coach turned friend and so much more!! No shame, Jesus governed my day! 

Doni O filled my day with oodles of love. She took me shopping for a very special need. When John and I go to Columbus for my chemo infusions, we often have a cooler and two or three other purses or bags to carry all of our things for the day since they end up being a 12 hour day start to finish! I decided I wanted to get one bag for everything and after shopping at four or five stores, Doni helped me find the perfect bag! I ended up ordering it on eBay because I wanted one that was perfectly functional but also sparked great joy at the floral design that is one is very Tricia – ISH! 

I got to have a long awaited for phone call with one of my absolutely favorite people on planet earth but she’s not one to like her photo taken so out of respect, I honored her request to not post my screenshot of us, but the kindred spirit between us is like none other. I love you deeply WT!  This is a photo of me a few years ago at her farm though so at least I can represent a tender moment with one of her creatures. 

Then two lovely human beings came to spend the evening with me and we had a solid night of real life, no superficial anything, only authentic conversation. We played cards, we munched on buttery popcorn, we shared from the soul, we laughed and prayed & I was infused with so much love! I was given cards and gifts from other coworkers who weren’t even here! This office has a special spirit that makes me feel so blessed that I got to work there for one year because I know I will have life long friendships regardless of my work status there. Love you both Chloe and Topher. Donk! 

And a praise health wise is NO nausea at all today so no anti nausea meds!! Just jazzed up on the steroids. 

Chemo Day at Stephanie Spielman Cancer Center

My day started at 2 am because I was instructed to start oral steroids prior to my chemo today. I got lots done from 2-6 am including reading my 3 chapters a day in Ephesians. I came across this verse that I really loved. 

It’s a James Day ALL day. Had a PT assessment by Julie and for the most part she said I’m strong however she noticed some weakness in my hips and legs so got a PT plan to strengthen my core so that I can and will mountain bike again!! 

In fact, John is researching places to take me to ride on “rails to trails” trails in beautiful places like Virginia Creeper Trail in VA and Hiawatha Bike Trail in Idaho and Montana!! I can’t wait till I’m strong enough to go!! 

Accessing my port and blood draws was next. I love it when nurses have a sense of humor. Here Diedre pretended to be Nurse Ratchet and acted like she was stabbing my head!! 

Next was meeting with my Nurse Practitioner to review my progress and while she didn’t say that she believed in miracles, she definitely was in awe of my progress! She wasn’t comfortable with me posting her photo so I doctored it up for her protection. 

Last is chemo. I should be done in 2 hours and they just gave me 50 mg of Benadryl to start so I’m going to post now because before you know it, I’ll be asleep and drugged. 

This is not for sissies!

Arrived home and was a bit groggy but the Benadryl was oral and not via my IV so for some reason it feels like it was out of my system faster. One of my BFFs stopped over to see how I was doing and watered my zinnia and now I’m ready to crash and burn. Thank you for taking the time to read about my day. It means so much that so many are concerned, call and pray for me. This girl is going down!

B is for Beautifully Bald

Thank you to anyone who said a prayer for me yesterday! I woke up at 3 am and took my last Imodium and today I was Grrrreat all day! A little dehydrated perhaps in the morning because I felt sluggish, but some Pedialyte saved the day!!

On this day I helped my friend, Sarah Marie, pick 4 lbs of mulberries, went to my dental office and got to see my peeps, get lots of big hugs and get my teeth cleaned. 

Then came home and helped John make homemade applesauce! If I’m going to need the fixings for the BRAT diet, I’d like to make my own Applesauce with my special recipe! Thank you Doni O for lending me the Apple peeler, corer & Pioneer Woman for the recipe!

I rode my bike around the neighborhood for 8 solid minutes without stopping, without falling, without being winded and without ceasing to praise God for this miracle! I literally cried as I rode my bike and just said thank you, thank you, thank you, Lord! I prayed for all my friends and loved ones, I prayed for those who need healing, I prayed that everyone I know to experience this ecstasy of being known by our Creator so intimately and feel the love He has for each and every one of us! Sometimes I think I was kinda stale in my walk with Jesus, but I’m so very thankful that this cancer diagnosis woke me back up to the sweet sweet joy of walking closer to God than ever!

Then came the easy decision…it was time to shave my head. Six years ago when I did this it was a group effort with local friends. This time it was a sacred moment between my best friend and me. John did an amazing job using the clippers.  Then I showered and shaved it baby butt smooth. Like I’ve always said, dangly earrings and lipstick goes a long way in helping a lady feel more feminine when bald. Also a cute shirt with a pretty neckline is enhancing too, thanks to my daughter, Sarah, who gave me this bling-y sweatshirt! I really don’t mind being bald, in fact I’ll be surprised if I ever wear my wig! So I hope it doesn’t send shock waves to my readers, but just remember this when you see this bald woman…when I look at you, I don’t see me bald, I see you, I feel normal, I’m just regular ole me. So please don’t feel awkward around me. Ask to rub my head, talk to me about it if you want to, don’t pity me or feel sad for me!  You see, I know I’m ok and I’m just beyond blessed to be alive and have you in my life!

Father’s Day & Some Bodily Fluids Discussed Here.

Father’s Day and I started out talking to my Pops at 5:00 am! Here is a photo from 2016 when we looked like twins! Give me a couple more days and I’ll look just like that again!! Hair falling out in droves now!

I’m thoroughly loving waking up early and spending time reading in my Bible and talking to the Lord. However, as I noticed some physical changes happening in addition to hair loss, I am also realizing how my body is changing in many ways and how it negatively affects my day to day life. Chemo drugs can cause nausea, GI changes, and really any cells that tend to be more fast shedding and ‘sensitive’ or tender like oral tissues, nasal cavities, eyes, GI tracts, and those private areas. For the past couple weeks I’ve experienced this a little bit like watery eyes and drippy nose but a couple days ago I noticed my body getting more and more uncomfortable. As of today I have more severe stomach cramping and I’m taking Imodium very intensely to keep from dehydrating since I’ve visited the bathroom 8 times already today! It can be very dangerous if I don’t get it under control. Supposedly, my food needs to change for a while to what’s called a BRAT diet - bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. Considering I have chemo again this upcoming Tuesday, I’m hoping my body will calm down before then. Here is the verse the Lord gave me this morning:  

I did go to John’s shop and spent a little time there with him as he worked on our van, but quickly realized I needed to go home and rest. So for the rest of the evening I was writhing with cramps and visiting the bathroom. John stopped and bought me some essentials for the night like applesauce, super soft TP and…reality check…Depends! Some things on this journey are very humbling, some things are sad, some things are painful. Everything is something to process and I get to choose how I respond to it all. So I’ll wear these Depends with dignity since it truly is the least of my concerns and I’ll play my worship music, stretch out my arms and praise Him again and again singing Hallelujah as I go to bed tonight! I’m just happy to be alive and breathing! 

On my bike again!

Every day gets better and I declare it’s ALL God’s doing! 

Woke this morning reading with Lys and the Lord helped me through a little bump in the road using His Word and helping me “move a position”! Thanks to Jesus and Wayne!! 

Then after a very long shower and washing my hair 7 times because it wouldn’t stop falling out, I realized that it’s been about the 2 week mark since taking the 2nd round of chemo that causes hair loss and I now know that there’s only a few showers left before I’m patchy bald so this weekend I’ll probably really have to shave my head! Fist fulls is how I’d describe it!

But I also felt GREAT! Virtually no rib pain, no struggle to breathe getting out of bed, and my energy felt practically normal! So I informed John that today I WAS going to ride my mountain bike, even if only around the block! So I did! My new friend, Brenda, who is a mountain biking coach with “For The Love Of Bikes” will be over joyed!! It’s one step closer to my dream of riding with her one day!

Then on to brunch with my son and my friend, Sarah Marie! I’m so blessed to have adult kids that enjoy spending time with me! 

I’m determined to rebuild my endurance so I also went on a mile hike with Karen R and plan on doing this as much as possible! While the doctors may say that I have advanced breast cancer, and tell me I shouldn’t do this or that, I’m going to EMBRACE every day with a positive attitude and gratitude for all my million little miracles. 

Shout out to a long time friend of mine whose birthday it is today and instead of getting gifts, she planned and perfectly executed to send ME a gift on her birthday because that’s just how humble she is! Love this prayed-over soft and comfy wrap! Thank you, Tina, aka FP! 

Feeling so thankful today and looking forward to spending the day with my husband on Father’s Day and working on the WonderVan!