I tried going to sleep. Tossed and turned. Thought too many thoughts that my mind can't keep up. Racing thoughts driving me nuts. Can't rest my mind. Solution...journal.
Sarah, my daughter, loves photography. She asked if I would want to do a photo shoot before my hair falls out. Yes...and no. Now that I think about it, will it drive home the fact that my hair identifies me now and I want to capture that part of me before it changes? And how will I view myself as I go through the hair loss phase? Ugly, less beautiful, undignified? I don't know. Will I want a photo shoot and document the losing of my hair, because that is what I will look like for months? Yet, it's still me. Oh, the stigma of this disease is one that is making me think about my external identity and how I view myself and how I want to glorify God in this process.
Next is the thought of inviting a young videographer into the privacy of my world through creating a documentary of this process. I will ask my friend, Stephen Sargent from Drive Media House. He is the one who kindly produced my flossing video as a gift to me. Want to see me with long straight HAIR? Check out my website at www.flossthink.com. Or I thought I would ask Asbury University if they have a media student who wants to specialize in documentaries if they have a student that wants an opportunity to record the real deal of daily life of breast cancer treatment. I'll consider that too.
Next, I keep thinking about all the information I gathered just yesterday from both doctors and wondered how I will remember to implement it all. I need to get my blood work results back, figure out what supplements to take, and get on that right away because Dr. Aukerman claims that his cancer patients don't have as many side effects once they are on his protocol. Well, my treatment starts in a week, so I need to get right on it with starting my needed nutritional supplements. Then I am supposed to schedule for my port to be surgically placed THIS WEEK! And I need to think about meeting with a 'cranial prosthesis' person...aka wig maker, to have them see my hair style while it's on my head to they can create a wig similar to how I look now. That needs to be done in the next 2 weeks before I supposedly lose my hair.
Next, I need to figure out my work situation. Dr. Cody told me that he does not recommend I work as a hygienist while doing chemotherapy. I also won't be working with breast surgery or shoulder surgery. That could literally mean I won't be working as a hygienist for pretty much almost a YEAR! So what will Dr. Henize do to replace me? Will I lose my medical insurance? Can I work in some capacity at the dental office and still be a benefit to the office? My brain can't process all this! My kids have told me that they were thinking of starting a www.gofundme.com account. My first thought is that I don't need it. I have my emergency funds to help, then I have long term disability insurance that will kick in after 3 months of not working. I hope we will be okay financially. But I really don't know. I'm confused about what it will truly look like. Lord, guide me here too, please.
Mind racing still but I need sleep. I'll go try and lay back down and see what happens.
2 comments:
Your beauty is inside and outside. When you lose your hair it will grow back. Remember your short curly hair everyone loved. So cute so easy. Remember the very hairs on your head are numbered. Yahweh will not lose one of them. If he counts the hairs on your head he is so with and and in control and with you in every moment and in every way. Remember when you were in labor I coached you to ride a surfboard above the waves of pain. Yahweh is our surfboard we can remain above the trials and challenges by focusing on Him. If we focus on our trial we sink and feel like we are drowning. Get back up on the surfboard He is always there. Love you so very much my spiritual daughter.
Cut off hair and have wig person make a wig out of your hair, you have enough. Or donate for someone else.
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