Day 6 Aother Very Big Day

It's almost midnight and I'm exhausted but I wanted to journal now so that I can sleep at 3 a.m. and not feel like I need to document this big day.

Sarah Jean, what a sweet daughter, agreed to come with me to my doctor's appointment. John so badly wanted to but I felt like he needed to stay and work while Sarah came with me. It was good.

I was supposed to have only a quick needle aspiration but  this was a different radiologist, Dr. Phalen, and he felt like he could still be successful getting another biopsy. Ugh. He loaded me up with tons of lidocaine and attempted to punch biopsy 4 different lymph nodes. He was not positive he got all 4 and we are hopeful he got at least a couple. I will state that that hurt much more than the initial one. He went deeper and had to inject lots more to make me numb. Literally it felt like he was down my side, under my armpit and it zinged  a few times. Whew, that's kinda invasive and not so fun.  My guardian angel, Judy, the nurse was there again and very reassuring. But the 15 min aspiration became an over an hour multiple biopsy. I had Jordan Pieniasek's necklace in my pocket. It gave me strength.

Then on to my 2 hour meeting with Dr. Jacquelyn Palmer. My sister, Karen, was gracious enough to FaceTime in and listened and Sarah Jean was also in with me the whole time. I learned all about my 1 cm invasive ductile carcinoma and that we will do a partial biopsy aka...lumpectomy and have radiation afterward. Since the lymph biopsies still need to give information and we are still waiting on the HER2 results, we don't know if chemotherapy or anti-hormone pills will be needed. So now I wait until Monday or Tuesday when those results are in to find out more. I did schedule my surgery for June 1 but I will get a second opinion asap and that may change.

Then I did what I really did not want to do. I had to break this news to Liz Pieniasek, Brooklyn and Daniel Mesward, and Josh and Tiffany Lenon. These people are precious to me and broken, weary, and empty of tears already from the loss of Jordan. Of course, Liz, was my encouragement. She shared with me Hebrews 10:19-39. She said she wanted those words for both of us. I hated to have to even let the words, "I have breast cancer" come out of my lips and into their ears, but it had to be done.

Next, I called my mom and dad. Of course, they were troopers. They are how I can carry on with such strength. They are positive, supportive, and understanding. It was really weird though, telling my parents that I had cancer. They admitted that it was weird hearing it, but they do truly understand because they both have had cancer and fought it themselves, mom with skin cancer, dad with prostate.

As more and more of my friends find out, I realize how shocking this is, not only to me, but to everyone. It's pretty surreal and I don't believe it, except for the pain in my side right now as I need to heal from those biopsies, the binder on my kitchen counter titled "Breast Health Patient Guide", and the appointments that are filling up my calendar already for surgery, post op, second opinion, etc...

I'm sorry I have this cancer. I really am. I am sorry I can't be available for my sweet friend, Liz, at the time of her greatest loss. I am sorry I probably won't be able to go on my wilderness adventures that I look forward to all year with John. I'm sorry my kids have to deal with a mom with cancer and now have to check that box on their health history, I'm sorry my sweet man is worried he could lose his beloved. I'm sorry I will be totally inconveniencing Dr. Henize by not being able to work while I'm healing. I'm sorry my body will hurt. I'm sorry this will use up all our emergency funds and my kid's wedding fund money. I'm sorry people who want to help me will have to drive 45 min to visit me. I'm sorry to add grief to my family and friends. I'm sorry. I know it's not my fault, but I am sorry for how this will hurt so many.

Tomorrow I will have a 4 hour drive to Michigan and will have to tell my son, Jonathan. On the drive I will have to call many other friends and family members and tell them for the first time.

My prayer needs...that I won't need chemo. That my husband's health will not suffer with this stress. That my children will see God working in it all and seek Him and find Him.