A Heavy Heart

It’s currently 2:30 pm and I’m mentally, emotionally, and spiritually processing right now. 

While my day started with happy hugs with my sister as she left for home after a lovely weekend, my hubby and I had a relaxing start to our day, then I had a SWeet time continuing to read my book ‘By This Name’ and was reminded of God’s provision for me, and I finished reading Romans thinking of the Gratitude I have for the renewed love of reading Scripture since my re-diagnosis…there was one other thing I did today that has my brain spinning a bit. 

I noticed an email from my oncologist at The James with my test results from last week. Although I’m supposed to meet with her tomorrow to review them, and I also have an infusion scheduled, I couldn’t help but open the test results and read them myself. Granted, there is a lot of medical terminology that is tricky to decipher, but I certainly was able to get an overview of the test results. Until I speak with her tomorrow, I will hold off on sharing the details of them. Much of it looks promising, but several things I have questions about and will need no more clarification. This is what has me processing. 

Until then, I’m praying without ceasing. And despite walking in faith, maintaining a genuine attitude of positivity, holding tightly on to hope, and praying for that miracle of complete healing, I admit I cried out today to my Creator and asked for help remembering to trust His ways and to not fall into fear. Reality for me is that even though I am strong, it’s mostly because I have felt great. The thought of all the ‘what-if’s’ got me upset for a bit and my mind is desperately trying to hold on to the ‘what-is’. 

What is: 

1. I’m alive today

2. I have no pain today

3. I’m loved and supported by my husband and dozens of family and friends

4. I have an amazing doctor and insurance to help pay for it

5. I can breathe without a struggle now

6. I can hike and mountain bike, paddle and play physically the way I desire

7. I’m at peace with God and because of Jesus, my sins are atoned for and I believe God’s plan for my life is one of hope and eternity with Him…whenever that is

8. God knows exactly what I’m going through and won’t leave me or forsake me

9. I am grateful for today

10. I have a plan and purpose for my life and it’s centered around sharing the good news of God’s love for us through what Jesus did with anyone who is open to listen. Life is so short and eternity is really long so nothing else really matters to me but to get this part of life’s mystery solved. 

11. I have healthy food in my refrigerator, the supplements I want are provided for, and I have an amazing future to look forward to with my beloved husband!

12. I’m loved

These are all things that fall into the ‘what is’ category of my life that I choose to focus on right now.

Currently 5:13 pm and I just went for an hour bike ride to clear my mind and listen to my favorite Gratitude song by Brandon Lake. It definitely put my mind at ease to go to a place of worship and focus on the words of that song! And then my faithful friend Aimee who sends me scripture every day sent this to me this evening. God’s timing is always perfect for me. 

        Do not fret... Psalm 37:1

Then to encourage me even more today I read this even though it’s the wrong date!

Tonight John and I had an unexpected errand to run that took 5 hours! We sold a part from the new Mercedes’ Sprinter and agreed to meet the buyer 2.5 hours away! What should have been a quick pick up at the shop turned into a 5 hour round trip drive for us. However, it did allow John time to get some paperwork done. On the drive home, I read to John those CT & MRI reports. The more I read it, the more concerned I get. We shall see what the oncologist says tomorrow but I’m weary from thinking about it! I’m going to close my eyes and sleep now.